Musings

Last year around this time, I read the story of Lamar Hawkins III. He was a middle school student who according to his mother was an easy target for bullying because of his “stunted growth.” He was bullied so relentlessly that they moved to an entirely different state, but the cruelty continued.

A couple of months before that, another very young man, Jonathon Short-Scaff, committed suicide for the same reason. Relentless bullying targeted at his short stature made him feel so helpless and powerless that he ended up taking his own life.

More recently, Bill Klein, whom you may know from the show The Little Couple, admitted that he has faced depression and thoughts of suicide because he was bullied so badly.

It feels like Little People are unprotected targets, especially when surrounded by other kids who are desperate to look “cool” and “normal.”

The Nomenclature

What is a Little Person? Little People of America posts this definition to their website:

Little People of America (LPA) defines dwarfism as a medical or genetic condition that usually results in an adult height of 4’10” or shorter, among both men and women, although in some cases a person with a dwarfing condition may be slightly taller than that.The average height of an adult with dwarfism is 4’0, but typical heights range from 2’8 to 4’8.

The most common type of dwarfism is called achondroplasia. Some famous people you may have heard of who have or had this kind of dwarfism are Billy Barty, Gary Coleman, Warwick Davis, and Peter Dinklage.

I do not have achondroplasia, but at 4’5, I am what they call a proportionate dwarf. Many people think that it’s ok to call me (and really any Little Person) “midget.” In fact, most people are unaware that this term is highly offensive. Why is it offensive? “Midgets” are often featured in freak shows. That is how various people of short stature are promoted. I’ll let you take it from there.

Why is awareness important?

It seems like every day and certainly every month we are encouraged to mark something new. We have National Pie Day, National Coffee Day…it’s getting kind of ridiculous. Unfortunately, that means some truly legitimate causes that need attention are going to get lost in the shuffle. Still, you might be wondering why there needs to be a Dwarfism Awareness Month. Take a gander at this video from Jon Novick. I’ll wait here for ya.

I’ve had a lot of experiences like this in my own life. I have heard people yelling, “Hey Midget, Hey Midget” as I walked down the street. I have heard kids asking their parents as I stand in line, “Why is she so short?” I have walked by people and have seen them stare.

Big Deal (No Pun Intended)

OK, but everybody gets picked on for something. People who are overweight get bullied. Super tall people get bullied. Why do we need this awareness crap about Little People?

There are a few reasons why I think this is important.

First, people are killing themselves because they are getting bullied over their height. This seems to be more common in boys, but I do not have specific numbers.

Second, people do not seem to know that making fun of Little People, asking rude questions, or otherwise bullying Little People is wrong. There is something inherently funny, for some reason, in picking on Little People. Maybe society in general does not find us threatening so it’s sort of cathartic. I don’t know. But the number of people who are unaware of how offensive some of their comments are is alarming to me.

Third, parents do not seem to know how to educate their children that staring or asking rude questions is wrong. Often, when a child asks, “Why is she so little?” the parent will say something like, “I don’t know honey.” Very seldom does the parent try to hush the child and indicate that saying such things loudly is rude.

Fourth, and based on the most recent factor, Direct TV recently ran an ad on television featuring Randy Moss. The commercial featured a “petite” Randy Moss who just had cable, and at the end of the commercial Randy Moss says, “Don’t be like that Randy Moss,” as they show the “petite” version trying to reach something on a high grocery shelf. The fact that people would a) think this ad is acceptable and b) run it with no qualms is highly disturbing to me. You can read more about that here.

I want people to get educated. I don’t want to hear about any more children taking their lives because parents aren’t teaching kids that making fun of short people and/or Little People is simply wrong.

October is Dwarfism Awareness Month. Please learn a bit more about Little People, and consider if you have ever behaved in a way that might have made someone feel truly small. If you have questions, please ask me. Let’s make this an opportunity to learn.

Image via https://lpa.memberclicks.net/dwarfism-awareness-month

 

 

This is a post I would have hoped I would not have to write. Unfortunately, it seems that insensitivity still rules the roost.

If you watch much TV you have probably seen the series of Direct TV ads that feature athletes talking about all of the games they can access with Direct TV. The lesser version of these athletes as presented in the ads just has cable. There is also a version of the ad for regular Direct TV versus cable that features Rob Lowe. Today, however, while already being offended by how putrid my Cleveland Browns were playing, I saw this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnUsScXXBAc

There are two primary issues I have with this ad. The lesser of the two issues is towards the end when “petite Randy Moss” is shown trying to reach something on a top shelf at a grocery store. This may seem funny to some folks, but as a person who has to scale the shelves for pretty much everything I want, I can tell you it is certainly not funny to me. It’s probably also not funny for people who are shorter than me, as many people with achondroplasia are. People in wheelchairs probably don’t find it funny either.

The greater concern I have, however, is the overriding sentiment of the ad. It presents the message that a “petite” version of a person is lesser than a regular-sized person or a tall person like the real Randy Moss. Super-imposing “Don’t be like this me” as they show the petite Randy Moss trying to reach something on the shelf sends the distinct message that little people are a) laughable b) inferior c) something you don’t want to be.

I do not share these concerns on my own behalf. My ultimate worry is for young people who are probably dealing with bullying at school already, just like I did. They may be dealing with self-confidence and self-image issues, just like I did. For boys especially, this ad says that it’s ok to make fun of short people, not to mention Little People, because a celebrity is participating in the joke.

That is what makes this ad unforgivable to me.

It’s easy to make fun of Little People for some reason. Somehow it does not occur to people that dwarf jokes and things like this ad are actually really offensive to people who just might be, well, little. This ad is not ok. It is insensitive, inappropriate, gratuitously foolish, and potentially harmful.

Please join me in asking Direct TV to take this commercial off the air and to apologize for the insensitivity they have shown. Imagine if another minority was portrayed as lesser in such a brazen fashion. The outcry would be palpable. This is not, or should not, be an exception.

There were a lot of reviews of Sonia Friedman’s Hamlet production floating around in the month or so preceding the moment when I would get to see it for myself. I did my best to avoid them. It’s not that I didn’t know how the play ended (spoilers – most of the characters die). It’s that I didn’t want my experience to in any way be biased one way or the other. I like to experience books, plays, movies, and music through my own personal filter, then see if I agree with other folks. Even despite my efforts to avoid the reviews, however, it was hard to avoid the sense that the production was getting dissed a little. Well, I guess that’s what happens when friends and family email you all of the reviews as they get published.

From what I gathered, there was a huge outcry because Friedman’s production actually began, initially, with the famous “to be or not to be” speech. Some Shakespearean purists of course felt this was sacrilege. There were other complaints as well, and from what I could gather they were all along the same lines. “But Shakespeare didn’t do it that way!” Well, Shakespeare also used men to play female roles. Sometimes purity can evolve into close-mindedness if you’re not careful.

Hamlet has always been one of my favorite Shakespeare plays. I have read or watched renditions of it over the course of my adult life, and each time I experience it I gather something new from it. I suppose this is not revolutionary where Shakespeare is concerned. He’s kind of a big deal, and for good reason. But I have to say that Sonia Friedman’s Hamlet, which I was privileged to attend at London’s Barbican Theater, drove home for me more than any other experience how alone Hamlet’s character truly is. Somehow I was able to see how much of a puppet Ophelia was made to be and why Hamlet had to try to distance himself even from her.

The Cumberbatch Factor

OK, the elephant in the room. Anyone who knows me knows that a large part of the appeal for me in seeing this play was the fact that I would be in the same building, nay the same room, as Benedict Cumberbatch, a man whom I much admire. Truth be known, I figured I would really just be focused on not acting like a teenaged girl during the production (I’m at the age where acting that way is getting increasingly unattractive and unforgivable). If Cumberbatch announced he was going to be reading a phonebook on a stage, I would probably try to go.

But, and this is a big but, his performance as Hamlet was good enough that for most of my time there, I was not enmeshed in the idol worship that I thought would be preeminent in my mind. His interactions with Sian Brooks (Ophelia), Leo Bill (Horatio), Jim Norton (Polonius), Anastasia Hille (Gertrude) and Ciarán Hinds (Claudius) were genuine, engaging, and they all felt real. Indeed, despite all of the attention I’m sure he felt on him, Cumberbatch was able to disappear into the play and into his character. No one could have been more surprised than me that I forgot at times who I was watching on the stage.

Oh, it’s not serious enough!

I suppose a lot of people have rolled their eyes at some of Friedman’s reimagined parts. A lot of people have talked about the clothing. Hamlet goes around in a hoodie for awhile, for example, and Horatio looks like he could have just stepped off the tube. There are scenes where Hamlet does quite silly things which were of course not specifically delineated by Shakespeare, and apparently some people have felt that these parts that stray away from the original perhaps do not show enough respect or are too modern.

The clothing was an interesting player in itself, it’s true. Some characters were in traditional garb while others were not. For me, I did not find it particularly distracting, but upon pondering it, I think it accentuates the timelessness of the story. Sure, not everyone is a prince of Denmark, but many of us have been in situations where we feel like we are crazy because no one seems to notice that which is rank and wrong. Many of the themes of the play are as relevant today as they were 500 years ago. Bringing the characters into the 21st century did not pose a problem for me.

As for the silly parts, sure, some of them may seem over the top to a high-browed scholar, but then these parts of the play also offered a welcome relief from the true feelings of pain and torture that predominated. It was pleasant to be able to chuckle at the exchanges between Hamlet and Polonius, which were played so well. Seeing Hamlet dress up as a toy soldier was unexpected, but Cumberbatch again pulled it off so that you truly felt like you were watching someone who had gone mad.

In short, I greatly enjoyed the production for itself, not just because an actor I admire was in the starring role. It is a testament to all of the players that the production can step over all of the modern day fanfare and draw the audience into Shakespeare’s world. If you happen to be in London between now and the end of October, I highly advise you to check out the play and let me know your review of it.

Recently a friend of mine posted a meme to Facebook. It said something along the lines of, “I might get angry at you but I will never abandon you.” It stung.

See, I used to be the one who shared that stuff. I’ve had a lot of people close to me die suddenly and unexpectedly, so to me cutting people off seemed too risky. After all, when you cut someone off, often you have the hope that things will get right again. But you never can know for sure. What if you lose that person without reconciling? I could not understand people who said things like, “One and you’re done” or “If you don’t treat me right you’re gone.” It always seemed so cold and unfeeling.

That awkward moment when life kicks your butt

As is so often the case, when you walk around with a solid idea in your head, life finds a way to make you reconsider. Such is the case for me. Life gave me a couple of people whom I had to cut off because my dynamics with them were just not healthy. I knew, and still know, that cutting them out of my life was the right thing to do.

That meme though, and that word abandonment, stings. The fact is, society stifles our desire to put ourselves first. If you escape out of a bad situation, you are abandoning the other person, or you are giving up. Sure, people might not know the whole story. They might not know that she lies to you so much your head spins. They might not know that he has you walking on eggshells day in and day out. You left that person alone. You abandoned them. You’re the bad guy.

That magic color grey

Like so many things, knowing when to leave a bad relationship or friendship is not a matter of following rules 1-7. Every situation is different. I can’t tell you if, in your situation, you should cut and run or try to stick it out. But the point is nobody can tell you such things. It is very difficult not to internalize the guilt that society asks us to have. Even though our heads know that we are doing the smart thing, putting ourselves first, and getting out of a very bad situation, our hearts may still tell us that if we wait it out a bit longer, things will get better. Maybe if we try a little harder, it’ll get easier. Sometimes that may be true. It is amazing how things like stress and fatigue can color everything and make it look worse than it is.

But sometimes those guilty feelings are symptoms of the bad dynamic we’re in. You have to dig deep inside yourself and decide if you are truly being unfair or if you are being manipulated. Defer to people close to you. If you feel that something is not right, usually there is a good reason you feel that way.

Guilt no more

My fear is that people who are in abusive situations may succumb to that guilty “I’m abandoning them” feeling. It can be a no-win proposition. I think society punishes people who stay in abusive relationships by showing a lack of compassion (You must not have felt it was that bad), but then society also exerts high pressure on men and women who decide to leave, particularly, their spouses. “How could you do that?” they ask. That word “abandonment” gets tossed around.

Ultimately, nobody knows your situation and how you feel better than you. It sucks to have to cut people out of your life, especially because that seldom means your care for them just randomly stops. But if you feel like your life is being impacted negatively, or if you have kids who you feel are being impacted negatively, you need to overcome those worries that you are abandoning your partner. Remember instead that you are rescuing yourself. You are worth it. Don’t worry about what anybody else says. It is not your job to explain yourself or rationalize for others. If you are in trouble, survival dictates you try to get yourself out.

I think we need to change the way that we talk about some of these issues. We need to be more forthright about the fact that not all relationships are the same. Sometimes you need to try to hang in there and sometimes you just need to go. If you don’t know where you are seek help from either friends and family or professionals. Just remember, you are worth prioritizing. You are worth saving. By a long shot.

Image Credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/paulchapmanphotos/16212174006/ via Creative Commons

 

I have been a “fixer” for as long as I can remember. I first became conscious of this during the Live Aid concert, which aired when I was a little kid. I didn’t understand a lot, of course, but the images of those starving Ethiopian children sure struck me hard. The fact that these musicians were raising money to help those kids made me wonder what I could do to help them. I didn’t really act on this sentiment, though, until 2003. In the wake of 9/11 and all of the horrible news coming out of Iraq, I wanted to create something tangibly good in the world. I co-founded Homespun Helpers with a friend of mine.

The idea behind this online only group (Livejournal was the platform we started with) was pretty simple. Instead of just working by yourself to donate items to one cause or another, we wanted to tally the work of a whole bunch of people, with the goal of all of us contributing to make and donate 3,000 items in a year. After a brief hiatus of a couple years or so, I brought Homespun Helpers back to Facebook.

My dream has always been that Homespun Helpers would get enough notoriety so that if an organization needed homemade items, they would reach out to our network and we would be able to help where we are most needed. We are not to that point yet, but I still have hope that we will get there. In the meantime, we try to fill gaps as best we can.

The first really big gap we tried to fill came after the Boston Marathon bombings. There was so much fear and hatred in the air after that. Do you remember that? I posed the question to the group. Can we make something that would be given to the victims’ families, victims themselves, and the caregivers at the Boston hospitals where the victims were taken? From that question, Blankies for Boston was born. It has since branched out into another group. Within a day or so, we had 100 items on the new page. Currently there are 933 “fans” on that page. I am proud to have been a part of such a great effort.

It was that experience that inspired me to fill another gap more recently. When I heard about the shootings at Mother Emanuel AME Church in Charleston, South Carolina, my heart sank just as it did after the Boston shootings. The Marathon is certainly sacred to some people, but churches are known as safe spots. What could be more innocent than a prayer meeting?

The Boston Marathon bombings killed 3 people. The shooter in Charleston killed nine people. I figured if I could get an effort started there would be an even greater reaction than the one we got after the Boston tragedy.

It’s almost exactly two months later, and there are currently 69 “fans” of the page. For these efforts to work, it is not about one person trying to make 1,000 items. It’s about 1,000 people trying to make five items.

I do not want to imply that I do not appreciate the 68 people who joined the page to support the effort. The people who have made items (we’re at 13 so far) will forever hold my gratitude. But one person can only do so much. The hope was that we would be able to show solidarity in the face of race hatred. The hope was that we would be able to shower the congregation of that church with what I like to call “tangible love” – afghans, prayer shawls, and other hand-crafted items.

Some have suggested the name for the new effort (Love for the Lowcountry) isn’t as catchy as Blankies for Boston. Some have suggested that people have their own charities they are crafting for and those take the priority.

That could be so. To me, however, the silence is deafening, and I can only come to the conclusion that people were not as hurt, not as outraged, after the Charleston event as they were after the Boston event. Boston maybe was easier to get behind. A Muslim guy killing mostly white people is something we can all rail against. The Charleston shooting and the church fires that happened afterward, against a backdrop of cases like Trayvon Martin and Sandra Bland, perhaps make people face questions they do not want to ask. Crafting things for Black Americans who once again fell victim to race hatred may be too uncomfortable. If we craft for those victims, we have to acknowledge that they died, how they died, and why they died. Maybe that is too much for people to swallow.

I would love to hear other explanations as to why the need to heal was not as great after Charleston. You will have a hard time convincing me that racism – subtle and savage – was not at the heart of this mostly failed effort. I am heartbroken, to be honest, to see how few people were looking for a way to comfort that Charleston community. If they had been looking, they’d have found us.

Until we acknowledge racism in our country, we cannot kill it.

 

One of the great things about my friendship with Kaarina Dillabough is that we are not the types of friends who talk about what we did yesterday and which is better given the choice of chicken salad or tuna salad. No, we skip right past the “Hi how are ya” and delve into trivial things like how the universe got started and what is the difference between a friendship and an acquaintance. No small talk for us!

Recently we had a conversation about books, which seems simple enough. I was debating whether or not to invest time in reading a book that I thought would be good even though it was by an author whom I do not admire. Kaarina said I could always start reading and if I don’t like it, I could just close the book and move on.

“Oh no, not me,” I said. “I always keep reading to the end. I always think the book will get better.”

Then I realized my approach to books is exactly the same as my approach to people, or at least the same as my approach has been for years upon years. I tend to find myself in bad situations with people, and friends and family warn me that I am in a bad situation, but for some reason I keep sticking it out. I keep thinking the relationship will get better. I keep believing the person will change.

I’ll never know if Kaarina led me to this realization on purpose or not, but my bet is she probably did. She’s smart like that. She said that life is too short to spend time immersed in a book you aren’t enjoying. Similarly, life is too short to stay immersed in a relationship that is bad for you. Closing the book does not mean you have to burn the book. Leaving the relationship does not mean you have to hate the person. It can be as simple as pressing the covers together and saying, “This just isn’t for me.”

The author of the book, if you know him or her, may press you. “Why don’t you like it?” They may ask. A person whom you decide to exit from may also ask questions. They may not see how they are a bad match for you. You can be as blunt or as gentle as you wish. Normally getting into a conversation like that will only result in hurt on both sides, however. Sometimes it is better just to quietly slip the book on its shelf. Sometimes it is better just to quietly drift away over a period of time. It is not necessarily the kind of “instant gratification” closure for which we all lust, but it can be enough.

Do you have trouble closing books?

Image Credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/akgypsy37/16483954655/ via Creative Commons