I was poking around YouTube the other day trying to find a film Jim Henson had done before he became famous for his muppets (you’d probably never guess it was the same guy if you didn’t know his background). Instead of finding that, I found something entirely different and unexpected, as so often happens when you are innocently surfing the web. I found Frank Oz’s eulogy of Jim Henson from Henson’s funeral.
It’s worth a watch – it’s perhaps the most amazing eulogy I’ve ever seen. What I like about it is that Oz bases his words around one simple act that Jim Henson did – a gift that Jim put together for Frank one Christmas. But just as Jim Henson dissected the character of Bert, Frank Oz used this present to dissect the character of Jim Henson. Oz described Henson’s love of layers and detail, his excitement at giving gifts to people, his utter enjoyment in slaving away on something for someone he cared about.
Frank Oz used his eulogy to illustrate how a gift from a long time ago had shown him how much Jim Henson had loved him, and in saying that, you can tell that Frank Oz took that as the highest of honors. It’s everything a eulogy should be.
I found myself wondering though, as I listened, whether Frank Oz had ever mentioned these amazing observations to his friend. Did Jim Henson know that this gift had made such an impression? Did he know that the gift had touched Frank Oz’s heart?
Eulogies are kind of selfish
I have decided that eulogies are sort of silly. They really are not for the person who has left us. They’re for us. So often you hear people say things like, “I wish I had told that person xyz,” or “I never told that person how much I care.” You are really saying those words to lift the burden from your own soul. Which is fine. But I keep wondering if there isn’t a better way to go. I keep wondering if there’s a way, an easy way, to interweave eulogies into the land of the living.
Ew, that’s awkward!
Of course, we say things in eulogies that may not be easy to say to a person face-to-face in real life. “I really appreciate you,” “I love you,” things like that. People tend to shy away from these heartfelt sentiments cuz ya know, it makes ya look kind of mushy. A lot of foot shuffling happens. Some jokes may lighten the touch of these heavy words of gratitude. It’s just not an easy thing for us to do for some reason.
So, I keep thinking of a scene from The Wire, where a cop who is retiring has a “wake.” He is lying there in an open casket and all of his co-workers are eulogizing him, and he isn’t allowed (technically) to say anything. It got me to thinking, maybe we could introduce something like that into our poor depraved society. Maybe we could have a day where people get to say whatever they want to say to you (hopefully good) and you aren’t really allowed to respond, taking away some of that mushy pressure. I don’t know, would that make it easier?
The weight of words unspoken
One of the greatest regrets people have, either when their own life is ending or when they are losing one they love, is that they did not say everything they wanted to say. What stops us? What makes it easier after the person has gone away?
People say we live in a time of fleeting friendship. That may or may not be true, but surely now is as good a time as any to make sure that the people you do care about KNOW it. Even if it’s just a little thing, go ahead and say it. Why wait? As Clint Eastwood might well say, “Go ahead. Make their day.”
Or am I crazy?
Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/striatic/3258488/ via Creative Commons
Oh Margie! You’ve done it again. I adore you.
@Sean McGinnis Aw, thanks Sean-monkey. You know the feeling is mutual! 🙂
It is a good idea. It sucks when you realize you desperately want to tell someone you care deeply about that they made a difference in your life only you can’t, because they are gone.
@TheJackB That it does indeed.
Instead of a “roast” we can call it a “boast” 🙂 ……….
I think people tend to shy away because they haven’t seen/heard others do it ….. my parents shared heartfelt sentiments … especially my Dad …. complimenting strangers on a daily basis made the “real stuff” easier … at least for us …… mentoring friends/business and talking one to one about it … how to “Go ahead. Make their day.” ….. and of course the wonderful Dale Carnegie ……
@CateTV You could be right. It might seem “weird.” And heaven forbid someone appears weird…:)
Beautiful. When do you begin? We’ll learn by your example!
@Faryna oh, well now you’re putting the pressure on!
When I was in outpatient rehab years ago, we did something like this. The “dead” person is not allowed to talk and good and not so good things are said, but the emphasis is on the good.
I try to do this with people as often as I can. Sometimes I fail rather miserably at it and sometimes not. I guess it is always good to do these things while others are alive, rather than realizing it is too late.
@NancyD68 There is a reason, I think, why someone came up with the line, “There’s no time like the present.” It can be an easy life lesson to learn or it can be a really hard life lesson to learn.
It’s a great idea Margie, and we should openly honor and acknowledge people while they are living.
What stops us is fear of embrrassment or rejection. And, I think in most cases, the reaction would be just the opposite.
@Martina McGowan You are probably right. That fear of making someone feel “creeped out” can be powerful. But as you say, I think (if you do it in a non-creepy way) most people would be rather happily surprised. “Wow, you notice my existence? Awesome!” Everybody needs that every once in awhile. We just don’t like to admit it. Humans are so silly. I wonder if chickadees have these problems!
@margieclayman
No we don’t like to admit it, but we all do like to be noticed every now and then.
We don’t do it because no one else is doing it. Someone has to start. Why not us?
Deep down we have all been hurt by someone close to us, so we protect ourselves by rejecting kindness before we can be rejected. And we all have some version of “imposter syndrome” disbelieving our own awesomeness. I truly believe this comes from how we are educated. Ultimately we are shamed into doing what people tell us to do in the name of looking ‘smart.’ Formal education is a killer of good vibes. Seriously.
Rather than get totally mush on people, practicing saying kind things and complimenting good work should be a part of our every day. Example, my very sensitive son thought he hurt a friend’s feelings the other day and was all upset. I encouraged him to call the friend and ask if he had hurt his feelings and to apologize. He was scared, but I made the call to the other boy’s mom, the boy got on the phone, my son asked “did I hurt your feelings when I said X?” His friend said he was fine. They hung up. (boys don’ t yammer on). After I told my son how proud I was of him for taking a risk and calling his friend. “Brave.” I said. “Thanks.” he said and then went to baseball practice.
@susangiurleo Yeah, I once thought I was in a big fight with a friend. Finally I mustered up the courage to ask, “Why are you so mad at me?” They said, “I’m not mad at you! I thought you were mad at me!” How much time we wasted over a really stupid and unspoken misunderstanding. As William Blake so brilliantly wrote, if we just let go of our bad feelings, we’re good. It’s when we hold on to them and water and feed them that real trouble can begin. Well, that’s not exactly what he wrote, but that was the jist, anyway 🙂
I think expats excel in living eulogies. Since we move so much, we turn “saying good-bye” into an art form. We say all the things we’ve wanted to say earlier.
The good news is that we see many of our friends later in life – either on vacation or on another assignment.
Janet | expateducator.com
Agree 100%… this reminds me of my Grandma’s saying. “Don’t come visit me after I’m gone, I’m not there”. Meaning don’t come to my funeral/memorial service I’m not there. Come talk with me while I’m alive. FYI… She requested no services what so ever. 🙂