Margie Clayman

When Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd were in the early days of their courtship, they were part of a group in Springfield that was known as the Coterie. Apparently one of the members of this group was a guy who was a real character, so much so that Mary wrote up a funny rhyme and submitted it to a newspaper. Much to her surprise, as well as Lincoln’s, the poem got published. Even more surprising, the man the poem was about contacted the newspaper publisher demanding to know who had written this insulting piece. Lincoln took the blame and was promptly challenged to a sword duel, if you can believe that. Luckily a friend intervened and nobody was hurt. Abe and Mary decided the whole thing was so embarrassing they’d never talk about it again.

In the online world, it’s really easy to say something preachy or something funny at another person’s expense. We get a big reaction when we’re funny. We spark good conversations when we use a specific example to prove our points. Sometimes that specific example is something another person has done, wrong or right. When we are using another person to show how NOT to do something, we approach it like the Lincolns. We don’t exactly say who we’re talking about, right? We insinuate things. We leave little clues. But most of the time, no names are given. We stir up a mess of wasps and because we didn’t mention a name, we feel like we kept the person relatively anonymous.

I know this because I have done this myself. I have written posts or tweets or Facebook updates about something someone did or about something someone did NOT do, but I didn’t use their names or links to their websites or anything like that. I figured I could vent or make a point and because I wasn’t using a name, there was no harm. However, I think I have been lucky. It would be easy for someone like that friend of the Lincolns to suddenly challenge me and ask why I was bad-mouthing them. And it could happen to you, too.

In life, whether online or offline, I think we need to take more care in saying only what we can say with great conviction. If you TRULY believe that someone’s website is crap and you want to use them as an example of what not to do, don’t just quote some of the parts that you think are horrendous. Name them. First of all, it’s easy enough for people to search for the quotes you copied and figure it out anyway, but also, if you are so certain what they are doing is wrong, you should not be afraid to name them. If you don’t feel strongly enough about it to be bold, then perhaps you are feeling a sting of conscience. Obliquely referencing a person or a company is the online version of talking behind someone’s back. If you can’t say it directly to them, perhaps the best move is to refrain.

I am not saying that people should do more call-outs or that people should be MORE mean. But I guess I would say that in this era of Google and Twitter search and Facebook search, you never really can hide the identity of someone you’re raking over the coals, right? People can figure it out. People can alert them. If that makes your palms sweaty, perhaps you should refrain. Perhaps you do not really believe strongly what it is you were going to say. Perhaps you were just looking for a reaction. There are better ways to get one.

Don’t you think?

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I was contacted today by Rasa Dawson, Senior Organizer for Community Engagement at OxFam America. Rasa told me a very interesting story. Like many good stories, it involves a conflict with something evil (in this case starvation), some heroes (you could be filed here), and the ending…well, we have yet to see if this story will have a happy ending.

What we’re fighting

The battle in this story is against starvation in the Sahel region of Africa. You can read all about the problems plaguing this region here at the Oxfam page. The bottom line is that if action is not taken soon, up to 18 million people will be facing the painful pangs of starvation.

The heroes

Unfortunately, this growing tragedy is not getting much media attention, so OxFam has tried to do outreach via celebrity contacts and social media. So far, Kristin Davis, one of the stars of Sex in the City, and Djimon Hounsou (perhaps best known for his work in Amistad) have succeeded in raising an amazing $12,000 for the Sahel region. Rasa told me that the community that has developed on each of the actors’ donation pages has been extraordinary to watch. The power of social media has truly been engaged. But they could use more of your help.

How you can become a hero

It’s very simple. You can visit Kristin Davis’ page or Djimon Hounsou’s page. Click a dollar donation amount. It should take you, oh, about a minute, maybe.

If money is a bit tight for you but you still want to help, write up a blog post like this one and ask your network to spread the word. Or share this post to help me spread the word.

Lots of ways to help. Lots of good we can do together.

So let’s do it!

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I’ve been regaling pretty much anyone who will listen lately about my adventures in reading the letters of Mary Todd Lincoln. For the last few days I’ve been trudging through Mary’s first year of widowhood. Her letters are filled with wishes that she would die so that she could join her husband. I don’t have the letters she received (she apparently burnt most of the letters she got) but one can imagine her friends trying to cheer her up with reminders of family life and holidays. She would hear none of it. In fact, Mary wrote to one friend whose husband was dying, “I wish I had had the chance to nurse my husband through a long illness. One final word would have meant so much.” Notes about Christmas inspired Mary to write about how miserable her Christmas was going to be. Notes of condolence just seemed like an open invitation for her to go on about how she wanted to die. No one was more alone than she.

If there is one thing I have learned in my time here on Earth, it’s that everybody has a story – at least one. Even the people who seem the happiest have a story they might sit down to tell you during a late-night talk. Everyone has something in their lives that is a tender spot, and it is a spot that can be poked without anyone realizing what they are doing.

When we are in the throes of something painful, whatever it might be, it is very easy to feel isolated and alone. It seems like everybody has the thing we have lost. It seems like everybody is enjoying what we’re lamenting. It seems everybody is taking for granted that which we want most. It was easy for Mary to feel that, having lost two sons and a husband, she was the most cursed woman walking the face of the earth, and yet one of her dear friends had lost six children. Two of her friends, in the course of a year, also lost their husbands. The details were different, but had Mary chosen, she could have come together with those women and learned from them, and they might have learned from her. She might not have felt so alone.

When that tender part of your heart is stabbed (and that can happen SO easily here in the online world, where words are thrown carelessly about), try your hardest to avoid the downward spiral that convinces you that you are alone. You are not alone. And if you are going through something awful just now, as you are reading this, you are not alone. And people are not purposefully trying to make that tender spot bleed.

Do not lock yourself behind a dark veil and closed doors when you go through a hard time. Do not convince yourself you are alone by creating a reality in which you physically are alone. There is not a person who has walked your exact path, but there are people who have walked paths that are very similar. They are walking them now. You may not be able to see them because they might feel alone too, but they are there. Reach out and grab a hand. Reach out and tell a piece of your story. You might be surprised to find how far from alone you really are.

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Every now and then, you come upon the wise saying that goes something like this: “Life is short. Eat your dessert first.” I’ve encountered a lot of real-life moments where this saying has crept into my head. There have been trips I’ve really really wanted to take but I didn’t have the money at the time. If I had followed the “eat your dessert first” mentality, I would have gone and I would have worried about the cost of the trip later. Other people did make the decision that way and the trip was beyond wonderful for them, just as I had imagined it would have been for me. Did I make the right choice?

Life *is* short, it’s true. You never know what’s going to creep in on you and make things painful or difficult. However, you also don’t want to do anything that could contribute to anything bad. Sometimes living responsibly means eating all of the broccoli and getting to the dessert the next time you’re hungry.

However, I wouldn’t pitch this entire concept. I would just alter it a little bit. Instead of saying that we should eat our dessert first, what if we tried to look at everything as if it WAS dessert? What if we relished the fact that we have to go to work because that means we have jobs and a steady paycheck? What if we relished the fact that we’re paying bills because that means we can run our air conditioning during this hot weather? What if we relished that teenage kid slamming the door to her room because that means she’s THERE and safe and, well, normal?

Granted, it might be difficult to convince yourself that that big mess of broccoli is really a hot fudge brownie sundae. You’d have to do some real fussing with your brain and your taste buds to make that workable. But even there, it’s possible to relish something, like the fact that you have access to that food, or the fact that by eating that broccoli you’re doing a lot more good for your body than that sundae would do.

I’m not saying there aren’t some things that will just not be able to seem like dessert, but sometimes that just means that we are no longer in our normal humdrum state of being. When things go poorly, we long for that normal day when we were sitting at home while other people were touring the Vatican, right? We wish our biggest problem was deciding whether to watch something on Netflix streaming or to read a book. Those are good decisions and can certainly seem like dessert in comparison to other times. So, why not recognize them as dessert while you’re living them rather than lusting after the “dessert” you think you want most?

What do you think?

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Yesterday I visited my favorite bakery. The counters there, much like the counters everywhere, extend far above my head as I only stand at 4’5, so it’s hard for people to spot me unless they see me come through the door. I was looking at items and was next in line when all of a sudden the woman behind me started to order. She clearly did not recognize I was an adult, and the woman behind the counter hadn’t seen me.

When I was in high school and college especially, these kinds of events used to infuriate me. I would sometimes simply step out of line and leave without ordering anything. I would go home and cry because I felt so badly that I was overlooked. Nowadays, I simply raise my voice and say, “Um, I was ahead of you in line.” It seems to work.

Which strategy do you suppose works out better for me if I want a cupcake? Getting angry, maybe being rude to people, leaving altogether, or simply announcing my presence and completing the purchase? If you guessed choice B, you are spot on. I still find these scenarios to be extremely frustrating, moreso because of people in line than because of people behind the tall counter. But I have learned to be frustrated for a few seconds and then keep moving.

I believe everybody has triggers like this that cause frustration. You could be in the best mood and someone acts in a certain way or says something and you find yourself flying off the handle, right? What you must think about in regards to your hot buttons (because if we think about it we all know what gets us red-faced with anger) is what you accomplish by getting angry and what you could accomplish by moving on.

Let me give you another example. I run a page on Facebook that is dedicated to educating people about why many Little People find the word “midget” offensive. Someone on there said something very interesting one day. They said, “When someone teases you, don’t get mad. Educate.” This is an instance where again you have two possible actions (and this goes for anyone that gets teased about anything). You can get angry or upset or you can try to use the opportunity to raise awareness about why what the person is doing is wrong. Barring that, you can take the opportunity to educate yourself – teach yourself that when someone is rude, insensitive, or mean, it is about them and not about you. It sounds trite and a bit cliché, but some clichés are around because they’re true.

Consider too the risks you take if you get mad instead of choosing to move on. For example, let’s say bad driving is one of your hot button issues. If you suffer from road rage, you can actually end up causing an accident yourself. Your flustering and bustering can distract you from what’s actually happening on the road. That’s not a very good trade-off, and I guarantee you that no matter how mad you get, that person will always be a bad driver. Your fingers, your horn, and their ability to read lips will not affect their overall driving philosophy.

So what are your hot button issues? How would it benefit you if you started to move on instead of investing a lot of time in getting angry or hurt or upset? Let’s talk about it!

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In what could best be described as a moment of rubbernecking, I decided to watch LeBron James’ acceptance speech after receiving the MPV award for the Finals, and then I also watched one of his post-game interviews after the Miami Heat put a finish to the Thunder. I hate to say it (I’m from LeBron’s hometown and still strongly dislike the way he treated Northeast Ohio) but LeBron actually said something pretty profound. When asked what the difference was between last year and this year, he said that last year he had played with hate, with a desire to prove something to everyone. This year he got back to his own game.

I can kind of relate to this. In seventh grade, after taking many years of bullying, I decided that I was going to get straight As for the rest of my academic career, not because I wanted to learn a lot but rather because I wanted to make everyone regret that they had treated such a smart person so poorly. This of course did not work. It was only when I re-found my love of learning did my grades start to go up.

It’s easy to feel like playing with hate can be productive. It can seem like it motivates you. It can make you feel like you have a purpose, right? “I’m gonna show these jerks.”

If someone shoots at your foot, you will jump. If they keep shooting at your foot, you will keep jumping. Is this the best way to start a cardio program? Probably not. With every jump, you are not striving towards anything except getting out of the way of the bullet.

Similarly, playing with hate is not really striving towards anything. Rather, you are letting the pain other people have caused you (whatever that may be) make you jump. You might move up and down and side to side, but one way you will not move is forward. You are letting external powers control you, and here’s the really sad thing – even if you reach your first set of goals, you will not get the fulfillment you are expecting. Why? You are not doing these things for yourself. You are doing these things to try to silence others. And they will not be moved.

Paradoxically, the single best way to “get back” at people is to just stay on your own path. People get frustrated when they find their cruelty or mockery cannot make an impact on you. So long as they have any sort of power over you, even if you feel you’re using it for good, they are winning the war.

Just ask King James. He stopped playing with hate this year and he finally got his ring. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Do you?

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