As a 30-something in the US, I find myself and my generation in a bit of a strange conundrum. For the first time perhaps ever, our generation is facing a reality where we might be worse off than our parents. This fact is mentioned to us all the time. It’s on the news. It’s in the reports the Department of Labor sends out. It’s in economic and healthcare forecasts. It seems to be everywhere.
How did we get here? How is it that we ended up on this path? There are a lot of answers to that question, but the ones you tend to hear the most about are the Baby Boomer generation growing older, our college loans growing bigger, childcare and healthcare costs skyrocketing, and the economy declining.
It is with these thoughts in my mind that I begin to approach Ann Odle’s topic, which is caring for and relating to aging parents.
The Perspective of the Older Generation
For the generation that is older and maybe not as healthy now as they used to be, the world is an extremely frightening place. It’s no secret that healthcare costs are almost prohibitively expensive for families these days. Too often, we hear stories about a widow or widower being moved to a nursing home after the death of their spouse because no one in the family has the financial means to take care of them any other way. This generation is faced with losing their health, their home, contact with all whom they love, and their independence – and this generation, the generation of the Great Depression and World War II – they are all about being self-sufficient.
It’s also not a secret that a lot of nursing homes are simply places where senior citizens are viewed as people who don’t merit careful and genuine care and companionship. We hear too many stories about errors in treatment or about families who never take the time to visit their relatives. Nobody likes to experience these kinds of scenarios. For the people who are facing this future, the world may seem bleak. It may seem like all they have worked for all their long lives has been for naught.
The Perspective of the Younger Generation
I think for anyone who has aged and/or ill parents or grandparents, the sense of obligation is in perpetual conflict with the realities of 21st century life. Of course you want your loved one to be able to enjoy their remaining years where and how they want to. Of course you want to take care of them. Of course you want to do all you can to show your gratitude for everything you’ve gotten in your life.
Look at how weary most people are these days, however. Look at all of the conversations happening about the battle between staying home with the kids and going to work. Look at all of the conversations about rising costs of things like day care and schools. The undercurrent to all of those conversations, the part that doesn’t get as much focus, is that there are also people on the other end of the life spectrum who need help and care and support. With people working 24/7, with the financial situation in limbo, and with younger generations facing a future without Medicare or Social Security, the stress of wanting to do what is right and not being able to pull it off is immense.
No-Win Decisions
As the older generation continues to get older, and as younger generations continue to get squeezed in all kinds of ways, decisions will have to be made that won’t make anyone feel happy. Older people will find that their children simply cannot afford to take care of them. Assisted Living facilities or nursing homes will become the default answer for a lot of families, and that’s an extremely painful decision for all involved. All people in this country are being forced to choose priorities that are impossible. Do you want to spend your money and time on your children or on your parents? Who needs you the most? Should you go to work or visit your parents or stay home with the kids?
The discomfort that everyone is facing in our culture is unfortunate and immensely sad.
We Need to Talk About This
I firmly believe that life doesn’t have to be this way. There has to be another way. There has to be a way to let people stay in their homes yet also get the care they need. There has to be a way to provide for the older generation while the younger generation grows. There has to be a way to afford both food and medicine.
We just need to figure out how to make all of that happen.
Right?
Image by Joe Zlomek. http://www.sxc.hu/profile/jzlomek
Sad but very true. Unfortunately, seems like the almighty dollar is the common denominator. My kids are in their early thirties, and are dealing with college loan debt themselves. For me, it’s meant learning to live within our means (late in life I’m afraid) and no more debt. Then trying to focus on getting back to the basics of just enjoying life and the relationships i have around me now. And especially, being grateful to God, one day at a time. thanks for sharing the insightful article.
Hi Jay,
That dollar does rule for a lot of us, doesn’t it?
The college debt system in the US is a significant problem. Many of my friends went into hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt. I was relatively lucky with my amounts. It’s absolutely crazy. And the fact that you only have six months till you need to start making payments is also rather loco.
Thanks for your comment!
Margie,
Currently living out your post. Hubby and I are having very sobering conversations on how are we going to do this. There are no easy answers. Just difficult choices to make and none of it “feels” good. Excellent post Margie.
So sorry to hear that Lisa. ((hugs)) to you and your family =/
Glad you liked the post…
It is a sobering post. My husband is solely responsible for his in laws and his mother is in the end stages of Alzheimer’s. This disease is an unspoken epidemic of devastating proportions not only in terms of the diagnosis rate but also for the financial toll as well as the emotional toll. And, yet, it doesn’t get nearly the attention as the other worthy causes out there.
Our emphasis on youth and beauty causes us to forget the other side of life. I wish we had a less superficial society so that we can tackle this head on.
Rather – meant to say my husband is responsible for my in laws (his parents).
Alzheimers is extremely frightening for the entire family because it’s so unpredictable. That is an unspoken crisis within the unspoken crisis. Nursing homes are having increasing difficulty in helping patients who have dementia or other mental problems, but it’s such a terrible strain in all ways for the family.
My heart goes out to you and your family.
Hi Marjorie,
As my partner outlined both her and I are running the toll of my parents. We have jointly spent a lot of our personal savings and also continue to spend our discretionary income to help and support my parents. Is it easy? No. Are there other alternatives? Maybe when they discover a cure for Parkinson’s (my father) and Alzheimer’s (my mother) we should have another conversation. With more and more baby boomers facing a delay in retirement and also forced to work longer, it tells you people are concerned about covering their health care once they retire. To say its an epidemic issue in this country is an understatement. My mother is in a care facility and I am shocked to see how many family members not make a short trip to these care homes and see their loved ones. How do I know? Other nurses tell me, you are a great son. Your parents should be proud. Well I would not be here if my parents did not help me leave a brutal war back in 1987. They sacrificed for me and now its my turn. Whether its economic reasons or not, I tend to think you can still make time to come and visit a loved one. Weekends, late at night, it can be done. Health care, social security, and many more issues have to be addressed in a serious way. Many tough days still ahead of us.
You’re 100% correct. Like I said, many people feel like their lives are essentially going to end once they arrive in a nursing home. The staff may not be sensitive or caring, and family members are so stretched for time it can be hard to get there. Plus I think sometimes kids have a hard time in places where people may not be doing their best mentally or physically. It’s an extremely tough situation.
Like you say, there’s no easy answer here. The solutions available now are painful for everybody in all sorts of ways.
sorry if my post sounded insensitive in any way. I was coming at it from the direction of poor financial decisions and over emphasis on money and ‘things’ make it difficult to decide to do the right thing and take care of aging parents, or nurture important relationships in our lives – too busy making a buck and paying the bills. I speak from personal experience i’m afraid. my heart goes out to you folks taking care of your parents – i wish mine we’re still around so i could appreciate them more than i did.
That’s how I read it, Jay. No worries!
There are a few things that keep me hopeful that we can learn to manage these issues. I’ll post this on Google+ but here it is anyway:
There is a growing interest in and knowledge about taking better care of our bodies. If this keeps going, we will start to see a bigger capacity for all our challenges as our brains work better, and we cut the rate of diabetes and the impact of Alzheimer’s.
A friend and associate of mine is Joe Flower. He is a health care futurist who has figured out how we can have health care in this country at half what it is costing us today. His book is about to come out and he travels and speaks all over the world.
The effect of this extensive economic crisis is, in some areas, that people are learning how to take care of each other. Forced to live together, forced to spend very responsibly, we are learning new skills whether we want to or not. Of course there is and will be terrible fallout as many people are simply not able to adjust or find resources in their communities. But at the same time, we are growing a more community-oriented “collective brain” which will serve us in times to come.
Finally, we have the Internet. We are able to inform each other and more people every day are recognizing the value and starting to access these tools. I consider it a personal responsibility to help that access and understanding continue to grow. It’s even in my manifesto, Cloud Alchemy. The tools on the web are naturally developing to be more human and more useful. No matter what people say, I see the web bringing people together and creating less isolation and more social structure.
We have solutions. We must share them and keep looking in the dark corners to find the ones being left behind.
Okay?
Suzanna Stinnett
That’s a great point, Suzanna. Look at how this little blog post brought together people who are going through the same experiences. Maybe there is a need for a Twitter chat or a Facebook page or something like that where people can share things as they learn them. We all need all of the help we can get. Bravo for positive, proactive thinking!
Thanks to you, I’ve started a Facebook page – Look for “Taking care of the elderly.” Maybe we can get a good conversation going there.
Margie,
I ask many of those questions myself. In our culture it is very common that you take care of your parents no matter what. In my case I had to take care of my Grandfather weeks before he passed away. It did cost me some clients and income but I don’t regret putting him in front of any other priorities. He passed away with people that loved him around him not at a Nursing home.
I guess I have to prepare myself for my parents the same way.
I really think we need to dig deeper and look at the models of other countries which have made it everyone’s right towards healthcare.
Another point is how universities charge for degrees even when they know those who graduate end up without a job after they graduate. So many things to fix the only way to fix them is taking huge risks and thinking out of the box. (and crossing your fingers with the expectations that everything will come out the right way.
Hi Raul,
Crossing fingers shouldn’t be our best answer though. There has to be a more solid way to figure out these problems. There should be a support system like Suzanna was talking about or *something*. Folks should not have to make decisions between kids or parents, food or medicine. We should be well beyond such times, in my opinion.
This is that kind of topic that really hits home and creates a lot of valuable conversation offline. Thank you. That being said, we have between us, two adult children and one late teen. We have chosen to pay for round one of college education which has left us with little extra to save/invest. It is clear to us that we will be working for most of our lives (the good news is that we love our businesses). Our children have chosen professions that “seem” secure…Health Insurance and Nursing. The youngest is still trying to figure things out. It is a scary world. There are some health issue concerns in our life and I would never want my children to feel obligated to take on the burden of one or both or our care but then, will we be able to afford our future health care costs? None of the children own their own place yet because they are still paying off debts from round two of education. I would LOVE to be in a place where I could help all of them get their feet firmly planted knowing they have careers that will help them take care of the rest but, sigh, I am not in that place. Our family is close and we have one another’s “back” but, we all truly live day to day. There are no big retirement plans that any of us have to look forward to. Fortunately, we have all been instilled with great and strong work ethics that I think will help us get through this. Thank you for this compelling and conversation starting post.
Claudia
Hi Claudia,
Your voice is the voice of many, I’m sure. And with housing prices doing what they’re doing, everyone is getting pinched on all sides of the equation even more. There is a lot to deal with in these scenarios and none of it is easy, but it sounds like your family has talked about these issues to some extent, which is a great place to start.
Thank you very much for your comment – I’m glad you liked the post!
Hi Margie!
Thanks for writing this post. I, myself, had to quit my job back in 2007 to take care of my mom, but I took care of her when I was teenager too. My mom retired in Dec 2006 and died in april 2007. She never enjoyed what she thought was going to be a happy retirement. Caregivers need to come together and get support from each other. Today I went to the Puerto Rico Alzheimer Association support group of caregivers in my area and is amazing how much they need the space to vent their own pain and frustrations. Your post is a reflection of what I experienced today. Being a caregiver is tough during this difficult time, not only for financial issue, but for emotional issues too. Hopefully this iniative would grow and help others with other conditions as well.
As an expert in eldercare and advocacy for over 30 years I have seen pretty much everything, and literally have spent time with thousands of seniors and their families.
In my upcoming book “Behind the Old Face”, I will be describing in detail my vision for senior living and care that is unlike any of the current options and will solve many of the problems and issues seniors and familial and professional caregivers face, while reducing healthcare costs.
In the next couple weeks I will be releasing a M2E Book that will provide a preview to the full book. Follow my “Behind the Old Face- the book” profile on Facebook, or my blog at http://www.angiltarachrn.blogspot.com for updates. I am sure you will see how well my senior living and care vision will work for all seniors, no matter their income level.
We need to make significant changes that can only happen with work and advocacy, but they can be made.
I am working with Jared Rosen, the founder of Dreamsculpt, to develop the entire project which includes the M2E Book, full book, training program, nonprofit, and senior living and care vision. This project and this comment is not about me. It is about improving the treatment and care of the elderly now, and developing changes for the impending Baby Boomers, which I am a part of. I invite you to join me in advocacy so improvements will be made.
The current crisis is nothing compared to what’s coming if we don’t act and advocate now.
I enjoyed this article and shared in on my blog at http://www.ankota.com/blog/bid/72444/Elderly-Care-is-The-Unpoken-Crisis-in-America. Thanks!