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Archives for March 2013

Defining Social Media Friendships

by Margie Clayman

4371372543_9d67ab84db_mIf you have been around me much, you know that I’ve been very pensive regarding this whole social media…thing. There is of course the business side. I’m a marketer – I can’t help but ponder the impact that social media is having and will have on the business world. But there is also the personal arena. Why do I post the things that I post? Do I post too much? Do I use the word “friend” too loosely? Are people really presenting themselves as they really are?

Last week these thoughts became even more insistent on grasping my brain. On Hecklers’ Hangout (a Google Plus/Twitter/Youtube show I co-host with Brian Vickery) we welcomed as our guest Ellen Bremen, a professor of Communication over in Seattle. The topic of our hangout was based around an experiment Ellen has been doing with her students. She makes them take a 3-day “social media fast,” meaning no social media or texting. The students then need to write papers based on that experience. One student’s paper really has been haunting me. The student noted that after the experiment, they are feeling isolated. They weren’t able to get in touch with their friends as easily, and they found that getting together with their friends in person was a very different experience from talking to them online. There didn’t seem to be as much of a connection. They felt, in a way, that their entire social world had been a fraud. Taking away social media had hurt, not helped them.

With all of that bustling around in my head, my friend Jillian then posted to Facebook over the weekend, clearly wondering about the same sorts of things. She wrote,

You know how we deepen the connections we make in social media, first into more platforms and then into email and finally phone calls and in-person socializing? It may not take that exact path, may skip or meander around those points but generally, the goal between humans is to increase the involvement where possible.

We like to reserve Facebook for those connections that are closest, most personal and mutually rewarding, right? So perhaps if you truly want to clean up your friend list, you can look at it not only as “who hasn’t interacted with my stuff in a while” but also as “who, in my timeline, can I tell how the last year of their life has gone?”

Because YOU have to be a friend, too. Maybe your FB friends have backed off because YOU aren’t making the effort to be involved with THEM.

I pondered all of this for quite some time and posted a very long-winded response to Jillian’s questions and thoughts. Here is where I ended up.

When I say that I care about you, I mean it. While we all might not be “friends” in the traditional sense – we don’t hang, we don’t call each other on the phone, we didn’t go to school with each other, the relationships we are growing here are not devoid of meaning. When bad things happen to you I feel terrible. If anything were to happen to you that would take you out of my life, I would be devastated. Those are not two-dimensional sentiments. Those are real.

While I am certainly closer to some folks than I am to others, what we all create here is a patchwork quilt of varying levels of friendship, understanding, similar experiences, and more.

While social media can become addictive and all sorts of negative things, I think we sometimes forget that it is because of this technology that we can talk to people simultaneously in Dubai and Akron and California and Minnesota and France and England and who knows where else. For free. We met each other because of social media. For all of its foibles and weirdness, I also wouldn’t trade that for anything.

I wish I lived close to everybody I engage with regularly online. I wish it was easier to make time to make the phonecalls and go out for the coffees that help friendships grow when they’re meant to. We are in a new era and these things are perhaps harder than they used to be. Distance, real life distance, works against us. But all the more reason to cherish the fact that we can talk to each other every day, and if we work at it, the time for those phonecalls and coffees will come around. Life is funny that way. As my man Lincoln said, we can lament that the rose bush has thorns or we can glorify the fact that the thorns have roses.

I also happen to know, from personal experience, that friendships created online can deepen at the drop of a hat. There has been many a time when I have noticed someone seems down. I have decided, based on our growing friendship, to drop them a private message to check in on them, and often the trust is there. We begin to share there, and from that point on moving to in-person meetings or skype chats or whatever the next level might be is far more meaningful. If any online relationship has the potential to become a more meaningful, traditional type of friendship, should we not cherish those relationships just as much, even if we have perhaps never been in the same exact location together “in real life”?

What do you think about all of this? How do you define the “friends” you have on Facebook? What do you think of online relationships? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nevilzaveri/4371372543/ via Creative Commons

Filed Under: Musings

A Letter To Those Of You Struggling With Infertility

by Margie Clayman

6880359855_3179d2ea9e_mDear You,

I know you are probably trying to stay anonymous. They call infertility one of those “silent” things people deal with. It’s too hard to talk about casually, for one thing. It’s not like you can shake someone’s hand and say, “By the way, I can’t seem to have children.” I suppose you could, but it might be a little awkward. And besides, people get kind of weird when you talk about this. You can see them trying to figure out if they should unfriend you on Facebook you so that they can freely post their pictures of their kids. You can see them wanting to ask questions, like, “Well, are you sure you aren’t just too stressed out?” It can seem easier, really, to stay quiet and anonymous.

But I know you’re out there. I’ve seen glimpses of some of you. I know you’re out there because I’m out there, and I’ve been quiet too.

Being immersed in the world of social media when you struggle with infertility is hard. It’s hard to ignore the fact that there’s a whole segment of the online population categorized as “mommy bloggers.” It’s hard to see things on Pinterest like, “You haven’t really lived until you’ve tucked your kids in.” It’s hard to see all of the pictures of your friends’ children that show up in your Facebook stream. It’s hard, and it can feel overwhelming at times, to be inundated with conversations occurring between parents – conversations you can’t really participate in.

It’s hard to stay quiet. It’s hard not to yell at everyone to shut up. Just for a day.

It is hard, but it is not impossible.

I am here to tell you that you can make it in the online world, even with all of these nameless, quietly endured obstacles standing in your way. If you are thinking about shutting yourself away or unfriending people who post pictures of their kids, do not do it. You will come to a place, as hard as it may be to believe, where you will actually get great joy from watching these babies you know grow in the online world. These pictures, these conversations, they serve to remind you that even though you may not be able to bring your own children into the world, there are still tons of children out there to love. Some of them, like your friends’ babies, are really lucky. There are countless others who are not so lucky and who need our help. These are all good reminders to have.

I also want you to know, though, that you are not alone. Even as you sit there typing, not saying anything as these messages of pain and bitterness flash across your brain, you are not alone. There are people out here who know where you’re coming from. They may not say anything, but they are out there. They understand with no questions asked.

Some day, I hope society can evolve to the point where women AND men who struggle with infertility are not made to feel ashamed. I think medical professionals have a lot to do with that. I think family members have a lot to do with that. Infertility is not a badge of dishonor. It is not a scarlet letter I. It is a medical condition. Sometimes it is caused by other things. Sometimes nobody knows why. It should not be the “Silent” syndrome, however. My belief in that last point is why I wanted to write this post. I don’t want to be hush hush about this anymore. I don’t want it to be an everyday topic either, but I am not ashamed that this is something I have to deal with.

I don’t want you to feel ashamed either. And I don’t want you to feel alone.

You are not alone. I am here. And I’m just one.

Remember that.

Love,

Margie

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/evelynized/6880359855 via Creative Commons

Filed Under: Musings

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