Musings

This is probably my last post before I start family festivities for Christmas. It’s probably one of my last posts of 2011, in fact. I have been thinking about how I would use this occasion. Many people are using this week to reflect on 2011 and thank people who have been meaningful to them.

I was skimming my shiny new Facebook timeline last night and noticed that I had become Facebook friends with a lot of people just a year ago. Some people I now consider better than sliced bread I have only known for five months, really. It seems impossible that I have know so many wonderful people for so short a time. How could I possibly include everyone and not leave out anyone important? Too many people have shown me endless and overpowering support. Too many people have made me smile when I was frowny. Too many people have made me look at life and other things in new ways. I can’t possibly grasp them all in one post.

All of that being said, there are two people I want to thank who changed my life in very big, very different ways in 2011, especially as it pertains to this online portion of my life. Unfortunately, neither of them are still here with us, but if they are floating around in the ether, I hope they get wind of this message. More importantly, I hope that the lessons these two men taught me can be filtered through me and end up helping you.

Trey Pennington

The lesson Trey taught me, or reminded me of, is very simply stated. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. From the very early times of my online life, I heard great things about Trey. I heard tales of his amazing ability to tell stories. I heard what a warm and genuine guy he was. In fact, I don’t recall anyone ever saying anything mean to him. For all of that, I never quite got to the point of interacting with him but for one time. I had written some post – I have no idea what, and whether Trey tweeted it or not, I got a direct message from him shortly thereafter asking me to read a post of his. This one, about Toy Story. I thought, “Man, that’s crazy. This guy that everyone admires wants MY opinion about HIS post?”

On a regular basis I would say to myself, “I really need to start talking to this guy. I really need to make a point of reading his posts.” But you know how life is. You put a million things on your “Must do” list and every day the list gets longer, not shorter. In early September, I found out that Trey had taken his own life. All of my “I need to do that” reminders hadn’t done me a bit of good. My best of intentions had not translated into any kind of action. It’s not a woe is me tale, certainly. I feel for the people who knew and loved the man, especially at this time of year. But for me, it was a reminder that even though we see people every day in the online world, even though it seems like they are just the same every day because of their unflinching avatars and gravatars and profile pictures, we are never guaranteed tomorrow.

Since then, I have done my best to reach out immediately to people I want to get to know better. If things don’t work out and they end up being poopy (my favorite word) then that’s okay. At least I tried to get to know them. At least I pounced on the opportunity. Trey Pennington, through all the tragedy of his death and his last few weeks of life, still managed to teach one more profound lesson.

Bruce Serven

Bruce taught me a very different lesson. Bruce taught me that just because you DO talk to someone online every day does not mean you know the whole story. I saw Bruce’s avatar every time I posted a blog post. He chatted with me often. Always kind, always nice. But I had no idea he was unemployed. I had no idea he was having so many problems. I certainly had no idea he had abandoned all hope and had broken as a person.

Bruce has taught me that one must not take online friendships for granted. Talking to someone in a two-dimensional screened-in environment does not reveal a person’s soul to you, most of the time. You need to dig. You need to be willing to explore a little. You need to be willing to try to nudge a few doors open and see if they stay open or slam close. I wish I had known that. I wish I had noticed that Bruce had gone a month without posting to his site. I wish I had noticed that the last blog post he wrote was pretty angry and cynical. I would have asked him what was up, perhaps. But for all of that talking, I didn’t know him enough to know that he was in trouble.

I have learned that lesson in a way I’d have preferred never to have learned it. But it is one I will not forget. So thank you Bruce, for reminding me that truly getting to know people is a perpetual act of care and work. It is not for the lazy and there are no shortcuts.

And you

All that I have learned from these two men I hope to use as I nurture our relationships, whatever those may be. So as we head into the holiday season and the new year, I want you to know that if I say I care, or respect you, or admire you, I really do. And if I say I’m worried about you, it’s because I want you to know that I don’t want you to slip away.  And if I say hi, it’s because I really want to get to know you.

And with that, I wish you a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukah, a Joyous Kwanzaa, and if I don’t see you till next year…a Happy and prosperous 2012.

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/49889874@N05/6042029343/ via Creative Commons

I know what some of you may be thinking (how’s that for a definitive statement?). You’re thinking, “Man, a whole series, 52 posts, just about gender equality and stuff like that? This is such a non-issue. This is just a hornet’s nest that doesn’t need to be kicked anymore.”

I think a lot of that reaction comes from the fact that often we get on the defensive (or the offensive) when we talk about gender. We have our guards up. Men feel like they are perpetually attacked. Women feel like they are perpetually disrespected. We go into these conversations with those gut reactions already set, and as soon as someone says something, anything, we are ready to throw up our arms and start to block and punch.

I don’t want this series of conversations to go like that, but I do feel it’s important to have these conversations. I did some research over the last few days on what the totally objective, no way you can argue with ’em stats are about women and men in the US (note, just US). Here are some things I thought were interesting.

According to census information from 2009:

• Women who worked full-time all year earned 78.2¢ compared to a man’s dollar

• 29.9 million women 25 years or older have a Bachelor’s Degree. That’s versus 28.7 million men in the same scenario.

According to the National Committee on Pay Equity, which released a report on September 13, 2011:

In 2010, African American women were at 67.7¢ compared to a man’s dollar

According to the White House “Women in America” report released in March of 2011:

• In 2007 24% of women had their first child at age 30 or older. In 2008, 18% of women ages 40-44 had no children at all. These were huge contrasts to similar numbers in the 1970s and 80s.

• In 2009, 28% of working single mothers lived below the poverty level. That’s 8% of all working women and just 6% of all working men.

• 11% of women 25-34 have had at least 2 years of graduate study compared to 8% of men

• In 2009, working women spent 7 hours and 40 minutes on work each day compared to the male average of 8 hours and 50 minutes a day. However, the report notes that these same women did more housework than their male counterparts.

• In 2009, only 7% of women were involved in the computer industry or in engineering. Just 14% were involved in management, business, or finance positions.

• One fifth of all working women were still working in what are considered traditionally female-dominated occupations like teaching and nursing.

What do these statistics mean to us? What story do they tell? To me, it’s a story of progress, certainly, in may areas. Women used to not be allowed to go to college. Now they are graduating in greater numbers than men. Women are waiting longer to have their first child. A lot of women are choosing not to have any children.

But what does that REALLY mean? It begs some questions, doesn’t it? For example:

If women are excelling in school, why is there still a pay gap across all levels of occupation?

If women are waiting to get married and have children, why are we still saying that women don’t want to be in management positions because they care more about having kids? Sure, some women may feel that way, but the statistics are showing that this sentiment is changing.

Why are the women who need support most – single moms – most often living below poverty level?

Why are African American women running some 11¢ behind white women in wages?

And that’s just the US. According to the UNHCR, 49% of refugees are girls. We all have seen the struggles that women have faced around the world in countries where women are most certainly second class citizens.

We need to talk about this stuff and figure it out.

But you’ve come so far

Yeah, women have made a lot of progress. We can vote now. We can own land. We can start companies. We can run for political office. But it’s not the same as it is for men, is it? Is that a bad thing? Is that a good thing? Is equality possible?

That’s what we’ll be talking about every Wednesday for the next year. Those issues. Those topics. Because they have been swept under the rug for far, far too long. The era of patting ourselves on the back is over. It’s time to get back to work.

Don’t you think?

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mckaysavage/3892677218 via Creative Commons

 

Hi there, everyone!

I am very excited to announce that every Wednesday for the next year, I’m going to be writing a post here on ye Olde Blog as part of a series I am calling Women Wednesday (or #womenwednesday for you G+ and Twitter fans).

This series stems from too many posts I’m reading that make me want to tear my hair out. Whether it’s, “all women are like this” or “all women should do this,” these posts continually insist on painting all women (and all men) as exactly the same. I guess if I had to write a tagline for this new series, it would be something like,

“Our alikeness ends at the womb.”

I am hoping for a lot of lively conversation. I am also hoping that men weigh in freely on these posts. The purpose is to start a dialogue that we really need to have.

What will be talking about on Wednesdays for the next year? Here is the list!

1. Today we start!

2. But you’ve gained so much ground!

3. Who loves kids more than women?

4. Don’t tell women what to do cuz they’re listening to me.

5. Women aren’t mean enough to win

6.  The cussing game

7. Incoming! The Direct Message

8. It’s so cute when she talks smart

9. Sexism hurts dads, too

10. Shoot. Where’d my husband go?

11. Cuz women like to talk and shop

12. Maybe I’ll just go naked…

13. You’re just a Feminazi

14. Women will never be satisfied

15. The Mommy-Blogger phenomenon

16. All women are the same

17. All men are the same

18. Women aren’t competitive

19. If you like pink you’re dumb

20. Full time moms don’t deserve abuse

21. The super-mom myth

22. The non-entity dad myth

23. The online grapevine

24. I like you cuz you’re hot

25. Women hate technology

26. I need a man to help me out

27. If you’re not a wife or a mom you’re not busy

28. What is brave?

29. Is the glass ceiling really broken?

30. Is it easier to abuse women online?

31. Online resources to help women

32. The pressure to be the star

33. “Best of the women” lists

34. Where are the non-white women?

35. Anger equals witch with a B

36. Women lead differently. Right?

37. Career women are probably cold and unfeeling.

38. Why women do start-ups

39. The lies women tell

40. Women are conniving. Men are clever.

41. What is taboo for the online woman?

42. Hear women. And listen.

43. Girl on girl bullying – it starts young

44. Strength in numbers…or Heathers?

45. Women as bosses

46. The strengths women exhibit online

47. Fighting for women doesn’t mean disliking men

48. Ten great resources about online women

49. Ten great businesswomen online

50. Ten great women who spread social good online

51. Ten great women you may not know (but should)

52. Concluding Thoughts

I am really excited about discussing these topics with you throughout 2012. I hope you’re excited, too!

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kheelcenter/5279671012/ via Creative Commons

I was watching CBS Sunday Morning as I am wont to do and there was a story about the awesome organization called Operation Gratitude. It was started by a stay-at-home mom right around 9/11 and is going strong 10 years later. The founder, Carolyn Blashek, told the story of how she was inspired to start the group.

One day, as she was working at her volunteer job at the airport, a distraught soldier came in to talk to her. He was home to bury his mother. His wife had left him and his infant daughter had died. He said, “I have nobody who cares about me now. I’m going off to war and I don’t even care if I make it back. No one will care if I don’t.”

Carolyn was struck by this and started Operation Gratitude so that soldiers abroad would know that they had a reason to come home. They had someone out there who cared.

Over the last few days, in tweets I’ve seen and posts I’ve read, the stress of the last year has become almost tangible. It’s holiday time. Is it harder to get your kids all of those presents they want? Is it hard to go without a big tree this year? Is it hard to wonder where you and your family will be at this time next year? Or does it seem like you’ll never get to a place where the holidays can be happy for you? Does it feel like no one out there really cares about you?

I don’t care about being sappy if it makes you smile

In the online world, we are all sort of floating along like those clumps of seaweed you see on the tips of ocean waves. Sometimes we clump together, other times we just float on by.

If there is any time of year when we should clump together, it’s now. If there’s any year when this time of year should be a clump together time, it may be this year. The world is so full of uncertainty. The toll of numerous years of economic turmoil is weighing heavily on people. And 2012? Well, it’s still a great big mystery, isn’t it?

So how do we clump together? Well, I’m reaching out to you here, with this post, and I’m saying that even if you are feeling low right now…even if you didn’t meet even one of your goals for this year…even if you are sure that no one really cares about you…I care. There’s probably not much I can do for you, and that’s frustrating. But I’m here. And other people are here who care about you. And I bet you’re there for someone else who may be feeling the same way.

Sure, this is what some people might call sappy stuff, but if my being sappy lets one person feel a little better for a short period of time, heck, that’s an easy trade, isn’t it?

These are hard times, and many people, to quote Bill Murray in Scrooged, are having a hard time getting their miracle to happen. Now is a great time to reach out to people and say, “You know what, you’re awesome. And I’m proud to know you.”

Hey. You’re awesome. And I’m proud to know you.

Hang in there.

Image credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cliph/23730678/ via Creative Commons

As we enter the closing of the year and look forward to the beginning of a new one, it is only natural to reflect on the times and events that are now behind us. For me, 2011 will be remembered as an overall extremely positive and good year. However, as I reflect back on the events that helped define this year, I must sadly mark the passing of people from the online world who are no longer with us on this plane of existence.

And yet…they are still with us in the online world.

I first noticed this phenomenon earlier this year. A friend of mine on Facebook was going on a trip that she normally had made with a friend of hers. This friend had passed away several months ago, but her Facebook page remained active as a living memorial. People were still leaving messages there as if this friend of my friend would randomly come back and start “liking” each wall post. From the last update the woman made to what was then the current time, the Facebook page remained a digital representation of part of who this woman had been. And it continued to represent her, and live, long after she had gone.

I suspect this happens often in the online world. My buddy Bruce Serven still is roaming the Twitter world. His last update is dated 2 days before he did the unthinkable. Many of his last entries on Twitter are tweets of posts I had written. There is his avatar that used to greet me every time I wrote a post. His face looks exactly the same, but his Twitter account is quiet.

Trey Pennington’s Twitter account is also still open and living. If you do a search for his name you find people quoting his blog posts and tweeting his videos, even still. Even though on his blog site it is noted that he has no events booked for now, there is no explanation for why. If you do not know what happened to this man, you may well think he merely is on hiatus from the online world. You might never guess that Trey left this world so tragically, so eerily, 3 months ago.

What do we do with these digital ghosts of ours? It almost seems cruel that they are still there on our screens, smiling in that same avatar pose. It seems cruel that some people who have automated feeds in their accounts still appear active even after they have gone silent in the offline world. And yet it’s kind of comforting too, isn’t it? To see these faces and to remember a time when we could take comfort in the fact that these great people were still with us, if not in our direct sphere of existence at least somewhere on this planet of ours.

What will we do as our online world continues to fill with these digital ghosts? Will the online world become too painful? Will the faces of our now-gone friends haunt us as we tweet and blog? Do we warn people that these folks will not be responding? Do we say why? Or do we let people meet these friends of ours and merely wonder why there is no response back? Which is less cruel? Which is more comforting?

What do you think about this?

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/naccarato/8407429/ via Creative Commons