I was going through some old photos the other day and came upon a picture that made me do a double take. It was a picture of me about 10 years ago, probably, and I was really overweight (in a masterful twist of fate, the picture shows me standing with my fridge door open – go fig). The main thing that struck me was just how incredibly overweight I was. In part, it struck me because of how far I’ve come -I can definitely tell the difference – but there’s also the inexplicable fact that at the time, I had no idea I had gained so much weight.
How can that be, you might well ask. I am not really sure. I knew that I wasn’t doing a lot to help myself out. Long hours in grad school and a very nearby coffee shop that served cafe mochas were part of the problem. I didn’t exercise – walking was a pretty big deal for me back then (as in, “I walked, therefore I can have more bad food”). But I didn’t really see that I was getting out of control.
I find that rather worrisome. But I think this happens to everybody in one way or another. Some people might gain a lot of weight. Some people might go within themselves and stop reaching out to people. Some people might hurt themselves. Sometimes, when you get really stuck in your own head, the world can become very small and every event can become very very large. It’s easy to lose track of how many cookies you’ve had or how long it’s been since you’ve eaten.
Recover and forgive yourself
It would be really easy for me to look back at the person I was 10 years ago and be furious. “Why did you eat at Wendy’s so much?” “Why didn’t you exercise when your big plans for the day included “take 30-minute nap?” I could go on and on. I could be really hard on the me of a decade ago. But in the end, looking back and yelling at our old selves doesn’t really make us feel better about ourselves today. Really, it’s picking the scab off of the old wounds that brought us to that point.
There was a lot going on with me ten years ago. Academically, health-wise, life-wise…it was a tough time. I had a $10 budget for grocery shopping every week for awhile there. So, while I could have made better choices, and while I know those better choices *now,* I have to cut myself some slack. I have to remember what it was like to be that person at that time, and I have to realize how much I’ve changed.
I bet if you are thinking about a time when you weren’t happy with yourself, or if you aren’t happy with yourself now, that you could find reasons to forgive yourself. Understand, this is not the same as making excuses. Bad decisions are bad decisions. But sometimes life gives us a little more than we are comfortable with and we need to learn to walk and breathe and live and shift with that new burden that can be so hard to wrap our arms around.
Take hope
If you are not happy with yourself now, as I was not too happy ten years ago, take heart. Take hope. Ten years later, I am still not where I want to be, but boy am I working hard. Every day I try to make a move to get myself to that place I’m shooting for. Some days are more victorious than others, but I keep plowing ahead. I keep taking pictures in the now, and they wipe out that picture from the past. If I can do that, I know you can too.
The first step is to not beat yourself up. The second step is to forgive yourself. And the third step – the third step is to start working the problem. Seek help. Be honest with yourself. Try to take a baby step every day moving forward.
In retrospect, I’m glad I found that picture. It is good to remember where you’ve come from just as it’s good to remember where you’re going.
Don’t lose track of where you’re going. Don’t lose hope. And don’t give up.
Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kalexanderson/5421517469/ via Creative Commons
Margie, I totally get where you were. For years I refused to weigh myself because I would immediately become depressed and beat myself up. Like you, I was in grad school, working full-time and dealing with a family. Food became the one thing I could count on. It always tasted and made me think I felt good.
Last year I decided to take control of my body once again and lost over 40 pounds. Now I am happy with my current weight and feel self-confidence has returned as well. School is done now (whew!) and now I seem focused on what my next steps will be.
I guess it is always going to be something. Isn’t that what drives us to success though? I mean not being happy with the status quo can be ok if you continue moving forward. Thanks for a great post. Miriam
@mim.gomberg Thanks for sharing, Miriam. Yeah, food as a comfort is a great big problem for me, even still. As much as I would love to think that a salad could be comfort food, it just doesn’t seem to work out that way most of the time 🙂
I agree that challenges are good, but I think it’s important to keep track of when you are healthy-challenged versus when you are too run down. Sometimes, scarily enough, we can’t even tell. Gotta keep that head screwed on straight at all times, right?
Awesome post Margie. Congrats on the two years of blogging. I plan on reading your stuff a lot more. This post reminds me of my recovery days. (alcohol & drugs) Hope is so crucial. Things WILL get better. Forgiveness of self was something I had to learn about and also practice. My fav quote; “Forgiveness is letting go of all hopes for a better past” This really helped me move on. Also, HOW this works. Be Honest with yourself, Be Open minded and be Willing to Change. This is so important, not just in recovery or losing weight, but in life. When things need to change, it usually means YOU need to change. Take a look at the person in the mirror.
Take CARE.
Al
@Al Smith Aw, thanks so much Al. It’s great to see you here.
I think that we are all way too hard on ourselves. It’s an odd human quirk, sadly. If we could forgive ourselves when we make mistakes and understand that, hey, mistakes are inevitable, we’d all be better off. Or so says me 🙂
Magnificent!! Really beautifully said MargieClayman . It is SO important to not beat ourselves up for past decisions AND it is SO important not to dwell on the past. Revisiting the post occasionally to remind ourselves as to how far we have come is an important part of our journey…celebrate life’s progress…cherish the lessons…and continue moving forward. Congratulations on a journey that is definitely worth celebrating!
xoxo
Claudia
@SocialMediaDDS thanks so much, dear Claudia. You know I think you rock, right?
The number does not define anything but a number. No matter what the number is..if you accept and love yourself no matter what…there is no need for forgiveness..like gaining weight is an attributable crime or something. It is what it is. Define your well being not by your physical size, but what is inside.