Reclaiming my love of the online world
I have a confession to make. Yesterday’s post about feeling like maybe blogging isn’t the best way to use my time – it wasn’t the 100% whole story. Since I’ve always been pretty darned truthful with you, I thought I should fill in the rest of the story.
See, something really been bothering me for the last month and a half. And I would like to talk to you about it.
Right around Labor Day, a very well-respected man named Trey Pennington took his own life. Friends of his had been seeing all of the signs that Trey was in danger, but he seemed to be getting better. Those of us who did not know him well found out that he had tried to take his life once before, earlier in the summer. These were shocking revelations, because from my point of view, all I knew of Trey was that he was well-respected, well-liked, and well-admired.
Even though I did not know Trey well, I was quite taken aback by his passing. He was one of those people I had always wanted to get to know better, and I figured, as we so often do, that I’d have that chance. However, since I had only exchanged one very brief set of ideas with Trey over my year in the online world, I didn’t figure that any outpouring of grief on my own behalf would really make sense. I reached out to those who had been true friends of Trey’s and offered my support to them.
Then, two things I had thought were unthinkable happened. First, people started trying to ride Trey’s death as a way to get more traffic to their blogs. And second, people showed, in some situations, such a shocking lack of care for the people around them that I considered leaving the online world – it had become a dirty and marred place for me. It felt like I was sitting in a really muddy reservoir.
The very worst thing I witnessed during the week or 2 that followed was an exchange on a blog post where Trey’s brother was actually popping in from time to time. He was preparing the funeral arrangements for his brother, and what met him was a person who was hurling accusations at Trey and at his friends. Essentially, the person was saying that Trey got what he deserved. An ugly, divisive exchange of words followed in the comment section, all of which Trey’s brother was witness to. All while he was preparing to bury his brother.
Have you ever been out in a restaurant or just walking around town and the person you’re with is acting like a complete idiot? You kind of want to pretend you don’t know them, right?
That’s the way I felt about witnessing all of that ugliness. I still would have been upset about it, regardless, because it was gratuitously unnecessary, but the fact that Trey’s brother had to see all of that, it just made me feel ashamed on behalf of the online world that I am involved in.
To be 100% honest, I still have not really gotten back to the love of the online world that I had before that moment. Every ugly spat I see just adds to that one big mess. And it makes me feel ashamed.
What can we do to get that loving feeling back?
Of course, there is a lot about the online world that I love. The percentage of stuff I enjoy outweighs, but a long shot, the stuff that gets me down.
So when you are feeling kind of burnt out on this here world, how can you get that love for online communication back? The easiest answer is to concentrate on the people, at least for me. How could I dislike something or be ashamed of something that ended up in me meeting people like Sherree Worrell, my 12 most friends, powerful women like Carol Roth, or super duper spitfires like Lisa Barone and Gini Dietrich? How can I hate something that allows me to talk to people from the Philippines (hi Danny), Malaysia (hi Jan), Australia (Hi Sandra), and Canada (hi everyone else!)?
Beyond that though, you can confront whatever is getting you down. In this case, it was utter thoughtlessness, rudeness, incivility, and crudeness that made me feel yucky about the online world. So what am I going to do about it? I’m going to work hard to try to show people that social media can be used for a lot of neat things, none of which revolve around making other people feel poopy. There’s a whole brave new world out there of ways we can use this technology to make the world a better place, and that excitement…that thought…that is what makes me proud to be a part of this world.
What do you think? Can we wipe those shadows and cobwebs away and make the online world shine?
Image by Shannon Pifko. http://www.sxc.hu/profile/SEPpic
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I think the online world has a lot of potential being a very supportive place…… thank you for sharing your feelings…you made me think about some of my posts….
@Larissa Thanks Larissa. Glad to hear it…I think 🙂
Great post from the heart! I’m astounded that this all happened and the insensitivity of it. I feel for Trey’s brother and all his friends! The good folks like yourself is what attracted me to Twitter, blogs etc. Keep it up, the great people like yourself will out shine the ones that are so insensitive mean and have hidden agendas. Thank You!
@dabarlow Yeah. Ford’s work allowed us to fume our private resentments in our own private getaway vehicles. Gates’ and Jobs’ inventions allowed us to do the same with any apparatus and a wi-fi signal.
@dabarlow Thanks sweet Denise. You rock!!
Hey Margie,
I can totally empathize. There are days that my Twitter stream or various blogs brings on immediate depression. I go back to one of my favorite phrases- “Walk away from the crazy”. Do what you can to eliminate those who are bringing you down- remove them from your stream, don’t frequent blogs where they play and focus on those that you enjoy.
xo
Oh, and one more thing- this is a great reminder that we never really know what is going on behind the scenes. Never assume that anyone is one-dimensional. We all have issues going on- some are worse than others, especially at certain times. What you see on the outside isn’t necessarily a reflection of what’s going on inside another person’s head or in their life
@caroljsroth Yep, this is a great point as well. It’s why I try to always assume the best in people. We can never know what’s really going on beyond that computer screen. It might be better than it seems, or it could be worse. Why risk it is what I say 🙂
@caroljsroth A good point! many work actively to avoid sharing anything even remotely sad or negative in their stream, we don’t always see the entire person.
@caroljsroth Hi Carol. Thank you very much for the comment. That seems to be a common line of thinking – remove the toxins, even if they are people!
Here’s what I’m thinking about this @margieclayman http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iDa5-WFUS8
@CateTV I’m always so honored when you share one of your video posts with me. Thank you thank you!! 🙂
The online world has included all the defective people from the offline world since it was invented. In order to “make the online world shine,” we would have to eradicate all the trolls from the planet. That would be nice, but until it happens, my best advice is, “Don’t feed the trolls!”
@Angelique yeah, even though they seem really really hungry 🙂
People get grumpy about ideologies and money. I don’t know this man, but it is a tragic example of the amazing disparity between who we “are” and the “persona” (the self we project), as it finds new connotation in the digital campfire.
I hold great hope for “cultural renewal.” I think building culture through posts, (mindful!) sharing, curating, new text .
I think there is a “social crash” on one hand: finding meaning and identity online is sad and misleading; finding people to socialize with has always and will always continue after a catastrophe. Unfortunately catastrophe leads the way to make things new again.
@Mark_Robertson Boy, that is the ultimate in pragmatic thinking. I’d like to think it’s a little more cheerful than that, but you could be right. The only way humans appreciate things is through catastrophe. Sheesh. What a bummer!
@margieclayman or catastrophe throws the trash (cyberbullying, hucksterism, advertorialism, faux fame) in the garbage. The stuff of value remains.
I’m glad you didn’t leave. But I can relate to exactly how you’re feeling. Sometimes we need to take that break. I tweeted something very similar to the sentiment of this post after Steve Jobs passed.
http://twitter.com/#!/LisaBarone/status/121941597238726656
Sometimes it all becomes too much and you have to go away for awhile. Too much angry, too much sadness, to many “clever” comments made at the expense of people who don’t deserve it. And that’s okay to protect yourself and leave it for awhile. But do find your way back. Because there are good people here and people who want to hear your voice in the madness. I know, I do.
I am so confused. I see this comment here but it doesn’t show up on the post. Ah well.
Anyway, thank you so much Lisa. I’m so glad that I’m not the only person who runs into these times in the online world. Just when I think I’ve learned everything, something comes back to bite me in the butt 🙂
Margie, all great feedback and advice here. I will say that what yuo share is one (or maybe a few) people who where awful. One person does not make a community. When things got nutty back in late summer. I was going through lots of personal things as well and just took a break–then resolved to rebuild a different online community for myself. I had to move away from the negative and seek out new, more positive folks. Unlike high school, we are not stuck in one cafeteria with one table that lets us sit with them. If we don’t like what someone is saying we can choose to stand up to them, walk away and build a better place. We need to be the change…
@susangiurleo well said, Doktah Gee. And I didn’t let one or two apples ruin the whole pie, but it has been sort of weighing on me. Now I feel better 🙂
Margie,
Unfortunately the ugly will always be with us. I cannot worry about them, however, and do everything in my power to separate myself from anyone who is “nasty” as soon as I run into them. I have been very fortunate not to have encountered very many in my online network.
I am glad you did not leave the internet world. If you did, then the nasty ones win. Honestly, the only way to overcome them is to outnumber them and keep putting positive Karma into the cyber world.
I shared some very private information with you and the simple fact that I shared helped me immensely. Before May of this year I too was overcome with suicidal thoughts and the only thing that saved me was getting involved in social media. I cannot speak for Trey, but the only thing that saved me was my desire to try to find another way. Nobody but me could save me. I found the passion that was lacking in my life and began to meet very positive people who doing great things. I am very happy to say I no longer have those thoughts except in fleeting moments and I can now address the by talking to people who I know care. I had isolated myself from every single on of my friends but have now started to engage with them again. I could go on and on about this but I won’t 🙂
You can never give up your passions because there are a few bad apples. Like I said they will always be there but their influence will increase if the people with positive contributions allow them to negatively influence them. I have no time for them.
@Fierce_living That’s a very important point, Jim, and something else that a lot of people missed in the fall-out. People were laying the blame at the feet of Trey’s friends and family. Well, that’s not fair. People tried to help him, but if you don’t have the will, no one can give it to you. In the end, we come into the world on our own and that is how we go out.
That being said, I am so so so very glad you are still here. You are a delight to know, sir.
Can we wipe the shadows away? Of course we can. We all have to raise the bar in how we treat and approach each other. Susan is correct, one person does not a community make. But we all have to be on the same page.
Most of us don’t know each other personally, so we have to be a little careful,about our opinions about people’s provate lives and their private pain. This does not mean that we cannot speak the truth about what we know, but we need to concentrate on the issues and stop attacking the people.
We have an additional luxury here in the online world. if someone doesn’t fit into your world, I mean they really irk you every time you see their face :), stay away, disconnect, un-follow, move the hell on. Don’t try to marshall your forces to bring that person down (to your level). Go bother someone else. But that’s just my humble opinion.
If you don’t know the facts, shut up.
It’s not just about driving traffic to YOUR site, it’s about building a community of people who are very smart, and helpful. If you are still stuck in junior high school-mode and want to build a clique, find people who want to do that. Most of us don’t.
There is the potential to make something truly great out of this.
@martinamcgowan
@Doc_1@martinamcgowan There is a great Native American philosopher named Jamie Sams who notes that sometimes people are just plain toxic. You need to find a way to get away from them, because no matter what you say or how hard you try, they will just always try to bring you down. And you’re right, in the online world it seems a bit easier just to move on 🙂 Thanks Martina!
@margieclayman@martinamcgowan
We would all like to think that toxic people don’t exist, but they do.
But thanks for the name. I’ll have to look into his writings.
@Doc_1@martinamcgowan Wonderful response!
@girlygrizzly@martinamcgowan
Thanks, girly 🙂
Hi Margie,
Unfortunately whether you are online offline there are people who are simply not nice. While it’s important to be realistic about that, I believe it is also important to focus on what you can impact. You are already doing that, your response to the Trey Pennington fallout is a great example. Just by speaking out against “poopy” behavior we reinforce what is right and what is not.
While it would be great to change everything this instant, that isn’t practical. Pick the issue that is nearest and dearest to your heart and each day take one action (even a very small one) towards changing it. Every marathon starts with the first step.
BTW you are the only blogger I know who can use “poopy” in her posts and still be serious and introspective 🙂
@NicoleFende Yes, I am aiming to give a better sense of sophistication to the word “poopy.” I think it gets the point across without using all of the nasty words people tend to use in online spaces, non? 🙂 Plus, it prevents my serious posts from becoming a little too serious, which is always good!
I’m seriously glad I missed out on the disgraceful behavior you witnessed & my heart goes out to Trey’s family. We need to remember that the internet is like a electronic watering hole, some who gather will be acting out of the desolation & pain of their own existances, others motivated by what they can get for themselves no matter the cost to other people. We also need to remember the many acts of good, of true warmth & sharing & we must hold those people close to us.
Marg, you are such a person, this was a beautifully honest, keeping it real post, a pleasure to read, thank you!
@geekbabe Thanks. I like that analogy – a watering hole, or maybe a water cooler, right? And you never know who’s coming up behind you. Best to keep any unkind things to yourself. Or so it seems to me, anyway!
Beautiful and inspiring picture, Margie! How sweet and perfect.
Hang in there, pal. I truly believe much of what was happening is our own version of survivor’s guilt. It was so terribly sad and tragic. What you experienced was a terrible shame and even more so for Trey’s family, I am sure. I love this new world as much as I feel you do, so I can imagine how it must have hit you on so many levels. Your friend, “geekbabe” summed it up wonderfully and I agree with you (good reminder for all of us) that when things get bad, hard or become something distasteful- focus on the people. Reach out, know we are here for you every bit as much as you are here for us.
~Amber-Lee
@girlygrizzly You always say the sweetest things. I need to put your comments in my pocket for when I have a bad day!!
Thank you!!!
I have found such an amazing supportive community in the blogosphere. When I occasionally run across someone being rude online, I am absolutely blown away! Naysayers don’t belong; if you’re not contributing in a positive way to the conversation, then log off! It’s usually one detractor out of 30 commenters that ruins the tone of the entire stream. I am drawn to the online world because of the positive uplifting community I’ve found there. Shame on those who try to ruin it with their cynical remarks!
@dougricesmbiz Well said, Doug. Couldn’t agree more!
I was once told that with everything in the world there has to be a balance. I am not sure exactly how to explain what they said, but it was something like this. Wherever there is something amazingly good there will also be something amazingly bad. Extremes, Polar opposites etc, apparently they have to exist.
I have seen conversations online that I can only hope would never take place in the offline world, but maybe they do. It seems there are people who will say horrible things online. So I can only assume that this awfulness exists becasue it balances the super wonderful things that are possible online. I am not sure this really helps me though.
I have also heard many stories where the point is that there is neither good nor bad. Everything just is, and it is only our interpretation that makes it good or bad. A philosophy that is probably very difficult to integrate unless you are the dali lama but an interesting one.
@RSA Course You are right. There are spikes and dips in the online world. Nothing is too bad, nothing is too good. But you sometimes need to take that breath and pull back to look at the big picture. That there is the tricky part 🙂
Yes we can, but you will still have some A-holes who will dampen your enthusiasm. I have had a couple of instances where I saw some friends attacked on line for no reason and it gave me an unsettled, jaded feeling. However, it happens in real life too. I suggest going out and being the best we can be by setting a good example and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe that’s naive, but it’s my approach.
Guess what I did last night?……….I got to meet Ms Gini in person for the first time at the PSRA event in Orlando. Adam Toporek and I were able to catch up with her an hour before the TweetUp she was helping host and we had a blast. It was fun indeed; so when are you coming to Florida?
@bdorman264 oh man. I would have SO loved to be there!!!!
Florida keeps coming up in my conversations. It might have to become a must for 2012 🙂
What hit me hardest about Trey Pennington’s suicide was the paradox of him having 100,000+ followers and 5,000 Facebook friends (not to mention considerable admiration among social media celebrities) and still feeling so alone and overwhelmed by his problems that he killed himself in a church.
Depression is a disease. I get it. But that does not preclude further feeling, thought, and prayer on the variety of questions and problematics that his or any other suicide may provoke.
Presently, tens of thousands of Japanese people are walking that line. They are thinking about suicide. Because the tsunami and nuclear reactor meltdown has devastated their lives, family, and belief in a better future. I don’t think meds are going to save them all – if the meds were available for free. And the meds are not available to most of those Japanese people trying to negotiate one day at a time.
Like you, I believe that we can and should lift each other up – that we can use the internet to do beautiful, good, and true things. We must choose to do so. Yet I understand too that it is not easy to choose to do so each and every day. I also understand that we do not all agree on what is good and true.
Suicide, for example, is a problem with many sides. Even as a subject for discussion. For example, some feel that suicide (of a stranger or someone closer to the heart) is a personal insult and offense to their life, difficulties, and decisions. Others respond with sympathy for the dead or the family and friends of the dead.
Disagreements will abound if we are honest with each other. How we negotiate such disagreements will vary. How will we negotiate disagreements about the things for which we feel strongly and passionately (for and against)? Do we hang out only with the people that agree with us? Do we bite our tongue in the public square? When can we protest, argue, and negotiate a wider understanding that includes all of the sides of a problem without bias?
These are the questions I would like to add to your own questions about how we can make the online world shine. I hope you don’t mind.
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“Canada (hi everyone else!)” LOL!! That’s so true.
I get where you’re coming from…I think we’ve all felt this way at one time or another in the online world. Heck, a guy we knew not only took his own life night before last, but that of his son. And his account continued to tweet the Spin Sucks posts like normal.
The online world is very strange. But it’s not any different than the offline world. Offline there are people who will take advantage of you. There are people who will use you. There are people who kill and rob and rape. Online it’s amplified because the world is so much bigger and more flat. But there are people who suck…online and off.
I hope so.Everything has to be balance.So I am able to only believe to facilitate this misery subsist for the reason that its steadiness is the great things that are feasible online. I am not definite this actually assist me still.