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Margie ClaymanMargie Clayman

Marietta, OH

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A Letter To Those Of You Struggling With Infertility

March 11, 2013 by Margie Clayman 28 Comments

6880359855_3179d2ea9e_mDear You,

I know you are probably trying to stay anonymous. They call infertility one of those “silent” things people deal with. It’s too hard to talk about casually, for one thing. It’s not like you can shake someone’s hand and say, “By the way, I can’t seem to have children.” I suppose you could, but it might be a little awkward. And besides, people get kind of weird when you talk about this. You can see them trying to figure out if they should unfriend you on Facebook you so that they can freely post their pictures of their kids. You can see them wanting to ask questions, like, “Well, are you sure you aren’t just too stressed out?” It can seem easier, really, to stay quiet and anonymous.

But I know you’re out there. I’ve seen glimpses of some of you. I know you’re out there because I’m out there, and I’ve been quiet too.

Being immersed in the world of social media when you struggle with infertility is hard. It’s hard to ignore the fact that there’s a whole segment of the online population categorized as “mommy bloggers.” It’s hard to see things on Pinterest like, “You haven’t really lived until you’ve tucked your kids in.” It’s hard to see all of the pictures of your friends’ children that show up in your Facebook stream. It’s hard, and it can feel overwhelming at times, to be inundated with conversations occurring between parents – conversations you can’t really participate in.

It’s hard to stay quiet. It’s hard not to yell at everyone to shut up. Just for a day.

It is hard, but it is not impossible.

I am here to tell you that you can make it in the online world, even with all of these nameless, quietly endured obstacles standing in your way. If you are thinking about shutting yourself away or unfriending people who post pictures of their kids, do not do it. You will come to a place, as hard as it may be to believe, where you will actually get great joy from watching these babies you know grow in the online world. These pictures, these conversations, they serve to remind you that even though you may not be able to bring your own children into the world, there are still tons of children out there to love. Some of them, like your friends’ babies, are really lucky. There are countless others who are not so lucky and who need our help. These are all good reminders to have.

I also want you to know, though, that you are not alone. Even as you sit there typing, not saying anything as these messages of pain and bitterness flash across your brain, you are not alone. There are people out here who know where you’re coming from. They may not say anything, but they are out there. They understand with no questions asked.

Some day, I hope society can evolve to the point where women AND men who struggle with infertility are not made to feel ashamed. I think medical professionals have a lot to do with that. I think family members have a lot to do with that. Infertility is not a badge of dishonor. It is not a scarlet letter I. It is a medical condition. Sometimes it is caused by other things. Sometimes nobody knows why. It should not be the “Silent” syndrome, however. My belief in that last point is why I wanted to write this post. I don’t want to be hush hush about this anymore. I don’t want it to be an everyday topic either, but I am not ashamed that this is something I have to deal with.

I don’t want you to feel ashamed either. And I don’t want you to feel alone.

You are not alone. I am here. And I’m just one.

Remember that.

Love,

Margie

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/evelynized/6880359855 via Creative Commons

Filed Under: Musings

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Lisa Frame says

    March 11, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    I have a close friend who’s been struggling for so long and I wish there was a magic pill she could take that would end her struggles. I’ve also struggled with fertility due to a medical condition and am one of the lucky ones. There is no shame in infertility. The shame comes from their not being a larger discussion and greater support for the silent victims of infertility.

    Reply
    • Lisa Frame says

      March 11, 2013 at 1:44 pm

      And “there”…

      Reply
    • margieclayman says

      March 11, 2013 at 10:03 pm

      @Lisa Frame There are a lot of misunderstandings. A lot of misconceptions. When I was part of a forum board a lot of women talked about how family, friends, and even doctors would say, “Well, you just need to relax. You’re too stressed out.” It misses the whole point that this is a medical problem and it makes the person feel responsible when they are so not. We have a long way to go on this subject matter.

      Reply
  2. ShellyKramer says

    March 11, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Great post, Margie. And as someone who has dealt with this issue personally, I’ll mention that there are things you can do about it if you want to. Treatment, adoption, foster parenting, being a Big Brother or a Big Sister — there are many children out there who need loving and you don’t have to try hard to find them.

    Reply
    • margieclayman says

      March 11, 2013 at 10:02 pm

      @ShellyKramer Well said, Ms. Shelly. Thank you!

      Reply
  3. DanielleSherman says

    March 11, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    Margie! I thought I was reading this post on another blog that I read. I was so surprised when I read the signature and realized I was reading your blog. I just want to reach out and hug you right now. I had a tough weekend in this particular regard and have had infertility as part of my reality for several years now. Your words rang very true for me and were exactly what I needed to read right now. I swear if you are ever in the San Francisco area, you and I really need to meet. I hope you are well.
    Danielle

    Reply
    • margieclayman says

      March 11, 2013 at 10:02 pm

      @DanielleSherman I’m so glad, Danielle. That is why I wrote the post, in case someone needed to hear the words I have come to understand. Hang in there, lady. ((hugs))

      Reply
  4. Couchable says

    March 11, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    I’m not going to pretent to know what its like as a guy to have a physiological need to have a child, but there are millions of children looking to be adopted.

    Reply
    • margieclayman says

      March 11, 2013 at 10:02 pm

      @Couchable Very true. Thank you.

      Reply
  5. Milaspage says

    March 11, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    A beautiful post & letter Margie. Very well said.

    Reply
    • margieclayman says

      March 11, 2013 at 10:01 pm

      @Milaspage thanks lady.

      Reply
  6. geoffliving says

    March 12, 2013 at 3:53 am

    This post took an incredible amount of courage.  Congratulations, Margie. I am sure you helped someone.

    Reply
    • margieclayman says

      March 12, 2013 at 8:10 am

      @geoffliving Thanks Geoff. It was rather much harder than I thought it was going to be, to be honest. Kind of weird. But here we are 🙂

      Reply
  7. karimacatherine says

    March 13, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    Love you Margie. XO

    Reply
    • margieclayman says

      March 13, 2013 at 10:43 pm

      @karimacatherine thanks lady 🙂

      Reply
  8. berkson0 says

    March 14, 2013 at 4:26 pm

    Thank you, Margie. A “silent” syndrome indeed. I understand all too well.

    Reply
  9. RaulColon says

    March 16, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    Margie, 
     
    We love you a lot Margie… On a less serious note you can always adopt me. I would love to have a cool mom like you. 
     
    🙂

    Reply
  10. jaklinbadr2013 says

    July 15, 2014 at 2:44 pm

    Thank you, Margie. A “silent” syndrome indeed. I understand all too well. http://www.kema-ryiadh.com/%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%B8%D9%8A%D9%81-%D8%B4%D9%82%D9%82-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%B1%D9%8A%D8%A7%D8%B6/http://www.omery.org/%D8%B9%D8%B2%D9%84-%D8%AE%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%A7%D8%AA/%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%83%D8%A9-%D8%B9%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%84/http://riyadh-cleaning.com/%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%83%D8%A9-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%A7%D9%81%D9%87-%D8%B9%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%B1%D9%8A%D8%A7%D8%B6/http://www.almnara.org/%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%B8%D9%8A%D9%81-%D8%B4%D9%82%D9%82/http://www.zohra.org/%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%83%D8%A9-%D8%AC%D9%84%D9%89-%D8%A8%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B7-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%B1%D9%8A%D8%A7%D8%B6/http://www.kahtani.net/%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%83%D8%A9-%D8%B1%D8%B4-%D9%85%D8%A8%D9%8A%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%B1%D9%8A%D8%A7%D8%B6/ http://www.tasleek.org/%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%83%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%B9%D8%B2%D9%84-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%AD%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%8A/http://www.shamel7.com/%D8%AE%D8%AF%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%B8%D9%8A%D9%81-%D8%A7%D8%AE%D8%B1%D9%89/%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%83%D8%A9-%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%B8%D9%8A%D9%81-%D9%85%D9%88%D9%83%D9%8A%D8%AA-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%B1%D9%8A%D8%A7%D8%B6/   http://www.nsmat-dammam.org/%d8%ae%d8%af%d9%85%d8%a7%d8%aa-%d8%a7%d9%84%d8%aa%d9%86%d8%b8%d9%8a%d9%81/%d8%b4%d8%b1%d9%83%d8%a9-%d8%aa%d9%86%d8%b8%d9%8a%d9%81-%d9%81%d9%84%d9%84-%d8%a8%d8%a7%d9%84%d8%af%d9%85%d8%a7%d9%85/  http://www.nsmat-jeddah.org/http://www.nile7.com/%D9%85%D9%83%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%AD%D8%A9-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%AD%D8%B4%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AA/%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%83%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%B1%D8%B4-%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%85%D8%A8%D9%8A%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%AD%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%8A%D8%A9-%D8%A8%D8%AC%D8%AF%D8%A9
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    Reply
  11. sara43 says

    November 14, 2014 at 6:18 pm

    I’d like to thank Dr.Yun Ye for his help with my infertility and share my success baby story.
    I have been diagnosed with PCOS, having irregular periods and the possibility of not ovulating regularly.
    I was 37 and referred to a fertility specialist.
     I’ve been put on clomid and I’ve had 3 miscarriages and then I could not even get pregnant,
    After spending 2 years with a fertility specialist, I have realized it was time to try something else. I asked to be
    referred to another fertility clinic and while waiting for my appointment,
    I decided to give acupunture a try. I was been referred to a Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor, Dr. Yun Ye,
    by someone who was in her early 40s, i got His Traditional Medicine and then got pregnant, it worked like magic,
    I was hesitant to try it at first and I had had Dr. Ye’s contact information for some time before I contacted him.
    After 3 months of herbal treatment (cooking dried herbs and drinking the herbal tea 2x a day), herbal tincture,
    my ultrasound report read “no polycystic ovaries”. I continued with acupuncture and herbal tinctures for a few more months
    and after 2 months of cycle monitoring with Dr. Ye, I got pregnant.
    During my pregnancy I continued to  take herbal tinctures that are safe in pregnancy, I felt great.
    I hope to try to get pregnant again soon with the help of Dr. Ye.
    I would like to pass my experience and information to all women who are struggling with infertility,
    with or without PCOS or any other diagnoses, and who are interested in finding out more.
    There is a chance that you can get pregnant naturally.
    All you need to do is bring your body in balance and that is what Traditional Chinese Medicine does,
    Unlike Western medicine, it does not fix one problem and create another in your body,
    it installs balance to the whole body.”
    You can contact Dr. Yun via eMail;doctoryechinesemedicine@yahoo.com
    (Search For Dr. Yun Ye on Google)

    Reply
  12. solomwest says

    January 18, 2015 at 5:25 pm

    After 11 years of marriage without the cry of a baby in my home, just late last year, I knew about Dr. Thomas Infertility program which i have been on ever since and now am 4 months pregnant with twin inside the very womb i was told i couldn’t have a baby with.

    I’m just writing to thank you personally for giving me the opportunity to tryout your herbal medication for infertility curing secret.

    Ever since I order the full treatment of your infertility medication from Dr. Thomas through their email: phoenixtears1@gmail.com

    I’ve been following it carefully for just 21 weeks, and I have noticed a dramatic change in my immune body system as the latest scan results has indicated a 2 months pregnancy for me. I have so much more energy. I am feeling happier and my immune body system results don’t lie_ I am no longer in the infertility range anymore.
    I can finally promise my husband that we are having a baby very soon.

    Let join the millions that are getting pregnant through Dr. Thomas Bailey programs today by letting your love one know about Dr. Thomas infertility secret. 
    Acquire more info at: phoenixtears1@gmail.com

    Am now pregnant after 11 years of marriage, am finally pregnant with the help of Dr. Thomas medical solution. God am finally pregnant. 

    Whoa, what a wonder, please all the ladies out their without the cry of baby should contact Dr. Thomas urgently as am i weakness and so many of my friends have been testifying to the wonders of Dr. Thomas fertility programs.

    Thank you so, so much.

    Teddy Theresa.
    Ontario

    Reply
  13. geraldvonberger says

    February 2, 2015 at 5:53 pm

    It’s interesting that there are programs that do such a good job at helping people get pregnant. It’s definitely a beacon of hope for a lot of couples. I like what you said about not getting frustrated or discouraged. Also, the medications you mentioned sound like they might be a good option for some couples. It’s probably good to talk to a doctor to see if you’re a candidate for those infertility remedies. http://ivf.towndrugstore.com

    Reply
  14. ekhtsasy says

    April 4, 2015 at 11:22 am

    We love you a lot Margie… On a less serious note you can always adopt me. I would love to have a cool mom like you. 
    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    Reply
  15. ekhtsasy says

    April 4, 2015 at 11:23 am

    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– http://www.roknnagd.com/%d8%b4%d8%b1%d9%83%d8%a9-%d9%86%d9%82%d9%84-%d8%b9%d9%81%d8%b4-%d8%a8%d8%a7%d9%84%d8%b1%d9%8a%d8%a7%d8%b6/%d8%b4%d8%b1%d9%83%d8%a9-%d9%86%d9%82%d9%84-%d8%a7%d8%ab%d8%a7%d8%ab-%d8%a8%d8%ac%d8%af%d8%a9/

    Reply
  16. شركة فرسان الخليج says

    April 11, 2015 at 3:47 am

    nice article for sharing
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    Reply
  17. quintrent13 says

    April 15, 2015 at 6:21 pm

    My older sister has started going to an infertility clinic lately too. She has been having a hard time getting pregnant and has been wanting to have a kid with her husband. They have been trying for a couple years now with no luck. They are hoping to figure something out and possibly have a kid soon.
     http://www.contemporaryhealthcareforwomen.com/about

    Reply
  18. Gary Puntman says

    May 8, 2015 at 7:13 pm

    This is very thoughtful.  I know infertility can be very hard for some people.  I have some neighbors who are dealing with this.  Infertility clinics can help sometimes.  It’s good there are options out there for people who want to have kids. http://www.awakenpa.com/acupuncture/

    Reply
  19. medokoutb says

    May 10, 2015 at 9:40 pm

    You have very good blog

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  20. ahmedbybw says

    May 11, 2015 at 1:19 pm

    They have been trying for a couple years now with no luck
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