I Don’t Hate You. I Didn’t Misunderstand You. I Just Don’t Like What You’re Doing
Imagine the following scenario with me, won’t you please?
It’s 1858, and you’re living in the Wild West, aka Illinois. There’s a pretty hotly contested senatorial race going on between the very well respected Democrat, Stephen A. Douglas, and some lanky dude named Abraham Lincoln. The two men have been engaging in debates all over the state, and they’re coming to your town. You’ve heard these things are pretty interesting, so you decide to go.
The first question is tossed out and Lincoln answers first. His response is thoughtful and creative and he really gets the crowd on his side. After he is done, it’s Douglas’ turn, and he rebuffs most of what Lincoln has said. The language is pretty sharp and pointed, but this guy really believes what he’s saying.
There’s a pregnant pause.
Then suddenly, Lincoln throws his hands up in the air, turns to the crowd in exasperation, and says, “I can’t talk to this guy. He’s just a hater!” Then Lincoln walks away.
That would be such a bummer, wouldn’t it?
Of course, the Lincoln-Douglas debates didn’t really go down that way. Both men were passionate about what they believed in. They had different ways of bringing their points to the crowds they talked to. But neither of them were reduced to to unprofessionalism on the platform, at least so far as the history books are concerned.
We could learn something here.
Debate, Civil Debate, is Extremely Fun
The fact of the matter is that debate, when conducted with care and civility, is actually really fun, especially if you’re truly passionate about what you’re saying. In the online world, there is plenty of stuff we could debate. We could debate how to follow people or unfollow people on Twitter. We could debate which platform is the most advantageous for parents or for business or for anything else. We could debate all kinds of stuff.
We could, in an ideal world.
Unfortunately, it seems the art of civil debate has fallen by the wayside just at the point when there is a medium that could accommodate it like no other.
Criticism that hits below the belt
Part of the problem is that a lot of people who could throw out a topic for debate instead throw sticks and stones. For example, instead of saying, “I disagree with what you said there,” people write posts or tweet, “Dude, what a dirt bag.” (OK, they don’t say dirt, but I’m not going to use the real word they say here). Instead of saying, “Here is why I think this person’s methodologies could be harmful,” people say, “Hey, you’re an a-hole and I hate you.”
It’s kind of hard to build a civil debate on that kind of foundation, right?
At the same time, though, people who may on occasion receive criticism, legitimate but perhaps sharply worded, have taken to reacting like they are Zeus come down from Olympus. “What? Um, are you saying I’m doing something wrong?” Sometimes people in the online world act as if disagreement is akin to being beaten up. They ask for sympathy when someone criticizes them. Other times still, disagreement is simply grouped into the ,”Well, I guess they hate me” category.
All of these things are useless. They make everybody look like toddlers (and I mean no offense to any toddlers who may read this).
Be open to being imperfect
When someone disagrees with you or criticizes something you are doing, do not automatically put all shields up and assume you are being attacked. Maybe someone has a legitimate point to make. Maybe someone is actually trying to protect you from making yourself look like a jerk, even if they don’t have the best way of verbalizing that. Here, repeat these things as your mantra.
“I am not being bullied if someone disagrees with me. I am just experiencing someone disagreeing with me.”
“Perhaps this person is offering sage wisdom. I will listen first and call them a hater later.” That rhymes so it’s more fun to say.
“Maybe I am not being misunderstood and maybe someone still doesn’t like this. Perhaps I need to look at this from their perspective.”
Practice saying those things to yourself. I mean, literally, aloud. Here, let’s try it right here. Do you disagree with what I’m saying here? I’m ready and waiting to add to my way of thinking, and I very probably will not hate you after you voice your opinion.
Have at it!
Image by B S K. http://www.sxc.hu/profile/spekulator
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Although I do think there’s some very dark stuff on the web that is hateful, I also think it’s inaccurate, and a shame, to label disagreement as coming from ‘the haters’ as quickly as some folk do. It’s an easy cop-out as you say, and it also fuels the idea the web-world is full of hate, which surely isn’t true.
It definitely isn’t, Joanna. I for the most part love the vibe of the online world. It’s why when it goes dark I get so frustrated – we all can do better, right? 🙂
Great blog Margie, your obsession with Lincoln remains steady I see! 🙂
Having said that I have just left a discussion forum because it did turn into a shark attack and feeding frenzy on me personally. I think groupthink is the thing which makes it bullying and often in discussions trying for an alternate point of view against a group is the hardest leadership challenge and sometimes too exhausting.
Ali I can’t picture anyone being mean to you. That is ridiculous!! And I kind of want to beat those folks up on your behalf. Hmph. Sorry to hear you had to experience that.
And yes, my love of Lincoln will very likely never wane 🙂 I hope not, anyway!
Hi Margie,
This line:
“Unfortunately, it seems the art of civil debate has fallen by the wayside just at the point when there is a medium that could accommodate it like no other.”
Is so true and so sad.
I wish every one could read Anything You Want by Derek Sivers – particularly the part where he illustrates the point that although you may be shouting at a computer screen and typing various unpleasantries into your browser at the other end is a real, live, vulnerable, emotional human being.
Would you call them an “insert expletive of choice here” if you were sat in a coffee shop discussing a political news item? So why do it on the web…
It’s easy (and cowardly) to be unpleasant via the browser. The interaction may be virtual but the pain and upset caused can be all to real (and I don’t want to grow a skin like a Rhino).
And as you say such juvenile back and forth also stifles intelligent debate and diminishes the value of the social web to an alarming degree.
Great post Margie – well said.
Simon
I absolutely agree, Simon. I think it’s very, very easy to just feel like you’re interacting with a 2D avatar, but there’s a whole person behind that face. I always try to be acutely aware of that. You can get into a kind of online trance after awhile – it’s important to remain present as you do all of that typing!
Great post Margie!
Thanks, sir.
I love useful dissent. What I can’t stand is all the sniping and complaining for its own sake, plus the obvious competitor-seeking-to-slam posts. Because I get so much of the latter, and never ever ever from someone who’s a potential customer, but only from people who offer similar services, it’s just not interesting.
Further, debate doesn’t move the ball forward for me. It distracts me from doing whatever new thing I can do to discover a potential new solution for a client.
Hi Chris,
I agree. You receive an obscenely large amount of hate posts, all of which make me want to pull my face off. I can’t understand why people spend time being icky about other people. If you dislike someone that much, why offer them PR on your blog site? Makes no sense to me.
Sadly, there are cases where the criticism is valid and the response makes me want to tear my face off.
Really I just want to be able to stop pulling my face off when I’m online. It’s really messy and I’ve gone through several keyboards now 🙂
Hi Margie – I’m so happy you wrote this post. I see a lot of unbecoming behavior on Twitter and, frankly, it is making me turn away from that platform more and more. I think the 140 limit makes folks believe that they can only resort to caustic words instead of cogent ones. Also, the problem with Twitter is the desire to be smart or say something smart ALL THE TIME because you don’t know when the next chance will be that you’ll get to impress that luminary that you’ve had your eye on for a while.
So, what to do? I’m going to live in a happy place and believe we’re going to reclaim civil discourse!
If only I just saw this behavior on Twitter 🙂
Sadly, I think the Blogosphere is a lot worse for this kind of behavior, and in those cases character limitations are definitely (DEFINITELY!!) not the issue. I agree with what Simon said above – we just need to remember we’re all people. Poor innocent people 🙂
If you are lucky enough to do what you love, and you are long in the tooth (I’m speaking for myself), it’s much easier to watch all the fireworks out there and just remain quiet and constant.
Really good comment from Mr. Brogan.
Thanks, Margie, for the good read and for setting such a great example for me.
I hear ya there, Susie. If only George Carlin had gotten around to commenting on the online world…:)
Simply love to hear “constructive” debate; it doesn’t matter if I agree or disagree if the arguement is constructed logically.
Yep, it’s fun stuff!
Here’s a thought. Effective communication is rooted in understanding one another. This is why I love personality type indicators. In particular, I love DISC. It’s just a personal preference. DISC helps me understand people better. So, rather than thinking someone is crazy, close-minded, aloof or whatever, I understand what they really are – coming from a different point of view. We don’t usually have the benefit online of hearing the way someone says something or understand the environment they’re in while typing. The fact of the matter is someone under stress at work may answer/comment/tweet/post quite differently than when relaxed at home. So, perhaps we should all just Skype. =)
That’s a question I often get from people who avoid the online world like the plague. “How can you tell who someone really is by the way they tweet or blog?” There is so much we learn about people by hearing the tones in their voice or by looking at their facial expressions. We miss all of that online. All of it. And we bring our own projections of people wherever we go. Lord help us there, eh? 🙂
Even in current politics, I am still surprised at what passes for debate. Civil discourse/debate…yes, we know what that is, your readers here know. But its foundation is in the study of logic, and learning to distinguish valid arguments from fallacies. I actually think that this should be introduced to kids some time around middle school age. It would give them a tool to not only be wise consumers, and astute voters, but I believe it’s key to healthy relationships as well. Mis dos centavos. An excellent and necessary post. Uhh… dude, you rock! 😎
Yes, sadly, politicians are the worst possible offenders in this arena, and they do it face-to-face. I guess that sort of defeats what Joel and I were talking about above, huh. Hmm. I think the world is a super scary place these days. There’s a lot of uncertainty and a lot of pressure…so much pressure. That’s an awful combination. Maybe that’s why we’re all so impatient. Dunno.
Thanks!
“Effective communication is rooted in understanding one another.” – Joel Fortner –
I agree with this completely, although I would refine it a bit to say that a willingness to understand is a prerequisite. That pretty much rules out the politicians, who have to tow the party line and ‘represent’ for their major campaign contributors. So that’s probably the last place we’ll see change.
But I agree that there is fear, and anger and frustration that seems to be at the root of all the impatient lashing out at others. The source of that is a question much on my mind.
Cheers and Happy Tuesday!
Great post Margie. I love discussion and debate. In fact, my mom swears I used to pick an opposite opinion in the house just for the fun of arguing, However, I agree with you on the polarization that seems to have gone on in the public discourse is very different from discussion and debate. There is a way to listen to others, consider points they make without being weak — in fact, I would say it makes one strong to suggest they may learn something from other opinions and information they may have that you haven’t previously considered. I hope that when I make that mistake friends will point it out and remind me to open my mind a bit.
Love your perspective … it’s a fresh way of thinking through how to take feedback. Well done. Jim
I have a simple rule: agree or disagree with issues, not people.
When we cross paths, I will likely hug you. It will totally be because of this post. Debate is clearly a lost, yet needed art.
Not to disagree with Kaarina, but I actually think that old philosophy of punk the idea not the person is actually part of the problem. With all of us doing this under our own name and when you consider many of our companies and brands are our actual name, the rules have to change. You have to be respectful, but you have to be able to challenge anything. There are no limits to what can be challenged, only how you challenge them.