Musings

Back in 2010, I think, I decided that I was done with Facebook. OK, this wasn’t the first time I had come to that conclusion and it would not be the last. In this particular case, I decided I would go back to where my online experience had started, which was the blogging platform called Livejournal. There was a lot I was not liking about Facebook. I did not like how easy it was for me (and others) to post banal, meaningless details about our lives. Livejournal gave me an opportunity to noodle a thought, write it out, and then get more than a “thumbs up” when I was done, if anyone was in the mood to react at all. On Livejournal I was connected to people I had known in my college years, primarily. Facebook was full of people i had met online, and I was becoming confused about our relationships. Were we friends? Facebook said so. I didn’t feel like dealing with the moral dilemma, I guess.

Shortly after deciding that Facebook and I were history, a big thunderstorm rolled into my neighborhood. I did not take this as a sign from above that I had made a mistake, but I did notice that my immediate impulse was to post to Facebook. “It’s thunderstorming! I love thunderstorms!” What was that all about? Who cares that it’s thunderstorming? In fact, more to the point, who cares that I love thunderstorms? What was this new instinct all about? Something happened, I must report it to people I may not know at all.

Of course, I returned to Facebook after some short amount of time, and I have never really returned to my old friend Livejournal. My Facebook world is a hybrid of communities that represent a “This is your life” amalgam for me now. There are people on Facebook with whom I went to nursery school. There are high school friends, college, friends, grad school friends, work friends, and people I have met over my years “doing” social media for my family’s full-service marketing firm. Indeed, if you traced my connections chronologically you’d have a good start on the story of my life. But this does not explain the urge I experience to report on random things throughout the day. “It’s snowing.” “It’s warm.” “It’s cold.” Of course my statements are not so simplistic, but in the grand scheme of things, that is about the level of significance many of my Facebook updates carry with them.

This is not a self-condemnation. I am of course not the only one who posts things to Facebook that reflect the everyday grind of life. People post pictures of what they are eating. I’ve seen people post pictures of an empty plate, noting that what had once resided on that plate was really tasty. They ate it all. Do I need to know these things? I don’t know what my parents eat for dinner most of the time, nor do I really care. Same for the rest of my family, unless they are eating something I’m really jealous of. Yet every day I comment on pictures of peoples’ food, pictures of peoples’ new shoes, peoples’ observations about airports and grocery stores. Why do we post these things?

I pose this question rhetorically. I don’t have an answer. For me I would say it has become a habit over the years. You might even sy it has become an addiction. Through these tiny humdrum updates I have built real friendships, so each little one can’t be a waste of time. Sometimes posting something seemingly unimportant touches another person in an unexpected way and you learn something about them they may not even have thought about. I like the unpredictability of those kinds of interactions.

I think there is more to the story though. I am often puzzled as to why people post pictures of their food to Facebook while they are out with their spouse to celebrate an anniversary. Why do people post pictures of themselves snuggling with their children? Shouldn’t the focus be exclusively on the spouse, exclusively on the child? Why do people who say they are content with their lives spend hours every day staring at a computer or phone screen, typing to people who are not there. Typing to people who may even be on the other side of the world?

I am reading an amazing book by Sherry Turkle called Alone Together. Right now she is exploring how humans interact with robots that are intended to mimic facets of human nature. Turkle notes again and again that when humans engage with Artificial Intelligence, the human mind changes in a very short period of time. The robot evolves from “a machine” to something the human wants to earn affection from. The robot is anthropormorphised. It is given a name, it is attributed feelings like caring, likes, and dislikes. The human has something missing, and suddenly there is something that can fill that hole, whatever it may be. A child who feels it does not get enough attention can suddenly receive undivided attention from these robots. A person who feels unimportant can become proud if they teach a robot a new word or action.

Is this why we interact online the way we do? Perhaps I post that I like thunderstorms because I want to share that joy with other people. Perhaps people share pictures of them with their children because they feel a need to prove that they spend enough time with their children. Perhaps people post pictures of new purchases or great meals because they want to prove that their lives are really good. Who are they proving that to, however? To others? Or are we all looking for a pat on the back from people, some nod of encouragement saying that even with the craziness in this world, we’re doing ok?

There’s been a lot of talk lately about how coaches, teachers, and parents are raising kids with an “everybody’s a winner” mentality. I remember when this surfaced during my childhood. My brother participated in a competitive event called Odyssey of the Mind. He and the other kids on his team worked for weeks, really hard, on what they were going to do. All of the other competitors worked really hard too. At the end of the day, it was announced that there were no winners because everyone who had participated was a winner. I seem to remember a distinct groan from everyone who was there. Or consider the quote from the Pixar movie The Incredibles. “If everyone is special, no one is.” If we’re all winners and all special, we are like everybody else. There is nothing remarkable about us. Maybe we need our online interactions to accentuate what makes us unique.

Why do we post the things we do? It is a hard thing to think about. It’s like that childhood moment when suddenly you realize you’re too old to play “house.” The dolls aren’t real, you’re not really a mom or dad, and anyway, real life may not be so great as to want to play it out more than you have to. Pulling back the curtain of why we post the things we do can make us ponder things about ourselves we don’t really want to think about. Flaws. Bad feelings. Things we know we need to work on but don’t really want to. Are you willing to take the journey?

First Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/openpad/3718789722/sizes/s/in/photostream/ via Creative Commons

Second Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/22261474@N08/8272939201/ via Creative Commons

About a year ago, Olivier Blanchard wrote a post called Social Media 1918. It’s an amazing post (obviously, if it is still on my mind a year later), but upon reading it I became reacquainted with a sad fact. Whereas Olivier can easily trace his lineage back along some of the “stuff” his ancestors carried around, I am not so lucky. Geoff Livingston’s recent (equally amazing) post, called Antisemitism in the United States, again stamped a single fact into my head. Although Geoff’s family history is sad, he knows it and it impacts how he views the world. I don’t really know my family’s story. I don’t know about the triumphs and pain that resulted in well, me.

I wonder if this lack of connection with my roots is in part because most branches of my family haven’t been in the US for very long. On my mom’s side, I have a great-grandfather from Switzerland and a great-great grandmother from Ireland. My dad’s side of the family has only been here a short time. My great-grandparents were all born in Russia.

I am left with tantalizing tidbits that don’t make sense. I know that my grandfather fought in WWII because I have a picture of him in uniform with his parents, but I have no idea what branch he fought in, where he went, or what he did. I know that two of my great-grandparents came from Odessa, Russia, and the other two came from Berditchev. Why did they leave? Did they suffer from pogram-related violence? Did we lose family members due to anti-semitism? Or maybe they just saw the tide was turning.

Why did both sets of my great-grandparents change their names immediately upon arriving here in the US? The Kupcinets became Claymans. Why? The Bendisheets changed their surname to Bendis. Did my great-grandparents know family who were here already who had adopted those names? How do you get “Clayman” from “Kupcinet” anyway?

I do have pictures in some case, but this leads to only more mystery. Take this picture, for example:

The woman on the left is my great-grandmother, Lena Bendis. The woman in the middle is my grandmother. Who is the woman on the right though? I have no idea. One would assume it might be my great-great grandmother, but I don’t know. I find this heart-breaking.

Or consider this picture:

The baby in this picture is my great-grandfather Alfred Fuhrur, who was from Switzerland. I don’t know, off the top of my head, what his parents’ names were. I don’t really know his siblings’ names, either. I don’t know what made them come to the US from Switzerland. I don’t know why we have cousins from that side of the family who spoke French (my grandmother was fluent enough to write letters in French) yet the surname is German. I don’t know why my great-grandfather returned to Switzerland and then came back to Pennsylvania.

I don’t know why my great-great grandmother left Ireland all by herself as a young girl. Did she leave any relatives behind or was she the last remaining member of her family?

There are branches of my family who have been here in the US for a long time, but I still only have tidbits. We allegedly had people on the Mayflower. One of my ancestors apparently knew George Washington. In the Civil War, our Tennessee branch of the family was torn apart, but I don’t know any of the names of the players.

Maybe they were the sons of this woman, whose name was apparently Sophronia Potter:

I have an ancestor with the improbable name of King David Russell. My great-great grandparents were known as Old Pap and Mammy Sally, and I think it was Mammy Sally who had Cherokee blood. How does that root travel through the soil of my past? I have no idea.

I wonder if a lot of Americans have this kind of experience. A recipe here, a photo there, some doodads over there, but nothing solid. No real stories, because everything was left behind, and it was too painful to talk about what had been lost.

Do you know your family’s story? How far can you go back? Do we need to emphasize our ancestry more? Is this a cultural thing?

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Image credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/papaleo/2543814431/ via Creative Commons

If you have been around me much, you know that I’ve been very pensive regarding this whole social media…thing. There is of course the business side. I’m a marketer – I can’t help but ponder the impact that social media is having and will have on the business world. But there is also the personal arena. Why do I post the things that I post? Do I post too much? Do I use the word “friend” too loosely? Are people really presenting themselves as they really are?

Last week these thoughts became even more insistent on grasping my brain. On Hecklers’ Hangout (a Google Plus/Twitter/Youtube show I co-host with Brian Vickery) we welcomed as our guest Ellen Bremen, a professor of Communication over in Seattle. The topic of our hangout was based around an experiment Ellen has been doing with her students. She makes them take a 3-day “social media fast,” meaning no social media or texting. The students then need to write papers based on that experience. One student’s paper really has been haunting me. The student noted that after the experiment, they are feeling isolated. They weren’t able to get in touch with their friends as easily, and they found that getting together with their friends in person was a very different experience from talking to them online. There didn’t seem to be as much of a connection. They felt, in a way, that their entire social world had been a fraud. Taking away social media had hurt, not helped them.

With all of that bustling around in my head, my friend Jillian then posted to Facebook over the weekend, clearly wondering about the same sorts of things. She wrote,

You know how we deepen the connections we make in social media, first into more platforms and then into email and finally phone calls and in-person socializing? It may not take that exact path, may skip or meander around those points but generally, the goal between humans is to increase the involvement where possible.

We like to reserve Facebook for those connections that are closest, most personal and mutually rewarding, right? So perhaps if you truly want to clean up your friend list, you can look at it not only as “who hasn’t interacted with my stuff in a while” but also as “who, in my timeline, can I tell how the last year of their life has gone?”

Because YOU have to be a friend, too. Maybe your FB friends have backed off because YOU aren’t making the effort to be involved with THEM.

I pondered all of this for quite some time and posted a very long-winded response to Jillian’s questions and thoughts. Here is where I ended up.

When I say that I care about you, I mean it. While we all might not be “friends” in the traditional sense – we don’t hang, we don’t call each other on the phone, we didn’t go to school with each other, the relationships we are growing here are not devoid of meaning. When bad things happen to you I feel terrible. If anything were to happen to you that would take you out of my life, I would be devastated. Those are not two-dimensional sentiments. Those are real.

While I am certainly closer to some folks than I am to others, what we all create here is a patchwork quilt of varying levels of friendship, understanding, similar experiences, and more.

While social media can become addictive and all sorts of negative things, I think we sometimes forget that it is because of this technology that we can talk to people simultaneously in Dubai and Akron and California and Minnesota and France and England and who knows where else. For free. We met each other because of social media. For all of its foibles and weirdness, I also wouldn’t trade that for anything.

I wish I lived close to everybody I engage with regularly online. I wish it was easier to make time to make the phonecalls and go out for the coffees that help friendships grow when they’re meant to. We are in a new era and these things are perhaps harder than they used to be. Distance, real life distance, works against us. But all the more reason to cherish the fact that we can talk to each other every day, and if we work at it, the time for those phonecalls and coffees will come around. Life is funny that way. As my man Lincoln said, we can lament that the rose bush has thorns or we can glorify the fact that the thorns have roses.

I also happen to know, from personal experience, that friendships created online can deepen at the drop of a hat. There has been many a time when I have noticed someone seems down. I have decided, based on our growing friendship, to drop them a private message to check in on them, and often the trust is there. We begin to share there, and from that point on moving to in-person meetings or skype chats or whatever the next level might be is far more meaningful. If any online relationship has the potential to become a more meaningful, traditional type of friendship, should we not cherish those relationships just as much, even if we have perhaps never been in the same exact location together “in real life”?

What do you think about all of this? How do you define the “friends” you have on Facebook? What do you think of online relationships? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nevilzaveri/4371372543/ via Creative Commons

Dear You,

I know you are probably trying to stay anonymous. They call infertility one of those “silent” things people deal with. It’s too hard to talk about casually, for one thing. It’s not like you can shake someone’s hand and say, “By the way, I can’t seem to have children.” I suppose you could, but it might be a little awkward. And besides, people get kind of weird when you talk about this. You can see them trying to figure out if they should unfriend you on Facebook you so that they can freely post their pictures of their kids. You can see them wanting to ask questions, like, “Well, are you sure you aren’t just too stressed out?” It can seem easier, really, to stay quiet and anonymous.

But I know you’re out there. I’ve seen glimpses of some of you. I know you’re out there because I’m out there, and I’ve been quiet too.

Being immersed in the world of social media when you struggle with infertility is hard. It’s hard to ignore the fact that there’s a whole segment of the online population categorized as “mommy bloggers.” It’s hard to see things on Pinterest like, “You haven’t really lived until you’ve tucked your kids in.” It’s hard to see all of the pictures of your friends’ children that show up in your Facebook stream. It’s hard, and it can feel overwhelming at times, to be inundated with conversations occurring between parents – conversations you can’t really participate in.

It’s hard to stay quiet. It’s hard not to yell at everyone to shut up. Just for a day.

It is hard, but it is not impossible.

I am here to tell you that you can make it in the online world, even with all of these nameless, quietly endured obstacles standing in your way. If you are thinking about shutting yourself away or unfriending people who post pictures of their kids, do not do it. You will come to a place, as hard as it may be to believe, where you will actually get great joy from watching these babies you know grow in the online world. These pictures, these conversations, they serve to remind you that even though you may not be able to bring your own children into the world, there are still tons of children out there to love. Some of them, like your friends’ babies, are really lucky. There are countless others who are not so lucky and who need our help. These are all good reminders to have.

I also want you to know, though, that you are not alone. Even as you sit there typing, not saying anything as these messages of pain and bitterness flash across your brain, you are not alone. There are people out here who know where you’re coming from. They may not say anything, but they are out there. They understand with no questions asked.

Some day, I hope society can evolve to the point where women AND men who struggle with infertility are not made to feel ashamed. I think medical professionals have a lot to do with that. I think family members have a lot to do with that. Infertility is not a badge of dishonor. It is not a scarlet letter I. It is a medical condition. Sometimes it is caused by other things. Sometimes nobody knows why. It should not be the “Silent” syndrome, however. My belief in that last point is why I wanted to write this post. I don’t want to be hush hush about this anymore. I don’t want it to be an everyday topic either, but I am not ashamed that this is something I have to deal with.

I don’t want you to feel ashamed either. And I don’t want you to feel alone.

You are not alone. I am here. And I’m just one.

Remember that.

Love,

Margie

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/evelynized/6880359855 via Creative Commons

I want to talk to you today about something that is not easy to talk about. But I think it needs to come out into the open. See, I noticed something about myself last week. It came on the heels of a female friend of mine intimating that she was dumb. She happens to be one of the most capable and smart women I know, but there she was in a thread saying “Oh man, I feel like I’m so dumb.” I snapped at her and told her she should NEVER talk about herself that way. It was ridiculous. But guess what? It made me realize that I do the same thing. All the time. And I’ve noticed a lot of other women do, too. Even if we don’t call ourselves stupid, we mask our intelligence online. A lot.

This is not really just a social media problem for me. I used to get in big arguments with a friend of mine in college – a guy. He is one of those people who likes to use at least one new big word every day. He has an amazing memory and flaunts it. He asks people questions in regular conversation that they very likely won’t know the answers to, and he answers them. I told him that I didn’t really feel the need to strut my stuff, as it were. I have always said I like the Abraham Lincoln approach – I like to talk without effect. I like to be a chameleon and adjust my references and my tonality depending upon with whom I’m talking. I have never felt the need, in every day conversation, to have little markers that point to intelligence.

None of this changed when I started tweeting and blogging. I tried to create a persona when I first started on Twitter and it failed miserably for me. I am most comfortable simply being who I am. HOWEVER, and maybe you can relate to this, a big part of who I am is self-deprecating. Social Media has seemed to magnify this characteristic of mine, or at least I have noticed it more readily. Smart? Me? Aw no no no. Not compared to that person. And that person. No, I’m just a shlub, barely holding on.

Except I’m not. And neither are you.

Noticing this pattern has been kind of like learning a new word. Once I noticed and acknowledged it, I started to see it everywhere. Not just with me but with other people too, and most especially, predominantly, in other women. I’ve been trying to figure out how I fell into such a bad habit. I’ve been trying to figure out why I tend to fall into this pattern more readily when I’m talking to men versus women.

Guess what? I’m sexist.

The only answer I can come up with is that there is something deeply programmed within me that tells me to bow to the intellect of men. I get intimidated. It’s true. If engaged in a high-level conversation that is dominated by men, I feel more pressure to over-perform. I never want to be the resident bimbo, nor do I want to say anything that invites that comparison. So instead of risking that, I revert to self-deprecation. There. See? You can’t call me stupid because I beat you to the punch. In the face of the all boys club, I’d rather hustle and not risk humiliation versus simply letting my brain go.

Pretty sad, huh?

But I have a feeling I’m not alone in this regard.

This is not a permission slip to become a braggart

I’m not saying, by the way, that women should move to the other end of the spectrum. I don’t intend to change the way I blog or tweet or…Facebook. I am who I am, as Popeye might say. I don’t intend to humblebrag or regular brag. I find those things highly unattractive in any gender. But there is a difference between embracing your power and tearing yourself down. Many women I see in the online space, including me, opt for the latter. We would rather, it seems, open the door to insult rather than step up and say, “Um, hi. We’re here too.”

Is it any wonder that sometimes women don’t get taken seriously enough? I think not. If we can’t take ourselves seriously, surely no one else should.

What do you think? I hope women AND men will weigh in on this. Do men find that women often tear themselves down? What’s your read on that?

Let’s talk about this.

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/basilisksam/6516766343/ via Creative Commons

I’m a few days earlier than what would be considered “normal,” I suppose, but I have been giving a lot of thought to what I’m hoping to accomplish in 2013 over the last few weeks, and tonight, Christmas night, seems like as good a time as any to put my plans out there and see who wants to take a ride with me. When you get the jazz, you must dance, yes? 🙂

Truth be told, I have a few big initiatives I want to get going in 2013, and with a week left in 2012, I figure now is actually the time to start revving my engines. So what ARE these big plans I have? I’m so glad you asked!

The Online Safehouse

A couple of years ago I tried to start something called The Online Safehouse. I created a website, then a Twitter chat, and I think I also may have tried a Facebook page. I didn’t have a very big following yet and I expected everything to catch fire immediately (I was still pretty new to this online space at that point). Now I’m older and slightly wiser with more realistic expectations.

What I am going to start with is a group blog dedicated to a mixture of content. Some will treat difficult topics that are hard to talk about – abuse, eating disorders, all of the fears people are experiencing during these trying times. There will also be content intended to cheer and inspire. I have started a closed group on Facebook with some folks who are interested in helping out, and I will be putting together a rough editorial calendar over the next few days to get us started. I’m hoping to have a launch as close to the first as possible!

If you are interested in being a contributor to this project, let me know!

Homespun Helpers

Back in 2007, a friend and I cofounded a group that at the time was called Crafting for 3000 (I think). The group existed only on Livejournal, and the idea was pretty simple. We would make items for charity, donate and ship them, and we would tally all items made by the group. Our goal that first year was 3,000 as a way to honor how many US soldiers had fallen in Iraq up to that point. We actually exceeded 3,000 items for that year and the year after, which was extremely exciting. However, after trying to move the group to more popular platforms like MySpace, Blogger, and then Facebook, we became thinned out and eventually sort of melted away.

I’d really like to bring Homespun Helpers back in 2013. It is extremely empowering to see your homemade items tallied as part of a group effort to bring sunshine to the world. There are no obligations – you make whatever you can – candles, soap, knitted items, sewn items, whatever you want, and you can donate to whomever you want. All you have to do is take a photo explaining what your items are and where they are going and the items will be counted.

I’ve started a Facebook page for this effort and that will be the core location for the effort. You can find and join that group here.

Hecklers’ Hangout

You are probably already somewhat familiar with this idea. Brian Vickery and I started Hecklers’ Hangout this year in the fall and we have already booked several guests for 2013. We’re really hoping that our platform can become a destination for people who are introducing a new idea, a new book, a new idea, or new technology. We are also loving our growing community and would like to see that continue to grow throughout next year. If you would like to sign up to be a guest or if you would like to just play along, the best place is our Facebook page. We hope to see you there!

Clayman Marketing Communications

My family’s full-service marketing firm, of which I am now Vice President, will of course continue to be the primary focus for me going into 2013. We started a blog and reinvigorated our Facebook page this year, and we are seeing the beginnings of what could be a growing community in both places. Our new name and office location have really given us a shot in the arm, and I think 2013 is going to be an awesome year. To put it another way, I’m psyched!

The magical weight goal

This year I came 19 pounds away from my dream weight. Then I got plantar fasciits, and while I haven’t been weighed lately, I have a feeling I have gotten some of those pounds back. My goal is once again to hit that magic number in 2013. If I can stay uninjured for the whole year (which is a major sub-goal) I am hoping this is one I can cross off my list.

Cooking!

Ever notice that you tend to fall into major cooking ruts? I know I do. I get ingredients I can pick up quickly at the store, I mix ’em up, and boom! Dinner! Well, I’m hoping to make one new recipe (at least) a week in 2013. That should be enough to shake things up a little. Who knows, I might even share my experiments with you!

That’s what I’m going to be up to. Have you thought about 2013 yet? What are you going to be working on, and how can I help?

And hey, if I don’t see you again, Happy New Year!

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mdconnell/5310707803/ via Creative Commons