Marjorie Clayman’s Writing Portfolio

Professional writing profile of Marjorie Clayman

Archives for December 2011

Dear Trey and Bruce

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This is probably my last post before I start family festivities for Christmas. It’s probably one of my last posts of 2011, in fact. I have been thinking about how I would use this occasion. Many people are using this week to reflect on 2011 and thank people who have been meaningful to them.

I was skimming my shiny new Facebook timeline last night and noticed that I had become Facebook friends with a lot of people just a year ago. Some people I now consider better than sliced bread I have only known for five months, really. It seems impossible that I have know so many wonderful people for so short a time. How could I possibly include everyone and not leave out anyone important? Too many people have shown me endless and overpowering support. Too many people have made me smile when I was frowny. Too many people have made me look at life and other things in new ways. I can’t possibly grasp them all in one post.

All of that being said, there are two people I want to thank who changed my life in very big, very different ways in 2011, especially as it pertains to this online portion of my life. Unfortunately, neither of them are still here with us, but if they are floating around in the ether, I hope they get wind of this message. More importantly, I hope that the lessons these two men taught me can be filtered through me and end up helping you.

Trey Pennington

The lesson Trey taught me, or reminded me of, is very simply stated. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. From the very early times of my online life, I heard great things about Trey. I heard tales of his amazing ability to tell stories. I heard what a warm and genuine guy he was. In fact, I don’t recall anyone ever saying anything mean to him. For all of that, I never quite got to the point of interacting with him but for one time. I had written some post – I have no idea what, and whether Trey tweeted it or not, I got a direct message from him shortly thereafter asking me to read a post of his. This one, about Toy Story. I thought, “Man, that’s crazy. This guy that everyone admires wants MY opinion about HIS post?”

On a regular basis I would say to myself, “I really need to start talking to this guy. I really need to make a point of reading his posts.” But you know how life is. You put a million things on your “Must do” list and every day the list gets longer, not shorter. In early September, I found out that Trey had taken his own life. All of my “I need to do that” reminders hadn’t done me a bit of good. My best of intentions had not translated into any kind of action. It’s not a woe is me tale, certainly. I feel for the people who knew and loved the man, especially at this time of year. But for me, it was a reminder that even though we see people every day in the online world, even though it seems like they are just the same every day because of their unflinching avatars and gravatars and profile pictures, we are never guaranteed tomorrow.

Since then, I have done my best to reach out immediately to people I want to get to know better. If things don’t work out and they end up being poopy (my favorite word) then that’s okay. At least I tried to get to know them. At least I pounced on the opportunity. Trey Pennington, through all the tragedy of his death and his last few weeks of life, still managed to teach one more profound lesson.

Bruce Serven

Bruce taught me a very different lesson. Bruce taught me that just because you DO talk to someone online every day does not mean you know the whole story. I saw Bruce’s avatar every time I posted a blog post. He chatted with me often. Always kind, always nice. But I had no idea he was unemployed. I had no idea he was having so many problems. I certainly had no idea he had abandoned all hope and had broken as a person.

Bruce has taught me that one must not take online friendships for granted. Talking to someone in a two-dimensional screened-in environment does not reveal a person’s soul to you, most of the time. You need to dig. You need to be willing to explore a little. You need to be willing to try to nudge a few doors open and see if they stay open or slam close. I wish I had known that. I wish I had noticed that Bruce had gone a month without posting to his site. I wish I had noticed that the last blog post he wrote was pretty angry and cynical. I would have asked him what was up, perhaps. But for all of that talking, I didn’t know him enough to know that he was in trouble.

I have learned that lesson in a way I’d have preferred never to have learned it. But it is one I will not forget. So thank you Bruce, for reminding me that truly getting to know people is a perpetual act of care and work. It is not for the lazy and there are no shortcuts.

And you

All that I have learned from these two men I hope to use as I nurture our relationships, whatever those may be. So as we head into the holiday season and the new year, I want you to know that if I say I care, or respect you, or admire you, I really do. And if I say I’m worried about you, it’s because I want you to know that I don’t want you to slip away.  And if I say hi, it’s because I really want to get to know you.

And with that, I wish you a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukah, a Joyous Kwanzaa, and if I don’t see you till next year…a Happy and prosperous 2012.

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/49889874@N05/6042029343/ via Creative Commons

#WomenWednesday But You’ve Come So Far

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I know what some of you may be thinking (how’s that for a definitive statement?). You’re thinking, “Man, a whole series, 52 posts, just about gender equality and stuff like that? This is such a non-issue. This is just a hornet’s nest that doesn’t need to be kicked anymore.”

I think a lot of that reaction comes from the fact that often we get on the defensive (or the offensive) when we talk about gender. We have our guards up. Men feel like they are perpetually attacked. Women feel like they are perpetually disrespected. We go into these conversations with those gut reactions already set, and as soon as someone says something, anything, we are ready to throw up our arms and start to block and punch.

I don’t want this series of conversations to go like that, but I do feel it’s important to have these conversations. I did some research over the last few days on what the totally objective, no way you can argue with ’em stats are about women and men in the US (note, just US). Here are some things I thought were interesting.

According to census information from 2009:

• Women who worked full-time all year earned 78.2¢ compared to a man’s dollar

• 29.9 million women 25 years or older have a Bachelor’s Degree. That’s versus 28.7 million men in the same scenario.

According to the National Committee on Pay Equity, which released a report on September 13, 2011:

In 2010, African American women were at 67.7¢ compared to a man’s dollar

According to the White House “Women in America” report released in March of 2011:

• In 2007 24% of women had their first child at age 30 or older. In 2008, 18% of women ages 40-44 had no children at all. These were huge contrasts to similar numbers in the 1970s and 80s.

• In 2009, 28% of working single mothers lived below the poverty level. That’s 8% of all working women and just 6% of all working men.

• 11% of women 25-34 have had at least 2 years of graduate study compared to 8% of men

• In 2009, working women spent 7 hours and 40 minutes on work each day compared to the male average of 8 hours and 50 minutes a day. However, the report notes that these same women did more housework than their male counterparts.

• In 2009, only 7% of women were involved in the computer industry or in engineering. Just 14% were involved in management, business, or finance positions.

• One fifth of all working women were still working in what are considered traditionally female-dominated occupations like teaching and nursing.

What do these statistics mean to us? What story do they tell? To me, it’s a story of progress, certainly, in may areas. Women used to not be allowed to go to college. Now they are graduating in greater numbers than men. Women are waiting longer to have their first child. A lot of women are choosing not to have any children.

But what does that REALLY mean? It begs some questions, doesn’t it? For example:

If women are excelling in school, why is there still a pay gap across all levels of occupation?

If women are waiting to get married and have children, why are we still saying that women don’t want to be in management positions because they care more about having kids? Sure, some women may feel that way, but the statistics are showing that this sentiment is changing.

Why are the women who need support most – single moms – most often living below poverty level?

Why are African American women running some 11¢ behind white women in wages?

And that’s just the US. According to the UNHCR, 49% of refugees are girls. We all have seen the struggles that women have faced around the world in countries where women are most certainly second class citizens.

We need to talk about this stuff and figure it out.

But you’ve come so far

Yeah, women have made a lot of progress. We can vote now. We can own land. We can start companies. We can run for political office. But it’s not the same as it is for men, is it? Is that a bad thing? Is that a good thing? Is equality possible?

That’s what we’ll be talking about every Wednesday for the next year. Those issues. Those topics. Because they have been swept under the rug for far, far too long. The era of patting ourselves on the back is over. It’s time to get back to work.

Don’t you think?

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mckaysavage/3892677218 via Creative Commons

 

Social Media, Humble Pie, And Daring Not To Win

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When I first joined the online world, I noticed a few things right away. I noticed that a lot of people used Twitter handles that were their actual names – this was pretty different from the way people had acted on sites like MySpace and Livejournal, where names were more along the lines of “CuddlyPuppy207.” I noticed that a lot of people had their blog sites at URLs that were “their name.com.” When I first started blogging, my site was at ladybugnotes.blogspot.com. It was a bit of a sore thumb.

People started telling me that I should use my real name on Twitter. People said I would really benefit from having a MargieClayman.com site. It took me a long, long time to decide to move ahead with both of those decisions because, in the end, I am the head chef at Humble Pie Restaurants.

Humility and Social Media -> Oil and Water

Changing my Twitter handle and my blog URL was just the beginning of the challenges I would face in the online world, and these are challenges I still struggle with. I feel yucky every time I tweet out a blog post of mine. I used to just tweet my own posts out once, in fact, and that was all. I don’t like making asks. I don’t like making a big deal out of things I do.

It’s not a matter of confidence. I’m usually very proud of what I’m doing. I just figure if people want to see what I’m up to, they can look. I’d rather shine the light on other people and rejoice in their successes. To me, that’s the power of what social media can do for people, and it’s what I enjoy most.

The problem, of course, is that all of this means that I grow at a tortoise pace, not a hare. People perpetually pass me on statistics we keep track of. My PeerIndex is at a molecular level 11. I just reached 5,000 Twitter followers. I have a little over 150 Blog subscribers. These are numbers I’m perfectly content with, but I’ll be 100% honest – there are people whose numbers are a lot bigger. They get a lot more recognition. And it’s because their priority is on winning the game.

I don’t need to win

One of the interesting things about social media is that we can promote whatever image of ourselves that we want. We can even use pictures of other people for our Twitter avatars and Facebook profile pictures. Who would know? I’ve seen people promote themselves as do-gooders when really they’re just taking advantage of an opportunity. I’ve seen people present themselves as super tough when in fact they are soft-spoken, even shy, offline.

I’ve always felt that it was most important for me to present myself here pretty much as I am. It’s too easy to get bogged down in what you’re trying to present if you’re not being true to yourself. Part of being me is my humility. I could easily sell my soul and promote the heck out of myself. I could probably play the game and play it well.

But that wouldn’t really be winning based on how I define a win. I might win more followers and more subscribers, but I’d lose myself. That’s a pretty high price to pay.

Not a sob story

Of course, this is not to say “Woe is me.” It’s shocking to me that my reception in the online world, for all of this complexity, has been what it has been. That many people want to see what I’m saying? Are you kidding? For me, I’ve already won.

But I’m only human. It stinks when people who don’t write well get more acclaim just because they concentrate on themselves more. It stinks when someone gets lauded for something they are only pretending to do. Even so, I am happy with where I am. I am proud of where I am. Who wouldn’t be proud of the community I’ve gathered in such a short time?

So I will not try to win the social media game. Instead, I will strive to continue to win your support and friendship, and most importantly, I will win the Margie game. I’ll remain true to myself.

What more could a person really want, anyway?

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/edsel_/4893846987 via Creative Commons

Margie Clayman’s 100 Favorite Blog Posts of 2011

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I can’t really say that doing something one year is the stuff traditions are made of, but once you do something for two years, well, there’s a chance it might catch on.

With that in mind, I present you, for the second year in a row, with my favorite blog posts of the year. This year, presented in no particular order or categorization (uncharacteristically for me!). Enjoy, and Happy Holidays!


 

I hope you enjoy this list. I know I didn’t include every post that touched me this year. But these are a good solid handful.

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/funadium/553343932/ via Creative Commons

Why I Remain Unaffiliated

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Pretty early on in my online career, like, a year ago, I was fortunate to meet a lot of great people, mostly because of all of the chats I participated in. I found a way to tie these people together on a daily basis so that they evolved into my online community, and a great community it was! And is, I should note. However, something interesting happened with this particular group of people. They started sort of clotting together into different groups. In the online world we call them tribes a lot of times. In the world of Twitter they’re grouped together under the same hashtag.

As these individual groups started growing, I noticed that people who used those hashtags all of the time stopped talking to me as regularly as they once had. I noticed that I seldom saw them tweet anything without that hashtag after it. For awhile, I played along, but then I realized that once you start participating in a tightly knit group like that, you stop looking at your home feed. Your primary focus is just on that hashtag. Who is entering it, who is contributing to it – these things become your primary focus. If people don’t use that hashtag, you simply don’t see them anymore.

I didn’t like that idea.

For a little while after I made that realization I would occasionally pop in and use the hashtag to converse with people. But then something even more interesting happened. The community that had been building so closely under that hashtag started to become really overpowered with drama, direct messages, rumor mills, and general unpleasantness. I found myself not wanting to be affiliated with the hashtag because it was starting to feel like a symbol of general chaos and ickiness, as sad as that was. So, I basically stopped using the hashtag altogether and worked to maintain my individual friendships with the people that had gotten involved with the group.

In a different dimension

A year later, I have absolutely no regrets. This is not to say that these online tribes are bad. In fact, a lot of these communities build around really great ideas and really great messages. But here’s what I want you to consider.

In a different dimension, if I had started using just that hashtag at the exclusion of most other things and then gotten disenchanted with that hashtag, as I likely still would have, what would I have done? It’s the old case of putting all of your eggs into one basket. Yes, when you are in a tightly-knit community there are tons of advantages. Your posts may get shared more often. You can band around people who are having a hard time. You know there is a force out there supporting you. But if you put everything you have into just that community and that community later falls apart, what do you have left?

People in the online world do not stick around waiting for you to come back and say, “Hey, let’s be best pals.” A day is practically an eternity in a lot of ways. Abandoning the world at large in favor of a single group is painting yourself into a corner.

Hidden Agendas

There is another caution I’d throw out there when it comes to online groups or “tribes,” especially as they exist on Twitter. I’ve seen it happen a lot. As a group starts to get big and get noticed, suddenly it’s not just a group of friends. Suddenly there is a sense that maybe this is something that could give people fame and notoriety. Maybe this is something that could get you on a social media panel at a big show. Maybe this is something that could help your brand and/or your business. When these thoughts start going through peoples’ heads, the idea of community moves on back to the rear of the vehicle. A power struggle ensues and the community gets confused about what is going on. What is this power grab all about? A lot of people can get hurt, and again, if the community is all you banked on, you can end up out in the Twittery cold.

Sometimes too, a person will be promoted within the group or excluded from the group because of one person’s feelings. Is that what adults who are professionals in the great big world need to be worrying about? To me, participating in these close-knit groups is an invitation for trouble just because of the way people are and the way people work within the online world.

Just like high school

I know that some people will take issue with this, but to me, the concept of “tribe” in the online world is really quite similar to the high school clique. Each community or tribe gets its ringleaders, its traditions, its little idiosyncrasies that make it different. If you don’t want to go along with the dance, you will be subtly blocked out. If you opt not to participate in these groups, you will not get the same kind of support that people in those groups get. Like everything in life, it’s a question of what you want to have and what you’re willing to trade.

I have always been happy as the floating friend. I can jump into and out of a lot of groups and yet not remain tied to them. I can offer exchanges with all sorts of people because I keep my view of the online world big and unlimited. Is it the right way to go? No, I can’t say that. Is it the better way to go? Can’t really say that either. Would I advise you to take this road?

Yes, I would.

What do you think?

Image credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/aigle_dore/4044211790 via Creative Commons

Welcome To #WomenWednesday

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Hi there, everyone!

I am very excited to announce that every Wednesday for the next year, I’m going to be writing a post here on ye Olde Blog as part of a series I am calling Women Wednesday (or #womenwednesday for you G+ and Twitter fans).

This series stems from too many posts I’m reading that make me want to tear my hair out. Whether it’s, “all women are like this” or “all women should do this,” these posts continually insist on painting all women (and all men) as exactly the same. I guess if I had to write a tagline for this new series, it would be something like,

“Our alikeness ends at the womb.”

I am hoping for a lot of lively conversation. I am also hoping that men weigh in freely on these posts. The purpose is to start a dialogue that we really need to have.

What will be talking about on Wednesdays for the next year? Here is the list!

1. Today we start!

2. But you’ve gained so much ground!

3. Who loves kids more than women?

4. Don’t tell women what to do cuz they’re listening to me.

5. Women aren’t mean enough to win

6.  The cussing game

7. Incoming! The Direct Message

8. It’s so cute when she talks smart

9. Sexism hurts dads, too

10. Shoot. Where’d my husband go?

11. Cuz women like to talk and shop

12. Maybe I’ll just go naked…

13. You’re just a Feminazi

14. Women will never be satisfied

15. The Mommy-Blogger phenomenon

16. All women are the same

17. All men are the same

18. Women aren’t competitive

19. If you like pink you’re dumb

20. Full time moms don’t deserve abuse

21. The super-mom myth

22. The non-entity dad myth

23. The online grapevine

24. I like you cuz you’re hot

25. Women hate technology

26. I need a man to help me out

27. If you’re not a wife or a mom you’re not busy

28. What is brave?

29. Is the glass ceiling really broken?

30. Is it easier to abuse women online?

31. Online resources to help women

32. The pressure to be the star

33. “Best of the women” lists

34. Where are the non-white women?

35. Anger equals witch with a B

36. Women lead differently. Right?

37. Career women are probably cold and unfeeling.

38. Why women do start-ups

39. The lies women tell

40. Women are conniving. Men are clever.

41. What is taboo for the online woman?

42. Hear women. And listen.

43. Girl on girl bullying – it starts young

44. Strength in numbers…or Heathers?

45. Women as bosses

46. The strengths women exhibit online

47. Fighting for women doesn’t mean disliking men

48. Ten great resources about online women

49. Ten great businesswomen online

50. Ten great women who spread social good online

51. Ten great women you may not know (but should)

52. Concluding Thoughts

I am really excited about discussing these topics with you throughout 2012. I hope you’re excited, too!

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kheelcenter/5279671012/ via Creative Commons