I had a teacher one year who always insisted that quizzes and tests were “learning experiences.” This was supposed to calm those of us down who suffered from severe test and quiz anxiety. Yeah, okay, I was in that crowd. It really didn’t help me settle down though. A learning experience…learning how to take tests? Learning how to succeed? Learning how to fail? Why couldn’t I just have a learning experience by reading what I wanted to learn about? Life is hard when you’re a teen.
Fast forward a decade or two and I find myself looking back on this last week and thinking, “THAT was a learning experience.”
See, two really interesting online things happened this week. The first was that I hosted my first ever controversial post – one that I didn’t even write. The second interesting thing is that someone sort of called me out in the open Twitter stream. Because I have always tried to verbalize what I learn here as I learn things, I thought I would talk a little bit about both of these “events.”
Your Online Presence Is Made Of Sand, Not Stone
On Tuesday, my friend Nicole Fende posted here with some of her views about Occupy Wall Street. I had posted over the weekend that I wasn’t seeing a lot of posts on the subject, at least in my segment of the online world, and that sparked her desire to write about it. Nicole comes from the banking perspective but also sympathizes with the protestors, and she presented (I thought) some numerical observations on the ongoing debate across the nation. Her post may have been abrasive in some places, and it was certainly passionate, but I thought it was great for two reasons. First, she was bravely voicing her opinion about something that has nothing to do with social media. Second, she was starting the conversation here.
Little did I expect the nuclear fall-out that went on all day on Tuesday. I was hoping for a great conversation, and for the *most* part that is I think what happened. At the end of Tuesday, and looking at it now, what exists on this site is a pretty clear picture of a lot of different perspectives about a lot of different things going on in the US and in the world. I am proud of that. What I could not stomach was the fact that a few comments really strayed far away from what was necessary in the conversation. Some people insinuated that the post, and the fact I had published it, meant the end of my reputation as a credible blogger. Others started attacking Nicole personally, well beyond the scope of where the debate should have been.
For a year and a half, nearly, I have used this blog to emphasize the value of listening to multiple points of view. I have begged and pleaded with people not to be nasty (because let’s face it, you’re the one who ends up looking like a jerk). I have worked very hard to become a credible resource here and wherever I go online. But in one day, and with one post, there was enough fuel for some to doubt my credibility, or for some to doubt that I had thought carefully about my actions in putting the post here. With one post, because of one thing that some viewed as a misstep, everything I had built over the last year was overshadowed.
Maybe I should not have been taken aback by that. However, I was. But I’m glad it went down that way, because it taught me how fickle the world of social media can be. One thing that you do that someone doesn’t like can be enough to make you a persona non grata to them. Even if you have helped them and always been kind, one false move and you can become the villain.
Know When To Hold ‘Em, Know When To Fold ‘Em
The other interesting event was that a person publicly criticized me on Twitter for adding LiveFyre to my site. Β Somehow, the conversation evolved into an accusation that I am creating a cliquey, gated community here where people have to sign in to comment. My response that I hope this can help my now numerous guest bloggers engage with comments did not do anything to dissuade this person that I had committed a major faux pas.
I knew that adding a 3rd-party commenting system here would be a pretty big change, and I am not saying I will stick with it forever – I continue to ask you for feedback because you, my readers, are the ones who matter. However, I did not expect accusations to fly my way that I was trying to close this blog off from people who ordinarily might have wanted to comment. I did not expect to be grouped with a sort of elitist, snobby crowd after all I have done to try to engage with anyone who comes my way.
Although the scenario was different, the lesson remains the same. No matter how hard you try on a day-to-day, minute-to-minute basis to build a reputation online, one person can see something you do, dislike it, and immediately change their perspective of you. Not only that, but they can present that opinion to other people who may not know you, and a different kind of reputation can be born.
Had I not taken my own advice and disengaged from the conversation, the situation could have become much worse. I knew when to fold my cards.
The Ultimate Thing To Remember
I get a fair amount of chiding in the online world. Some people say I’m too nice, others say I’m too boring. Some say I’m a sycophant, others say that I don’t do this, that, or the other thing enough. I suspect this will just increase the longer I stick around here. But the point is that I fully intend on sticking around here. This week has taught me that although it’s a painful truth, you just can’t please everyone. No matter what you do, you’re gonna tick someone off. You’re gonna switch someone from liking to disliking you. Maybe passionately. It has become clear that in the online world, and probably in the offline world too, you just have to be okay with that. The only real bummer is if you sell out on yourself.
Don’t even think about it.
Image by Konrad MaΕka. http://www.sxc.hu/profile/konrach
My argumentation teacher refered to his tests as “knowledge festivals.” π
Anyway, That’s something I learned as well a long time ago. Sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away, especially if they’re vehement about whatever it is they’re talking about. You’re not going to change their minds, and some people just want to bitch.
@JTDabbagian yep, that is true. When the points being made have very little to do with anything real, it’s time to disengage. No doubt.
Thanks!
I wanna pump my fist in your general direction in support of this post. Every blog has its growing pains and I have never for one second doubted your credibility — i respect your opinion and most of all love the way you respect the opinions of others.
@OneJillian Why thank you m’dear. So lovely to see you here. I really appreciate it!
keep doing what you’re doing @Margieclayman! I like the livefyre addition by the way. thanks JA
@jburdadams hah thanks sir! π
Margie,
Regarding Nicole’s guest post…you gave us all a “learning experience.” Think about it. So many people were able to meet and discuss our own experiences, feelings, and goals as we work our way through these trying times. I am thankful for having had the opportunity to just talk.
Regarding “livefyre”, my feeling is that it is your blog and you need to manage it as you see fit. It does sometimes confuse me, depending on the browser. But then, so does Luv Comment. And, at least maybe with Livefyre I will stay out of the spam bucket! LOL.
In a few hours the sun will set here in Tucson. Have a restful weekend. I am honored to have you as a friend.
Judy
@JudyHelfand Thanks Judy. In retrospect, I think it ended up being far more positive than negative. For the most part, the conversation remained on the issue and in very interesting and informative ways. As I told Nicole, no regrets!
And thank you. You are lovely.
Margie,
After I write this I’m going to “catch up” on what has been going on while I was out chasing Grizzly Bears around! I am so sorry to hear that you were “slammed” in any way, anywhere. I listened and read you for months before I was brave enough to speak up and introduce myself. I don’t always have anything to share… well, because I just don’t have anything to add or am only beginning to understand the subject!
What I do know is this, there are always people who’ll ride the fence. There are always people who will get personal, rather than have a discussion because they don’t really have anything to add or back up a different opinion. And there are ALWAYS people who WILL tell you that you did SOMETHING wrong. (It is almost funny how they are also NOT the ones to point out what good and right you do.)
I’m proud to know you, Margie. I’m happy I grew a set tough enough to introduce myself. I’ve learned a lot watching and listening to you and I am proud of you for being true to who you are. A classy lady.
(I’m so glad to be home!!)
~Amber-Lee
@girlygrizzly I’m so glad you introduced yourself too!! You’re a really lovely person and I’ve missed you!
Thank you for your very kind words and it’s great to see you back here π
Margie,
You might be the single nicest person on the internet. However, you, just like everyone else cannot please everyone all of the time. It is just not possible.
People who go out of their way to be disagreeable are not happy within themselves most times. They would rather be right than happy.
I am going to go look at the Occupy Wall Street post. I wanted to and I forgot. I work near Wall Street so I do follow it in the news. Like I said before, you can’t please everyone, and this is a very polarizing issue.
@NancyD68 Hi Nancy,
Yeah, you are right on the money there. Nobody can please everybody. I thought that by tip-toeing along and trying not to ruffle feathers that I’d avoid any conflicts, but even the most careful people end up getting burned every once in awhile. So long as it doesn’t totally throw you for a loop, I think it can only be a good thing.
Thank you for your kind words!
Hi Margie. I think what you’ve done is great. You’ve really opened yourself up and shared your reaction to 2 challenging situations that you had this week. That’s not easy especially in the face of already taking “heat”. You sum up what I think is whole point of this in your last paragraph and sentence and that as long as you are true to yourself, let people think what they want. And I agree, nasty comments just hurt the people who write them, not who read them.
If anything, creating a blog is about creating followers and developing community. People have a choice of where they “hangout”. Now you’ve got people who really choose to be here and not just follow the crowd. Those are true followers and community members.
Well done.
@Craig Morton Very kind words and I very much appreciate them, Craig. I really do have one of the best online communities I know of. Every day it’s a privilege to see who I get to talk to and exchange ideas with. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. And if a few people out there think I’m yucky, well, you can’t let a tiny speck ruin the whole great sea, right? π
Margie, You are one Classy Lady! This post made my heart ache and tears came to my eyes! You speak against Bullies and you get bullied, You try to start conversations and people with closed minds start swinging. I can’t believe someone would blast you because of a choice you made. Loved the last paragraph! “Stay True To Yourself”! Keep blog’n I enjoy what you have to say! ξ²
@dabarlow Aw, thanks Denise. No reason to be teary. These things happen in the online world. I thought they would not happen to me, but you know, I 100% seriously am glad that I have learned these lessons, not only for myself but also so I could pass them along. It’s worth it in those lights.
Thanks again π
ameenafalchetto encouraged me with similar words about not being able to please everyone yesterday. Apparently, I’m supposed to hear this message and let it permeate my being.
Thanks, Margie, for sharing your lessons and difficulties this week. I thought you did a very nice job with crowd control on Tuesday. If people started to question your character, perhaps they don’t know you very well. I haven’t read very many of your posts (yet), but you seem to think and care about things deeply.
@Erin F. Thanks Erin. Isn’t it funny how that happens sometimes? It’s like learning a new word and suddenly seeing it everywhere. Glad this resonated with you.
Margie – I’m fascinated by this, not because of what happened, but because a nearly identical situation happened in another group I follow. An intelligent, articulate and fairly well-known blogger posted something…and it blew up. What was different is he DID engage the person on the other end and what transpired was truly thought provoking. In the end, the blogger tried to extricate himself and the other person took his ball and went home. Heh.
Does any of this matter? Well, considering that one of the bedrock notions of our country is the freedom of speech, of course it does. And that’s MY point: where did freedom of speech go wrong? When did we, as a society stop being civil? I’m troubled by the often immediate personal attacks that occur when someone says something even slightly off the mainstream. (I’ve had this happen w/followers on Twitter) Why is that? Are we becoming so closed-minded that we have to defend ourselves by lashing out? Doesn’t matter if it’s Occupy Wall Street, politics or Miracle Whip vs. Mayo…we should be able to voice our opinions without fear of personal attacks. They don’t address the issue at hand, and I think often prove that the person on the other end is unable to articulate a cogent argument; they just want their opinion heard and accepted.
I said it before, and I’ll say it again: you are the voice of reason. You are also one very tough cookie.
@ArchivalBiz It’s definitely a bummer. I think the line for me is that you can disagree with me all you want. You can even disagree “Just cuz” if you want. But where the freedom of speech argument doesn’t hold is when you start disagreeing and then tossing things out like, “you’re stupid” or things along those lines. Yes you’re free to say those things, but it adds nothing to the conversation, at least in my opinion.
Thank you very much for your kind words!!
I try to remember what my grandmother taught me: “You can please some of the people all of the time, all of the people some of the time, but NEVER all of the people all of the time.” Margie, you are one of the nicest people in the world. This comes across in your social media interactions. You give advice freely and teach us much. You help us understand things that are new to us. You teach us humility, passion, history and new perspectives. And… I love your song analogies. π Keep on doing what you have been doing. Let us continue to learn, enjoy and engage! Thank you for helping me gain a better perspective of the world from social media.
@virtuallyjm Wow, thank you so very much. Your words truly soothe my soul. Thank you thank you!!
Margie being the other participant in the Tuesday learning experience it was fascinating to read your take on it. While many may be surprised to hear it, I was not expecting the ensuing result either. However looking back it did inspire a discussion, one that I firmly believe we need to find a way to fix things that are wrong in this country. I certainly hope that all those who commented felt I heard their input and did my best to engage respectfully on their thoughts and reactions.
Regarding livefyre I didn’t even know some people thought it was elitist. I personally prefer CommentLuv, but don’t understand how livefyre would keep you from commenting.
Your summary is spot on. I’d rather have someone in my life who says what they mean and doesn’t sell out, than someone who always agrees with me (You should hear the debates my awesome hubby and I have – hoo boy!). You’re no sellout, and I’m looking forward to hearing what comes next.
@NicoleFende thanks Nicole. I think a lot of people dislike commenting systems where you have to log in, but all commenting systems are kind of awkward in that way. What i like about LiveFyre and Disqus is that once you’re logged in, you can comment anywhere. With Comment Luv and basic blogspot or WordPress systems, you have to register for each site, which is more typing to do.
As for Tuesday, as I said at the time and as I maintain now, I have no regrets. I applaud you for being brave and responding to the situation as you did.
Margie, you are one of the smartest, kindest and most generous people I have encountered on the ‘interwebs.’ Your work and your imprint speak volumes. You are admirable in every respect and, most importantly (IMHO), you are true to yourself. Thank you for all you do and share, Ms. Margie. Somethings there are just instances that don’t deserve the credibility that YOU provide, merely by responding!
@SusieBlackmon gosh, thanks so much, Susie. You are wonderful! π
Hey Margie,
Just keep on keeping on. If you don’t mind it don’t matter is my philosophy. I’m actually kind of glad this happened let me explain why.
I had a very similar situation happen to me. In my infinite wisdom I thought it would be a great idea to have a discussion in my chat about race relations. I mean come on I’m a well meaning person what could possibly go wrong? I have great followers who are very intellectual there’s no way there could be a problem right? Boy was I naive.
Overall the chat went well and we did flush out some worthwhile issues but right as we got started someone joined the chat and through out some huge red herrings, personally attacked a few in the chat and turned the whole thing 180 degrees from my original intention. I tried to respectfully engage with the individual but it just made things worse.
I too learned some valuable lessons. The most important is that almost everyone has my back. There will always be those who don’t but you just have to ignore them and pay attention to the ones who do.
Those who truly care about you Margie will have your back through thick and through thin. The rest eh it’s their loss because that leaves more of you for the rest of us:)
Oh and I forgot the most important part. When all was said and done I thought wow I bet Margie would never do something this stupid with her chat. And then I see that you too were embroiled in some controversy (not in a chat but in your blog) that gave you some angst so it made me feel like we bonded in a weird way.
@Fierce_living I can’t imagine bonding with you much more than we already have π It’s a shame that we can’t talk safely about things like religion, race, and politics online. They are some of my favorite subjects, but it seems like people are so ready to be attacked or offended that they just come out fighting. It’s very sad. But perhaps if we keep trying to have civil conversations the concept will spread. Maybe it’s worth a shot, eh?
@Fierce_living amen… Margie we have your back!
Whew, I’m glad I didn’t pick Tuesday………….
Interesting topic however because in my post I talk about developing friendships, but do you think that maybe because it’s social the relationships aren’t as deep as we thing they are; too easy to flip?
I have probably experienced 3 ‘unexpected’ and not so nice things happen so far. It’s those type of incidents that ‘toughen up your skin’ in here.
If we stay true to ourselves and our purpose, then everything outside of that is just noise.
You just tell me if I need to take anybody out for you………………
@bdorman264 You know, this is about the third time in the past two weeks that someone I know has made some sort of mafia reference…
@Erin F. In my best Marlon Brando Godfather voice ‘it’s all about the family’…..:)
Margie (although I reserve the right to call you by your now given rapper name MC Media),
Wow, miss a little miss a lot. I hope to read all of Tuesday’s post and comments and add my own thoughts in the stream, but let me add some support about your addition of livefyre:
Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Still someone chose to criticize you about livefyre on Twitter? I looooove twitter but it has it’s limitations. If Moses had access to Twitter, the movie starring Charlton Heston would have been titled “The 1/2 Commandment”. If someone feels you’ve done wrong on your blog, it’s hard to take the critique seriously when limited to 140. As for people having to sign in, as a frequent commenter I find signing in worth the trade for the utility Livefyre provides. As a blogger and someone that occasionally expresses an opinion, I like that folks have to sign in. If you believe in what you are saying, put your name to it. If you require anonymity for your comments, the internet is a crappy choice of forum. I can’t wait for Livefyre to be available for Blogger. I plan on adding it. So there, if you believe in something, express in a forum that allows for true discussion and put your name on it. As for you MC Media, just keep going, it’s all good.
Margie, I witnessed the back and forth on the livefyre issue. I felt that you handled that with great aplomb given the tone of the conversation. It’s a very valid lesson. You will never please everyone, stay true to your values and principles. Never allow others to dictate how you roll. Opinions are like…you know that one. It is through these lessons that we learn and grow, as you very well know. I applaud the discussion and there is nothing wrong with taking a stand. If your readers, followers are loyal, they will stick with you. If not, then the connection was never real in the first place. Thanks, Margie. Great lesson.