Inevitably, you are going to run into a person in the world of Social Media who just drives you nuts. Everything that they say seems, for lack of a better word, really dumb to you. With every tweet, they dig deeper under your skin. But you know that lashing out at someone is probably inappropriate. Still, you find yourself drawn to their blog posts to see what they are saying. You are part of the silent masses.
Then, one day, it all comes to a head. Your coffee was gross AND spilled all over your car. Your sweet and sour chicken came without the sweet and sour sauce at lunch (this really happened to me once). And then, to top it all off, your favorite person wrote a post that goes against everything you believe. It’s all just too much. You decide to leave a comment on this once, and all of a sudden, you become the comment equivalent of a screaming banshee. Upon later reflection, you might even wonder who that person is. Damage done though. You just went from silent to troll.
It’s actually okay to disagree with someone
How can you avoid this problem? I always reflect on the story of the Emperor with No Clothes. In this case, the “emperor” is the person who drives you nuts. Sometimes you even see this person get tons of credit and applause, which can really make you want to blow a gasket (or fry your friddle, as Suzanne likes to hear me say). Well, you don’t have to sit there silently, but you can also vent off a bit of steam by…ready…disagreeing with civility.
I know, I know. This is going to take a moment to absorb. You might need to read this post a few times for this concept to sink in. In the online world, you can disagree with someone, debate, converse, etc., and yet not be cruel, demeaning, patronizing, or otherwise crude. You can be like the child in the story of our emperor friend, who simply states, “Dude…you’re like, totally naked.”
If you debate someone, state your point with respect, and then move on, you will not have that red hot magma of anger building in the pit of your stomach. You will not feel like everything this person does is an affront to all you believe is right and pure with the world. And perhaps most importantly, you won’t suddenly blow up and confuse the heck out of people with your random troll-like behavior. Because after all, nobody will know that you have actually been controlling yourself for months. They’ll just see the stream of molten lava spewing from your smiling avatar.
And that’s just not good for anyone, right? Least of all, you.
Whadya think?
This is post #25 in The Engagement Series. 25? Really? Hey, we’re a quarter of the way there! 🙂 Let me know if this is helping you and what I can do to help you more!
Image by Crow Girl. http://www.sxc.hu/profile/kfawcett
Hey Margie,
This is a cliff hanger! I thought you were going to tell who what why where when you actually told some one what you thought and why you were mad! Hope it wasn’t me. 😉
Gaga
Silly Gaga.
I never get that way about anybody! 🙂
Most of the time this works, but when that person responds to a civil disagreement with lava, well… that’s when I force myself to stay away from that person entirely (virtually speaking).
Very true. You can’t win ’em all. Well said 🙂
Oh, my dear Margie! So wonderful to know that I’m not the only one who sits in front of her iPhone sometimes absolutely fuming on a subject, tweet, or blog post.
My personal technique in life and on-line, “step away from the tweet, blog post, article, etc.”!
I’m not a reactionary person by nature and sometimes just walking away (although still thinking about it, composing a fabulous retort in my head, verbalizing under my breath) dissipates whatever the issue. I have found, however, the very few times that I’ve gone against my better judgement my…er…’passion’ on the subject at hand comes through quite clearly, usually leaving the other person speechless. (They tend to be more shocked by the fact that I ranted than by my actual comments.)
So, if it means that much to one…send the item in question to yourself via e-mail. Open it at the end of the day. If it still reads, smells, feels the same way it did initially, well then, responding may be cathartic…unleash the lava, in the nicest way possible.
If you don’t comment for real, just remember – you sure told them (in your head or under your breath)! 🙂
Excellent advice, and so true. It is a luxury with online engagement that we can walk away, and that person, or that whole situation, magically disappears. I mean, seriously, what could possibly be better? 🙂
Tuesday: 04/05/2011
Folks! One of the Foundation principles of the USA = “Agreeing to Disagree”!! It’s OK to disagree as long as you keep on talking and discussing.
Cordially
Mike
Well said, Mike. Good to see you! 🙂
You certainly called this one correct, Marjorie. I tend to be one of those people who doesn’t just agree because, well, I want to be seen as agreeable. I’m thinking I’ve left my mark on giving an honest opinion, whether I agree or not, and always trying to couch it in a way where it doesn’t sound like I’m attacking the author personally. Often I can find at least something I agree with while I disagree with something else; that works the best.
If I totally agreed with something I’d probably just leave and never come back; I don’t tend to stick around in places that make me uncomfortable.
I hear ya. If you are constantly clenching your teeth when you go to a blog, you’ll probably be inclined to stop going. Well, unless you’re a glutton for punishment. Then you might increase your visits 🙂
That’s part of the problem with social media, everyone’s far too busy pretending to be nice to each other that it’s very rare and usually very ugly when someone does get called out.
There are a number of hypocritical, ignorant and plain dumb people making money from social media. Sometimes people do snap and say something they will regret. However, we also live in a time where despite having the opportunity to communicate worldwide, we are socialising in ever decreasing circles of people with similar interests or outlooks on life. In short it is rare the person that challenges them self, never mind anyone else.
So if you are surrounded by people who agree with you, add in the ability to block those that do not and you have the perfect mix for the lack of ability to argue coherently or even discuss politely.
With the ability to block, it ends up as an arms race to see who can get the most wounding comment in before the block is unleashed. Essentially we have split discussion on line to polemic outcomes, either total agreement or total disagreement.
I have been the recipient of a Margie “Are you really sure you want to continue with this?” DM. It was thoroughly warranted at the time, although sadly what the third party was complaining about happened to them anyway, just by someone who appeared slightly more tactful than I.
haha, oops 🙂
I think sometimes it’s hard to remember that our tweets are seen by everyone. I think I knew what you were trying to get at, but if people weren’t seeing what you were responding to, it would have just made you look bad. And so it goes with everyone.
I think at a certain point too, you learn that some people like to argue just to TRY to get that rise out of you. You have to beware of those people because you can end up arguing till your head explodes and it won’t make a darned bit of difference.
Thanks for your comment, Nic! 🙂
Wonderful post and one I will be sharing with so many I wish I would have had the link for last nights #agchat it is always best to agree to disagree…Your the best Gaga Hugs, Annie
Thanks so much, Annie. Glad you liked it 🙂
Margie,
There is so much beauty in this post and I hope your readers appreciate what you seem to be suggesting. So many bloggers take the opposite approach to the one you are advocating for. It can be down right brutal out there at times. Do we need to argue and dig deeply into one another’s content? You bet! But it really comes down to tone and using the right approach.
I cannot tell you how often I have seen bloggers out right slam one another or attack their readers. These types of posts are often incredibly abrupt and use an in-your-face approach. I follow at least two popular bloggers that use this approach in just about every one of their posts. The funny thin is that no matter how dumb of fat they make you fell, you just keep coming back.
I get this approach. Let’s be honest – it works. But I think there is a better way, one that is far more constructive. Strangely, this other way tends to show up on blogs that are being written by brilliant women such as yourself and Suzanne Vara’s. Both of you talk, share ideas and encourage others to share ideas. Instead of being combative, you collaborate. You use a rather interesting Platonic approach to discourse that allows you and your commenters to move in a positive direction. Bad ideas fall away as amazing ideas float to the top.
Dare I say that the better approach to online discourse might have its roots in feminist discourse?
Just a thought,
@jwsokol
It does work, which is interesting. Do we like getting beaten up by what we read? Maybe it makes us feel like we are more involved in the conversation somehow? I don’t know.
As for the gender thing, I know plenty of women who kick the crap out of their readers. I think folks like Suzanne and me like to blog the way we tweet, and we like to tweet the way we talk. It’s just communicating the way we always do except we’re typing instead of using our mouths. Although that’s just my perspective – I reckon Suzanne should probably be allowed to speak for herself 🙂
Thanks for a great comment, as always!