Archives for June 2012

Awhile back, I mentioned on Facebook that I was getting ready to eat some Neapolitan ice cream. Somebody said, “What adult chooses that flavor of ice cream? Isn’t that a kid flavor?” Factually, there is one single reason why I am particularly fond of Neapolitan ice cream and mint chocolate chip ice cream. They both remind me of my grandma.

When I was little, I would spend a LOT of weekends with my grandma. We were simpatico, my grandma and me. Maybe because we both had the same first name. Unfortunately, my grandma died when I was just 7 years old, so I never really got to know her as I wish I could remember her now. We never had particularly deep conversations of course. What I am left with are memories of foods that we shared together. Ramen (called Oodles of Noodles at the time) is one of my big comfort foods because my grandma used to serve me a heaping bowl of the stuff for lunch. I’d sit on her couch, TV tray over my lap, and I’d slurp that stuff up. I remember this distinctly. We’d drink iced tea together, the special family recipe, while we played board games. My grandma would make sausage gravy and biscuits for breakfast and she’d make Texas Sheet Cake for dessert.

I still remember how all of these foods smelled and tasted. When I taste those foods or think about those smells, I am instantly transported back to my very young childhood days.

This is not just the case with my grandma. When I am not feeling well I always remember the poached egg on toast my mom used to make for me (she’d also cut up the toast into remarkably even, perfectly shaped squares that were somehow just the right size for my mouth). When I get home from work after a really long day in the middle of winter, I remember sitting down to my mom’s special chili or my dad’s spaghetti.

All of these foods are reminders of love. People who loved me who are no longer here. People who have loved me who are with me still. When I think of these foods, when I smell them or eat them, I am taken back to all of  the special memories that occurred when that particular food was around. Mint chocolate chip ice cream is a trip to the mall with my grandma. Beef barley vegetable soup is a Saturday night when I was a kid, my mom, brother and me huddled in front of Jean-Luc Picard while my dad, the Star Trek outcast, ate elsewhere (but we still told him how delicious his soup was). Creamed Herring is  brunch at my dad’s parents’ house on a Sunday morning.

These associations will I think always exist for me. The things you taste and smell seem so real, it seems hard to believe that the people you associate with those sensations won’t just pop through the door. It seems like the realness of the food should be able to eradicate any distance problems we might be experiencing. Just sit down and enjoy this favorite meal with me. Just one more time.

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/chriss/5547011621/ via Creative Commons

A lot of times bloggers focus on how to help other people. We offer advice, admonitions, paths and channels and organizations and all sorts of other helpful information. But there is something that I don’t see a lot of information about, and that is how to accept kindness or help. You wouldn’t think this is something that people would need help with, but my experience, both in my own life and in watching others, has demonstrated that there are a few ways people can react upon receiving a kindness that can actually leave a bad taste in the giver’s mouth. These include:

• Not being appreciative because you were hoping that the help or kind word would come from someone else

• Not being able to acknowledge the kindness because your outlook on life is too dark

• Lamenting a lack of help or kindness even after receiving same (this can relate to the above, too)

• Getting angry when someone offers help (this can be a pride thing or perhaps a feeling that your privacy was intruded upon)

There are two reasons why learning to accept help or kindness with grace is extremely important. One reason has to do with others and one reason has to do with your own self.

Have you ever reached out to help someone going through a hard time only to see them lament that “no one cares” or “no one has reached out to help me in my time of need”? It kind of bums you out, right? You took time out of your day/week/month, you told the person or showed the person you cared, but clearly your actions or words did not leave a big enough impression. Now, that’s not a great feeling to have, and even more to the point, you might not feel like helping that person the next time around. “They’re intent on being miserable,” you might think to yourself.

This is how people can feel about YOU if you do not accept kindness with grace. They can feel like being nice to you is a waste of time because you do not appreciate it. Now, this does not mean that you have to fall on your knees and kiss the ground a kind person walks on. However, showing gratitude, even more than expressing gratitude, is important for those who reach out to you. It makes them feel like you see that there are people pulling for you. It makes them want to do more, in fact, because people who care about you want to see you happy.

Even more important than that, however, is that accepting kindness with grace forces you to allow beauty and goodness into your heart, especially during a time that may be hard for you. Acknowledging a kindness increases the chances that you will really understand what it is you have received. Understanding that can help you grasp how much people care about you. And understanding that – well, it can make a big difference for you. If people you care about are pulling for you, you must have some good traits. You must have made a good impression on those folks. You must be valued and valuable. At no other time is it more important to embrace these truths than when they seem hardest for you to believe.

Allow people to be good to you. Allow people to help you. They are not doing it because they think you “need” it or because they think you’re a loser. They’re doing it because they care.

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When I was in maybe sixth grade or so, I would always take the bus over to my mom & dad’s office (little did I know I’d be working there some 20 years down the road, but that’s a different story). One day, we had a substitute bus driver. For whatever reason, this bus driver was just the butt of all jokes for my whole ride on the bus. I have no memory if it was a man or a woman, I have no recollection of what they looked like. What I do remember is that when I got off the bus that day, I turned around and raised my middle finger at the bus driver. Who knows what I was thinking would happen as a result, but most probably I saw an opportunity to try to gain acceptance among my peers. Flicking off an adult was certainly not like me (hence, in my head, cool). It was edgy, it was mean, and it was in line with how everyone else was feeling and acting at the time.

My walk from where I was dropped off to the actual office was probably about 100 feet. By the time I actually stepped inside my mom’s office I was in tears. I felt wretched, and in fact, as you can tell (since this was now a LONG time ago), the memory has not dimmed all that much. I am still ashamed of it. Also, not shockingly, I did not become homecoming queen in the aftermath of this action. Nobody came up to me the next day and said, “Wow, you’re cooler than I thought. Let’s be friends.” It was a cruel and wasted effort that was empty of meaning. I am sure the bus driver thought of me as another ungrateful, snotty kid.

This event came to mind in the wake of the story about bus monitor Karen Klein. Karen, like the bus driver I flicked off, was just trying to do her job, but she was met with hatred and abuse from a bunch of kids she was trying to look out for. Those kids probably also were participating so that they could gain acceptance. One day, they may deeply regret their actions, and they will even have video footage of that black mark on their personalities. Thank goodness YouTube wasn’t born yet when I was a kid.

Online and offline, we are often presented with an opportunity to tear someone else down as a way of (seeming) to tie ourselves closer to someone else. If there is a group that often picks at a person, our brains tell us that also picking on that person will make us a part of that group. There are three things you need to ask yourself when these situations arise.

1. Is the acceptance of these people worth abusing someone else for?

2. Will you be accepted by these people if you pick on that person?

3. If you are accepted to some extent, will you be happy?

My gamble as a kid clearly did not pay off. In the online world, it’s even easier to do the equivalent of flipping the bird. You can ridicule people, lambaste people, gossip, or even lie about others in order to try to make headway with others. Ask yourself those three questions. If you end up regretting your action, it will be a regret that will stay with you for a LONG time. You can take my word for it.

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When Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd were in the early days of their courtship, they were part of a group in Springfield that was known as the Coterie. Apparently one of the members of this group was a guy who was a real character, so much so that Mary wrote up a funny rhyme and submitted it to a newspaper. Much to her surprise, as well as Lincoln’s, the poem got published. Even more surprising, the man the poem was about contacted the newspaper publisher demanding to know who had written this insulting piece. Lincoln took the blame and was promptly challenged to a sword duel, if you can believe that. Luckily a friend intervened and nobody was hurt. Abe and Mary decided the whole thing was so embarrassing they’d never talk about it again.

In the online world, it’s really easy to say something preachy or something funny at another person’s expense. We get a big reaction when we’re funny. We spark good conversations when we use a specific example to prove our points. Sometimes that specific example is something another person has done, wrong or right. When we are using another person to show how NOT to do something, we approach it like the Lincolns. We don’t exactly say who we’re talking about, right? We insinuate things. We leave little clues. But most of the time, no names are given. We stir up a mess of wasps and because we didn’t mention a name, we feel like we kept the person relatively anonymous.

I know this because I have done this myself. I have written posts or tweets or Facebook updates about something someone did or about something someone did NOT do, but I didn’t use their names or links to their websites or anything like that. I figured I could vent or make a point and because I wasn’t using a name, there was no harm. However, I think I have been lucky. It would be easy for someone like that friend of the Lincolns to suddenly challenge me and ask why I was bad-mouthing them. And it could happen to you, too.

In life, whether online or offline, I think we need to take more care in saying only what we can say with great conviction. If you TRULY believe that someone’s website is crap and you want to use them as an example of what not to do, don’t just quote some of the parts that you think are horrendous. Name them. First of all, it’s easy enough for people to search for the quotes you copied and figure it out anyway, but also, if you are so certain what they are doing is wrong, you should not be afraid to name them. If you don’t feel strongly enough about it to be bold, then perhaps you are feeling a sting of conscience. Obliquely referencing a person or a company is the online version of talking behind someone’s back. If you can’t say it directly to them, perhaps the best move is to refrain.

I am not saying that people should do more call-outs or that people should be MORE mean. But I guess I would say that in this era of Google and Twitter search and Facebook search, you never really can hide the identity of someone you’re raking over the coals, right? People can figure it out. People can alert them. If that makes your palms sweaty, perhaps you should refrain. Perhaps you do not really believe strongly what it is you were going to say. Perhaps you were just looking for a reaction. There are better ways to get one.

Don’t you think?

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I was contacted today by Rasa Dawson, Senior Organizer for Community Engagement at OxFam America. Rasa told me a very interesting story. Like many good stories, it involves a conflict with something evil (in this case starvation), some heroes (you could be filed here), and the ending…well, we have yet to see if this story will have a happy ending.

What we’re fighting

The battle in this story is against starvation in the Sahel region of Africa. You can read all about the problems plaguing this region here at the Oxfam page. The bottom line is that if action is not taken soon, up to 18 million people will be facing the painful pangs of starvation.

The heroes

Unfortunately, this growing tragedy is not getting much media attention, so OxFam has tried to do outreach via celebrity contacts and social media. So far, Kristin Davis, one of the stars of Sex in the City, and Djimon Hounsou (perhaps best known for his work in Amistad) have succeeded in raising an amazing $12,000 for the Sahel region. Rasa told me that the community that has developed on each of the actors’ donation pages has been extraordinary to watch. The power of social media has truly been engaged. But they could use more of your help.

How you can become a hero

It’s very simple. You can visit Kristin Davis’ page or Djimon Hounsou’s page. Click a dollar donation amount. It should take you, oh, about a minute, maybe.

If money is a bit tight for you but you still want to help, write up a blog post like this one and ask your network to spread the word. Or share this post to help me spread the word.

Lots of ways to help. Lots of good we can do together.

So let’s do it!

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I’ve been regaling pretty much anyone who will listen lately about my adventures in reading the letters of Mary Todd Lincoln. For the last few days I’ve been trudging through Mary’s first year of widowhood. Her letters are filled with wishes that she would die so that she could join her husband. I don’t have the letters she received (she apparently burnt most of the letters she got) but one can imagine her friends trying to cheer her up with reminders of family life and holidays. She would hear none of it. In fact, Mary wrote to one friend whose husband was dying, “I wish I had had the chance to nurse my husband through a long illness. One final word would have meant so much.” Notes about Christmas inspired Mary to write about how miserable her Christmas was going to be. Notes of condolence just seemed like an open invitation for her to go on about how she wanted to die. No one was more alone than she.

If there is one thing I have learned in my time here on Earth, it’s that everybody has a story – at least one. Even the people who seem the happiest have a story they might sit down to tell you during a late-night talk. Everyone has something in their lives that is a tender spot, and it is a spot that can be poked without anyone realizing what they are doing.

When we are in the throes of something painful, whatever it might be, it is very easy to feel isolated and alone. It seems like everybody has the thing we have lost. It seems like everybody is enjoying what we’re lamenting. It seems everybody is taking for granted that which we want most. It was easy for Mary to feel that, having lost two sons and a husband, she was the most cursed woman walking the face of the earth, and yet one of her dear friends had lost six children. Two of her friends, in the course of a year, also lost their husbands. The details were different, but had Mary chosen, she could have come together with those women and learned from them, and they might have learned from her. She might not have felt so alone.

When that tender part of your heart is stabbed (and that can happen SO easily here in the online world, where words are thrown carelessly about), try your hardest to avoid the downward spiral that convinces you that you are alone. You are not alone. And if you are going through something awful just now, as you are reading this, you are not alone. And people are not purposefully trying to make that tender spot bleed.

Do not lock yourself behind a dark veil and closed doors when you go through a hard time. Do not convince yourself you are alone by creating a reality in which you physically are alone. There is not a person who has walked your exact path, but there are people who have walked paths that are very similar. They are walking them now. You may not be able to see them because they might feel alone too, but they are there. Reach out and grab a hand. Reach out and tell a piece of your story. You might be surprised to find how far from alone you really are.

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