Musings

A lot of people kind of laugh uncomfortably when a woman says that she is being discriminated against. We all like to think that we are beyond such things, and often times it is the person who is being victimized by discrimination that ends up being treated like the aggressor.

So, I thought I would give you a little inkling about some real-life sexism I’m experiencing in my life – not at the work place, but as part of my at-home life. I hope that this explains, in a perhaps humorous way, why some women still insist that the glass ceiling hasn’t shattered just yet.

It Started With A Swarm Of Bees

Once upon a time, I moved into an apartment complex. Everything was terrific for the first several months. No complaints, really, that added up to anything significant. I was quite content. Until my first Spring in the apartment. I had come down with my annual bout with the flu and had finally made it through a full day of work. I got home, thinking that I would crash on my bed and potentially not get up for 12 hours. Before lying down, I noticed a lot of bee silhouettes behind the blinds on my window. I also suddenly noticed a low buzzing sound. And then I realized that there was a swarm of bees  on both of my windows. Inside my bedroom.

Have you ever had a “back out of the room slowly” kind of moment? This was mine.

I called the emergency maintenance number and explained the situation. “Yeah yeah yeah,” the fellow said. “I’ll be right over.”

I waited. And waited. I called again. This time he was pretty annoyed. But he came over. I pointed him in the direction of the room in question. He stepped in, said “Hoh SH**,” and slammed the door closed. I said, “Yeah…not just one bee, right?” I thought I had proven myself to be a pretty reliable resident who wouldn’t just call maintenance for fun.

Then The Mice Came

The bees were all killed and swept up, and I resumed my normal existence until the following Spring. I woke up one morning, and in the process of getting ready for work, I noticed that some of my Cadbury coated mini eggs (soo yummy) were on the floor, which was weird. I looked on my dining room table, and the bag had tiny, scissor-like marks all around it. There were a couple of other eggs strewn about as well.

Now, I’m not the brightest bulb there is in the mornings before I get my coffee, so I admit, my first thought was that a murderous villain had broken in, gnawed on my bag of chocolate, and then cruelly had thrown a bunch of the eggs around. Barring that, I realized it was probably a rodent problem. So I called the maintenance staff. They said there had never been a mouse problem. I convinced them to come. When I got home, there was a note on my door. “No mouse.”

Having been through the bee experience, I was a little dismayed that I was being accused of not knowing a rodent problem. But I kept my cool.

Then the clanging inside my pots and pans drawer started. The note on my door the next day said, “no mouse.” Finally, after about 2 more days, I got a note that said, “caught mouse.” It had been in a trap, and that is what I had heard clanging.

Surely, this had convinced these guys once and for all that I was not an idiot.

The Day The Ice Cream Died

After feeling like I had lived through the plagues of Exodus, things settled down pretty well. I ran into the maintenance guys here and there, no problem. They’re nice enough. Then, a few months ago, I noticed that my freezer didn’t seem to be particularly cold. My ice cream kept melting faster and faster. I called the guys in, they looked around, and they put a new fridge in. I went to the store and got some freezer type foods. As that night commenced, I was torn between the drama of my freezer and the drama of The Blind Side. I kept lifting up my ice cream to see how well the freezer was working – the ice cream was completely melted. I called the maintenance folks. “Oh, it takes about 12 hours for the freezer to get cold.” “Um, ok…” I said. They didn’t believe  that the things I had purchased were now mush.

Finally, I got the fella to come back. I said, “I had to throw all of my frozen foods away. I went to throw away the ice cream and it spilled all over because it was melted.” Even this the man did not believe. He reached his hand into the freezer and said, “Humn. It’s not very cold in there.” Only then did he agree I had a problem.

The Moral of the Story

When you look at the world through eyes that discriminate, whether based on gender, religion, race, or choice of shampoo, you are stopping up your ears. And this can happen without people realizing it. Sometimes it will show up in work situations, where two people could say the exact same thing but only one of them is given credit for saying it. This can show up in who you decide to network with. This can show up in who you trust. It can color everything you do.

Sexism is not dead. Racism is not dead. We like to comfort ourselves with the idea that these problems are history, but they are with us still. Maybe just hiding a bit more. Maybe just kicked under the bed a bit further.

Do you find that you “skim listen” to certain people? If a man tells you how to sew, do you assume he doesn’t know what he’s talking about? If a woman tells you how to succeed in business, do you find yourself looking for a man that agrees? Always make sure your eyes and ears and hands and heart are open. You never know what you might be missing. You might be missing a true story about a swarm of bees inside a bedroom, or you might be missing a helpful hint that could change your life.

1st Image by sarah peller. http://www.sxc.hu/profile/sarahpelle

2nd  Image by Pavel Klaus. http://www.sxc.hu/profile/Pajcus

I am one of those people who likes routines. I am okay about creating new ones, but I do like to have routines. It helps me keep things in my head straight. It helps me feel productive.

I was thinking about my emerging Social Media routine the other day. I had just tweeted good night to my various buddies and friends on Twitter. I checked my Facebook account one more time. Patted my blog on the head. I realized that I felt like a farmer, making sure all of the animals are safe and sound before hitting the hay. In the morning, I wake everybody up, feed them a little with posts, maybe deal with a little manure (but not very often), and then the cycle starts again.

I thought, “What a great blog post this would be! I could take it to the point of planting seeds for the future, I could talk about how relationships are plants beginning to grow.” There’s just one problem. That post, virtually exactly what I wanted to write, had already been written. About 3 years ago. I had never seen it. I didn’t know it existed till I mentioned my idea and was brought up to speed.

We’re in the business of ideas

So, the time slot for last night’s  blogging became a little bit more complex, needless to say. I could try to put my own spin on it, but would that really be meaningful? The nugget of the idea is what I had been excited about.

This happens a LOT in the marketing world. It happens a lot in the world of Social Media. It’s not all that surprising. Without realizing it most of the time, we are all exposing ourselves to the same information, the same pools of resources, the same societal signals, right? And while it’s fun to think that great truths and great information are infinite, there’s going to be a lot of overlap. Sometimes, your innovative idea will get published as an ad, and you’ll find a competitor’s ad in the same issue with an almost identical concept. Your innovation just turned into a misery. Sometimes you get an idea for a speech or a presentation only to find that someone delivered virtually the same concept 17 years ago. Sometimes it just happens.

This should not discourage you

When I was a Girl Scout, back in the day, we took a field trip to a science center in Columbus called COSI. One of the activities we got to do was “panning for gold.” There was a little mock river, real tiny flakes of gold, and we all got little sifter pans to work with. Boy was it frustrating. It was frustrating and that was just a play thing. It was frustrating and we knew that there was good stuff to be found. Imagine being out there in the real world sifting for ideas, not knowing if your pure gold concept is going to stick in your pan or not.

Truthfully, though, there is *always* gold in your little pan, and that is what Social Media reminds me of every day.  You see, ideas are pure gold if they come from you. Because you are unique. There is not a single person in the world who is exactly like you. There is not anyone else on the planet who can say something exactly the way you would, even if the idea is the same. Was Martin Luther King discouraged because Gandhi had already thought of nonviolent protest? Nope. He added his own beautiful voice to the scrolling tale of that story. Are musicians discouraged because there are only so many chords to play? Nope. They just keep finding new ways to weave them together.

In day-to-day life, we should not be discouraged if someone answers a question first, solves a problem first, or comes up with an idea, an ad, a blog post, a chat name, or anything else before we do. Because we can still add our own spin to things that come along. By default, because it comes from us, it is unique. As long as you breathe yourself into an idea, it is all you.

Are you breathing yourself into the ideas you send out? Are you speaking with your voice? Are you acting from your heart and soul? Nobody’s done that before. Not exactly. And no one will do it after you, either. What could be more unique than that?

Today is not about people who would burn a holy book.

Today is not about people who watched the events of this day from afar.

Today is not about politics.

Today is not about which president would have done what.

Today is a day for soft voices, meditation, remembering, and love. Yes, love.

Today is a day to think with love and care of those for whom this is not just a day to remember. Today is a day to think with love and care of those people who are missing someone today, someone who was 9 years younger, someone whose life was snuffed out in a way so violent, so tragic, so unexpected, that it still cannot be believed.

In 9 years, a little girl of 11 has become a college student

A pre-teen has reached voting age (and drinking age)

A 10 year wedding anniversary is almost ready to turn 20

9 years is enough time for someone to go through high school and college and enter adulthood head on

9 years is a long time to miss someone.

Today, my heart weeps for those who must remember today with horror rather than with simple remembrance. Today, I do not think of those we lost as heroes, as numbers, or as faceless victims in countless photos shown callously here and there. Today I think of mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, wives and husbands, cousins, aunts and uncles, friends, and co-workers. People like me. People like you. And the people who miss them. I will always remember how they died. I will not forget that they lived.

Cherish everything a little more today. Hold your children close. Let the sun bathe your face. Admire the grey puffy clouds. Call a friend or a relative and relish in the fact that even if they don’t answer right away, they are there. Live life today. Life it to the fullest.

Image by Bev Lloyd-Roberts. http://www.sxc.hu/profile/BeverlyLR

I’ve never been completely mystified by celebrity. If I had been, it all would have come crashing down a few years ago. See, there was this local musician whom my family and I had been supporting since he got started. We went to some of his first concerts, which people sadly talked through, causing him to leave early. I found him on MySpace and kind of joined the community of people there. He imported lots of blog posts and I had fun commenting on them. A lot of them were thought provoking. Then, suddenly, he started getting kind of…pissy is the best word…with his fans.  So, in response to one of his posts, I made a flippant, joking remark that he was being a jerk. I didn’t think anything of it. I had said it playfully. People, including him, and said things that were a lot worse.

About a month later, I saw a new post from him titled something like, “To the person who called me a jerk.” He wrote that the person (me) should burn in hell, etc etc. Then he posted a 15-minute angry song that he and some other guys wrote in my honor (about how mean I was). The idea of celebrities in a glowing light of out-of-this-worldness was doused forever. (Eventually, his mom figured out who I was, that I had been a long-time loyal fan, and he apologized in his blog). Turns out he was a dude who was going through a hard time. Also, he could sing really well.

People are People

About a month ago, when I was perusing Twitter as I am wont to do with my morning coffee, I saw a tweet from Lisa Barone. Something that someone had tweeted at her right at the crack of dawn on a Monday. I thought that Lisa must have been exaggerating that people talked to her that way just because she didn’t reply to every single mention. Then, Lisa made a post, and the vitriol with which some people responded was hard to fathom. Literally calling her stupid, heartless, etc. I have seen this with other people who have influence in the Social Media world too. It seems like there are people out there who think that once you reach a certain number of followers or a certain point of influence, you stop your life as an actual human being. Well, guess what? Target practice is now closed as far as I’m concerned.

Breaking News: There are some truths you need to swallow

Apparently, we need to break some things down about the upper echelon of the Social Media world. It has always seemed to me like this stuff should be obvious, but maybe it needs to be framed out. Pick your people. Everyone encounters and respects different individuals.

1. These folks are folks. They have families, they have lives and even jobs beyond the realm of your computer screen. They have, many of them, squishy hearts and the capacity to endure an awful lot of poo. Don’t test that endurance by adding to the poo.

2. They may not always respond to you. I am lucky in that I have a great family of followers on Twitter right now, but the volume isn’t such that it’s hard for me to keep up with @ messages. For someone who has been around longer than me, who is more experienced than me, who has more knowledge than me, and who has amassed more followers (exponentially), the volume of mentions, retweets, and direct messages is hard to fathom. As much as it would be awesome to think that world revolves around any one of us, it just ain’t so. Be patient.

3. They are trying to make money. This is the thing that causes me the most confusion. A large majority of the people in Social Media are using the capabilities new technology affords them to make money. There are countless ways this can be done. Some people simply promote their business openly. Others offer information but supplement the free data with opportunities to pay them for their work. I read a really interesting post by Matt Shaw this evening that discusses this issue in detail. He talks about affiliate marketing in particular as it exists on blogs. As I commented over there, the fact is that the information we get from these immensely brilliant and experienced people was not available for free a decade ago. Maybe not even five years ago. If you wanted information from the experts, you had to pay for it. Now, thanks to their genuinely good hearts and improved technology, a lot of these folks are going out and posting info they used to charge for. And yet…it always seems shocking when we are reminded that this is all part of how they make their living. What’s up with that?

4. They were here first. Yes, that matters. These folks will continue to be thought leaders because of their brains, not because of their “influence” on Twitter or because of the money they make or don’t make. Where was I regarding Twitter when Julia Roy was already tweeting her heart out? “Gah, what a dumb website.”  Where was I regarding blogging when folks like Jay Baer, Chris Brogan, and Denise Wakeman were mastering the craft? “Hey, this is like mass e-mailing my friends.” When it comes to technology and Social Media stuff, these folks sniffed out gold before I knew we were looking. They probably beat you to the punch too. That’s not a cause to be bitter. That’s a cause for admiration.

5. They don’t really owe YOU anything. Some people think that the egg came before the chicken (or the other way around) and that much like the Beatles, these folks are owned by Social Media users. “My traffic got you that car.” “My link to your book got you that nice rug on your floor.” Well, guess what folks…you’re posting those links and driving traffic to that information because it is strong stuff, helpful, and because it catches fire as soon as it’s posted. That comes from these folks, not from you. Your links & posts are great, but that’s all part of THEIR plan. Not yours.

Do I sound protective?

Darned right. I am biased on this issue. I’ve had the great privilege of getting to know some of these folks, like, you know, as humans. They are great people in my experience. They are brilliant people. Their brains are intimidating, their kindness makes it bearable. It’s a great balance. The more I get involved in Social Media “stuff,” the more time I see ticking away as I blog, post to Facebook or Twitter, or try to keep up with my LinkedIn groups (plus like, that whole regular job thing) the more I respect what these folks do.

There is really no need to shoot anyone down. There’s plenty of room. If you think all of these folks are dumb, prove it using the high road. Anyone can take a swipe. Grab your cajones and do what they do. Walk their walk. Do it better. Then say, gently, I told you so. Till then, I’d ask you kindly, in the immortal words of Chris Crocker, to “Leave the leading minds aloooooone.”

1st Image Credit: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/barunpatro

2nd Image by Mark Anderson. http://www.sxc.hu/profile/4score

I am not what one would call a religious person. I don’t mean that in the kind of cynical or sarcastic way that some people say it. Like, “Oh, religion…that and horse-drawn carriages are out of style.” I just like to think about the world in all kinds of ways, and I don’t want to be tied down, I guess. But there are little tidbits that I pull from different religious beliefs, different kinds of philosophies. One of those beliefs is that our lives are all meant to teach us lessons that our souls need to know.

I have had a lot of experiences in my life that caused a great deal of introspection. Some struggle. Some doubt. I’ve been thrown into a recycling bin. I’ve been asked if I was old enough to ride the high school bus when I was a senior in high school. I’ve had health issues that have been complicated (don’t worry, I’m fine). But after a lot of scratching my head about it, there is one thing that I can tell you. Life is about appreciating every single thing that you have. If you start going down the path of lamenting what you don’t have, you’ll miss out, and you’ll drive yourself crazy.

There are miracles all around you

During a period of my life when I was going through a hard time (I was going down the path of lamenting the few things I didn’t have rather than the mass of great things I did), a friend told me that I would get to the point where I would be able to turn that thinking around and realize that actually, nothing can be taken for granted at all, and therefore, everything is special. There are no guarantees, sadly, that we will all wake up tomorrow and be fine. There is no guarantee that our friends will be happy and content. There is no guarantee that that beautiful tree in front of your house will still be standing tall and graceful. But that is not a sad thought. That is an invitation to say, “Holy smokes…I am alive right now. All of these people I care about are with me and okay. I have this. I have that. Wow.”

Sometimes a great big curtain hides the good stuff

Of course, there are times when this kind of thinking is not much solace. Sometimes things happen to us or to people we care about and well, the fact that a tree is still standing just doesn’t cut the mustard. For them or for us. When that happens, something great can still happen. We can open the curtains, even just a little, and let some light in for that person. It might not cheer them up. It might not fix things. Then again, sometimes we have the chance to do both.

A story about a guy and a chance

A few weeks ago, I was hanging on Twitter (surprise surprise) when Justin Levy, a fellow I respect a great deal, posted a call for help. He linked to a Facebook page called “Help Bring Noor and Ramsay Home.” “Well what is this?” I asked. So I started reading.

As it turns out, the page (which you should find on Facebook and like) tells the story of a man named Colin Bower, a guy who works with Justin and other folks at New Marketing Labs. Colin has 2 beautiful kids, Noor and Ramsay. The problem is that his ex-wife kidnapped those 2 kids a year ago and took them to Egypt. Colin hasn’t been able to see them since.

Can you imagine the day-to-day strain, not to mention all of the other emotions that must often fight to get in the way of productivity? I can’t. A year of that…that’s hard to imagine indeed. So, many of Colin’s friends, along with Colin himself, are asking for help in tackling this problem (and if you want to show a little love and support along the way, that’s probably just fine).

Go over here where Chris Brogan lists 3 simple steps you can take to help. Talk to journalists you know. Tweet madly at people on Twitter.  Make #NoorRamsay a trending topic. Why? Because if it works, you would have actually helped to make a miracle for someone else.

TutusforTanner

A lot of you probably at least saw the huge fundraising effort that Scott Stratten (aka @UnMarketing) spearheaded a few weeks ago. There was some talk afterwards about whether “Social Media Experts” were giving Social Media too much credit. Having seen all of the tweets, passion and love involved in that campaign, those kinds of comments rub me the wrong way, plus they’re just dumb. But they do make me want to prove that lightning can strike twice. The fundraising that happened for Tanner exceeded all hopes and expectations. In Mr. Bower’s case, there’s just one goal. No need to exceed it. We just need to help him get his kids back. And that’s it.

Are you ready for a miracle? You don’t have to sit there and wait for it. You can participate in making it happen. You can bring back to one person’s life a piece of his life that is missing – a piece many of us would probably take for granted. A piece that many of us probably do not appreciate enough.

Are you ready for a miracle? Ready as I can be.

Have you ever heard the saying, “One man’s blessing is another man’s curse?” Boy, you sure do experience that on a daily basis in the world of Social Media. I was reading a post that Beth Harte and Geoff Livingston wrote called The meme to end all memes (check it out) and it really made me realize that some of the stuff people complain about online is kind of, well, funny. Now, I am taking a risk by writing this post, of course. If I ever make serious gripes about these things, you’ll be able to throw this post in my face (if you remember I made it). However, I am so certain that these are problems I would LOVE to have that I’m going to motor on ahead.

1. I have so many people following me that I just can’t keep track. Okay, now, I know that there is some level of annoyance there, but in the time it takes to post something like that, you could easily wipe out at least 27 spam bots. It can become like a video game. Remember the old game “Bonk”, where little heads would pop up at a faster and faster pace and you’d have to try to hammer them down?

2. So many people ask me questions, it’s like, I can’t ask myself deep questions now. Personally, I love answering questions. I wanted to be a reference librarian for a really long time. So here’s my deal. Any questions you don’t feel like answering, you send on over to me. I’ll charge $5 for every question I answer on your behalf. Being a Liberal Arts major, I can and will answer any question. It might not be the right answer, but it will satiate the person’s desire to be heard.

3. I have to sign copies of my book so much my hand hurts. I haven’t *really* seen this one, but I bet people say it. I charge only $3 to fake your autograph for people.

4. Why do people not tweet exactly like I do? I’m perpetually amazed at people who nitpick about how other people tweet. I have some filing to do. It will distract you. I promise.

5. It’s so hard to get working today in my cozy pajamas. I just really want to beat these people up sometimes. I’ll be honest. And that’s coming from a Pacifist. I can’t even squish an ant, but I want to beat these people up. Get up at 5:30 and be scraping ice off your car by 6:30 so you can get to your office early. Fully clothed.

6. I get so many books to review, it’s like, totally dude. I would imagine, on the one hand, that this could be a lot of pressure. You have to read books that people give you and review them, and people care what you think. Wait, what’s the problem?

7. I was going to work more but my spouse made a great dinner, so I have to go. No, I kind of want to beat these people up too. Again…Pacifist. Quakers in family history.

8. I achieved all of my dreams and it’s like, what do I have to look forward to now? Retirement? Living? Not tweeting in my stream anymore? Lots of stuff ahead of you. For real.

9. I am in so much demand. *sigh* I want to say something right here. If I ever get frowny because people want my charismatic, knowledgeable little self all the time, which is what one would assume I would have been working for in order to get there, you can write a blog post about how much I have let you down.

10. I am too nice for my own good. Clearly, based on this post, I won’t have to worry about that for quite awhile.

Of course, there are downsides to everything. I’m not debating that. But really look at the stuff you complain about. Are you sure you’re looking at it the way you would have looked at it 5 years ago? Ten years ago? Nothing is perfect. Nothing ends up exactly as we want it, maybe. But a lot of things in life are really good and we end up missing them because somewhere along the way, being angstful became trendy. I think it had to do with Seattle and flannel shirts.

Be happy about what you have right now. Take a break from lamentation. The glass is more full than you might think.