Have you ever seen the movie Being John Malkovich? It’s definitely not your typical Hollywood fare, but I adore the film. There’s one particular exchange that I want to tell you about today. Craig (played by John Cusack) has come to the sad realization that his dream girl Maxine (Katherine Keener) loves someone else a lot more than she loves him, which is to say, she doesn’t care for him at all. He looks miserable while she floats on and on about how happy she is.
“You’re not in love, Maxine! This is what being in love looks like!”
“Oh, well you chose the unreciprocated kind. It’s very bad for the skin,” she returns.
I say this with all love, care, and concern, but um…you’re kind of reminding me of Craig lately. And the biggest problem is that you aren’t loving YOURSELF enough.
Starring the Social Media Elite as your dream boy/girl
Here’s the thing. You’re kind of pining after attention from the “big kids” in the same way that Craig pines after Maxine. A single glance (or mention) lightens your entire day. A perceived slight and you are miserable.
Meanwhile, you’ve got all of these people around you commenting on your posts or talking to you on Twitter or trying to engage with you on LinkedIn, and you’re giving them the short shrift because maybe they don’t have 50,000 followers.
In the immortal words of Keanu Reeves, “Woah.”
Let me get a can opener and open up this here can of truth. Ready?
1. Much like Maxine, people will get creeped out by you if you sort of end up stalking them or getting really bummed when they don’t say hi to you. Why? Because it’s creepy.
2. If you are not confident enough in yourself to know that what you are doing is awesome, you will not invite other people, especially people with big reputations, to feel confident in you. It’s that old catch-22, like, “You find love as soon as you stop looking for it.” (I always have hated that one, by the way).
3. If you try to get on someone’s radar by emulating their style and bugging the heck out of them, they will see you as competition, a nuisance, or perhaps both.
4. In the online world, it’s really not just one true love you’re after. Once you get that first person on your list to follow you or mention you, you’ll say, “Oh, OK, now I can go for that person because this person finally talked to me.” You’ll never be satisfied or content with your online presence. Why? Because you don’t love yourself and what you’re doing enough to see the value in it on your own.
You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling…
When you fail to love yourself enough, you don’t have any love (really) to give to others. That’s true in life and it’s definitely true online. If you are waiting for validation from some big name, then you will not be able to promote others with an open hand and heart. Why? Well, what if they end up getting that attention you so desire? What if they leapfrog over you in that person’s eyes? Engagement can only happen in a meaningful way in the online world if you’re sure enough of yourself to put yourself out there in support of someone else.
Laurel-phobia
Part of the inspiration for this post came from Tuesday’s episode of Kitchen Table Talks, which starred Chris Brogan, Joe Sorge, and Mitch Joel. The guys were talking about whether we praise ourselves enough. A few different people said “Oh, I can’t celebrate accomplishments because then I’ll just rest on my laurels and I won’t move forward.”
Quoth the low self-esteem raven, “Nevermore.”
Listen folks, it is okay to *OCCASIONALLY* celebrate your accomplishments. And how do I know you won’t stop evolving? Well, we’re not wired to just stop. When you learned how to roll over as an infant, did your body collapse because you had done enough at that point? I doubt it. When you got that first ever comment on your blog site, did you say, “Welp, that does it. I’m just gonna enjoy this here comment. All done.” I doubt it.
Will people maybe misconstrue your celebration? Perhaps. But if you also celebrate the accomplishments of others, your intentions will be clear enough. And by the way, if you’re chilling in the online world, you need to be able to stomach people misunderstanding or misrepresenting you. Like I said – grow a pair and love yourself.
Oh yeah, business ramifications
By the way, this is really important for those of you who are trying to build a business online. If you think that your business will grow because all of the presenters at BlogWorld liked your last post, you are (most likely) sadly mistaken. The folks you really need to pine over are your customers and your potential customers. They’ll give you money if they like you, too, which is really a pretty good deal.
So, look, I know that it’s hard to feel great in this crazy messed up world. But look at what you’re doing. You’re out there blogging or tweeting or working or parenting – maybe all of the above. You can measure progress. You can celebrate your accomplishments. And you can still celebrate with other people, too. And your love, it won’t be unreciprocated. And even if you don’t get that one superstar to comment on your happy birthday tweet, you’ll be okay, because you know it was awesome of you to do that.
Right?
This is post #81 in the Engagement Series. Thanks for stopping by!
Image by Ana Labate. http://www.sxc.hu/profile/ana_labate
View Margie Clayman's profile
I just loved this post and how you injected Being John Malkovich – a delightful read and excellent message.
Thanks so much, Darleen. So glad you enjoyed it!
This post really resonated with me… to rehash a tried and true virtue, it’s better to give than to receive. All the blessings you give will surely return back to you. And, if they don’t? I’ll be perfectly happy because I’m happy with who I am and want to be, it’s all good. 🙂
Thanks for a wonderful message to end my day!
why do you always word things so much better than I do? Darn it!!! 🙂
Margie, you’ve woven a number of terrific messages into this post. Not only about being able to love what you’re doing because you love it and not because you’ll get recognition from it, but also about pride and boastfulness.
I’m not the type of person to toot my own horn. Never have been. I grew up being told I should be humble and practice humility. I don’t need a flashing marquee with my name on it. But when I am proud of a major accomplishment or have received a significant accolade I want to share my good news with others.
Not everything we do is deserving of a public announcement. Social media makes it so easy to just throw anything out there. And in 60 seconds it’s gone. So people throw it again. And again. And again. Until it seems like boasting and ‘Look at me’.
I don’t think we should be afraid to be proud of ourselves and our accomplishments. Nor should we be afraid to share them in a meaningful way with our supporters.
Keep writing good stuff!
Sara
you raise a great point, Sara. The challenge on Twitter is that we’re often told that Twitter is a stream, so one person may see your tweet 3 times while another never sees it. So, at that point, you need to ask yourself if you are tweeting just for celebrating yourself or if you’re tweeting to get people to make a big stink over you. Hopefully the former 🙂
Margie, you are are, by far, the best storyteller in the blogosphere. I don’t know how you keep so many movies and music and books straight, well enough to include them in your stories, but it’s pure magic.
Well thank you Gini. You made my day. I suppose I could weave all sorts of impressive answers to this but the reality is I’m just a movie/music/popular culture geek 🙂 I like stuff and it sticks with me. I’m a lucky-brained gal.
Glad you enjoy it!
Real talk here, Margie. This one made me think. Thanks 😉
Thanks, Ryan. Hopefully in a good way 🙂
Margie, you inspire me through your posts. On a day when I feel beaten down by the world, it is nice to hear someone talk about self-love.
When I think about all I have accomplished in this lifetime, it seems staggering. As humans we are continually evolving into something greater than we were.
Thanks for your post! Miriam
Very well said, Miriam. It’s important to look back and see all we have accomplished. It is from that that we can grow hope for the future, non?
PREACH ON Sister! 🙂 YES!
Thanks Joe 🙂
Maggie, I agree with Gini, how do you remember all those movie/book/song references?
I couldn’t agree more about the ‘high school’ mentality which seems to pervade through social media. Everyone wants the attention of the ‘cool kids’ the BWENY speakers but these ain’t your customers people.
We keep talking to our colleagues and not our clients or leads. This is the issue.
Thanks for telling it like it is.
Exactly right, John. I was chatting with someone last night about the same issue. The potential of Social Media in the business world is being overshadowed by things like Klout and Empire Avenue. It’s kind of a bummer! Even in the business world, though, self-love is important. If you walk into meetings unsure of yourself, it’s bound to create a self-fulfilling prophecy, and nobody likes those (most of the time!).
Hi Margie –
I’ve had some alisters comment on my blog. Mostly, I was surprised they found me but it also was a two minute feel good moment..
I am awesome anyway.
(not modest but awsome)
Modestly awesome, perhaps?
You’re an A-lister to me, by the way. I’m not surprised at all they would know who you are.
I think I get confused about celebrating success. I feel like it is bragging, and I don’t want to do that. I remember the very first promotion i ever got. I was working in a clothing store, and I got a better offer for a better hourly rate, and health insurance.
My boss promoted me on the spot. She did not want to lose me. Anyway, I went home all proud of myself and told my Mom. She said ‘what are you going to be in charge of, the bathroom?”
That killed any desire to blow my own horn. That was a long time ago and that memory still stings. I have not learned the difference between celebrating a victory and being a braggart. This is sad.
I know what you mean. I was taught at a very young age, “Don’t toot your own horn.” I was not taught at the time the difference between bragging and sharing good news with people who care. It’s a fine line, but if you don’t learn where it is, you risk never celebrating the great things you do, and that is not a good situation at all. We all are doing too darned much not to celebrate!
Margie is clearly sitting in my living room:
“You’re out there blogging or tweeting or working or parenting – maybe all of the above.
That said, I LOVE this post and your message! I watched that KTC episode and felt the same way – being afraid to stop and give yourself a pat on the back once in awhile just isn’t healthy.
What message does it send your team, staff, family, kids when you work your ass off, get great results and you simply shrug it off as another day on the job? Well, it tells them that working hard sucks and it never stops and they all better watch out because no matter how hard they work it will never be good enough – until you die. This leads to burn out and depression. Why work hard if it never feels good?
A celebration doesn’t have to mean balloons and party hats. A celebration can mean going out for a drink with the team, high fives all around, hand written thank you notes, a round of golf, donating to a charitable cause. No one even needs to know you’re celebrating. It doesn’t have to be wildly public.
What I heard on that video was fear and ambivalence about success. It’s great to be humble, and we can do that with confidence. No one can take away what we’ve achieved and celebrating once in awhile won’t stop success from happening. It isn’t luck and it can’t be jinxed by thinking you did good.
So well said, Susan. I was very concerned that so few people feel okay about celebrating good stuff. It’s interesting when coupled with the sort of celebration of failure that exists in the online world. It almost seems like we expect ourselves to fail, so when we do we figure we better celebrate that because that’s as good as it gets.
Of course, that is not the case at all.
Very disconcerting indeed.
Thanks so much for that great comment!
And then there are those who are at the other extreme . . . who hardly hesitate to give themselves a pat on back and big chunk of praise—often in public.
Neither extreme is helpful, and yet . . . it is what we do.
I still remember watching three Olympians on the stand, getting their medals.
Gold winner was happy,
Silver winner was bumming,
Bronze winner was stoked beyond words. Tears. Smiles. Stoked. Because she had just exceeded her best performance.
I think much of it is the perspective.
I love that analogy, Mike. That is fantastic. You are so entirely right. And you know what, you shouldn’t feel mad at that silver medal winner. Even though silver is awesome, if it didn’t meet his or her expectations, then they have a right to be disappointed. However, I am tempted to note that every cloud has a silver lining, so it can’t be all that bad, right? 🙂
Margie, I’m so grateful you were Gini Dietrich’s Follow Friday today! I’ve enjoyed your comments on blogs we both follow, but I often need a nudge to add visit still one more blog. Yours is one to which I am now subscribed!
I love this post…every sentence, but especially these two: “When you fail to love yourself enough, you don’t have any love (really) to give to others. That’s true in life and it’s definitely true online.”
I hope this liberated some people who are suffering from a sense of insufficiency and looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places.
Thanks for sharing your gifts. Have a great Friday!
Well thanks, Mimi! I am rather happy Gini gave me the opportunity to meet you and many other wonderful people too! It’s what Social Media is (supposed to be) all about! 🙂
Very happy that you enjoyed this post. Does that mean you’ll come back?? I hope so! 🙂
Uh oh………I resembled this. In fact my last post addressed it but thank goodness my community had some thoughtful, insightful comments that put all this in perspective. There can’t be all the artificial rules and layers of crap. Be willing to give of yourself for the sake of giving, and just be yourself and don’t worry about all the other noise that is going on.
My ‘problem’ was it took me awhile to feel like I really belonged. I’m past that and I’m a confident person; but for some reason I still have insecurities when it comes to my blog even though I get crazy traffic. It’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and I’ll be exposed for the amateur that I am.
I know, too much thinking; but this post was very timely for me. Man up, grow a pair, be bold, huh?
Good to see you and look forward to getting to know you better. Gini has pulled me out of the mud more times than I care to mention…………
Sorry to hear that you were feeling down. I’ve seen you in various places across the online world and I sure haven’t seen any indication why you should devalue yourself 🙂
I think we all have insecurities. The “it’s too good to be true” ghost really haunts a lot of us. But at some point, we must come to terms with the fact that sometimes good things happen because we’ve earned them, and that’s pretty okay.
I look forward to getting to know you better as well!
Margie,
Hi, I am Amber-Lee and I had to tell you to make sure mine are hanging right. This is wonderful, and I am so grateful to Gini for putting you “in my face” with her FF today. This post is screaming in my face, so I got it, thanks.
I wonder, if you wouldn’t mind answering a question. Does everyone feel the way I do when I’m reading these posts I find? As if you are speaking straight at me. As if you (the writer) know what has been bothering me or confusing me, or something that has simply been out of my reach for even beginning to grasp? Or is it because we (the reader) find what we need, in whatever way, are actually drawn to it and ready to hear it?
I’m glad I finally came here, this is a wonderful post. ~Amber-Lee
Hi Amber-Lee!
That’s a great question. I have come to the belief over my life that we only hear what we’re ready to hear. People we love and see every day can tell us the same thing for our own good and we just don’t hear it. Then suddenly, all of the stars align, someone says something, and it all clicks.
It’s why I’ve come to love so many songs and movies and moments in shows. I watch or hear them and suddenly I think, “Oh…yeah, that!” They surely didn’t have me in mind, and sometimes what I learn has nothing directly to do with what’s going on, but it just clicks.
I am so pleased that something clicked here for you. That’s a great honor!