A lot of times bloggers focus on how to help other people. We offer advice, admonitions, paths and channels and organizations and all sorts of other helpful information. But there is something that I don’t see a lot of information about, and that is how to accept kindness or help. You wouldn’t think this is something that people would need help with, but my experience, both in my own life and in watching others, has demonstrated that there are a few ways people can react upon receiving a kindness that can actually leave a bad taste in the giver’s mouth. These include:
• Not being appreciative because you were hoping that the help or kind word would come from someone else
• Not being able to acknowledge the kindness because your outlook on life is too dark
• Lamenting a lack of help or kindness even after receiving same (this can relate to the above, too)
• Getting angry when someone offers help (this can be a pride thing or perhaps a feeling that your privacy was intruded upon)
There are two reasons why learning to accept help or kindness with grace is extremely important. One reason has to do with others and one reason has to do with your own self.
Have you ever reached out to help someone going through a hard time only to see them lament that “no one cares” or “no one has reached out to help me in my time of need”? It kind of bums you out, right? You took time out of your day/week/month, you told the person or showed the person you cared, but clearly your actions or words did not leave a big enough impression. Now, that’s not a great feeling to have, and even more to the point, you might not feel like helping that person the next time around. “They’re intent on being miserable,” you might think to yourself.
This is how people can feel about YOU if you do not accept kindness with grace. They can feel like being nice to you is a waste of time because you do not appreciate it. Now, this does not mean that you have to fall on your knees and kiss the ground a kind person walks on. However, showing gratitude, even more than expressing gratitude, is important for those who reach out to you. It makes them feel like you see that there are people pulling for you. It makes them want to do more, in fact, because people who care about you want to see you happy.
Even more important than that, however, is that accepting kindness with grace forces you to allow beauty and goodness into your heart, especially during a time that may be hard for you. Acknowledging a kindness increases the chances that you will really understand what it is you have received. Understanding that can help you grasp how much people care about you. And understanding that – well, it can make a big difference for you. If people you care about are pulling for you, you must have some good traits. You must have made a good impression on those folks. You must be valued and valuable. At no other time is it more important to embrace these truths than when they seem hardest for you to believe.
Allow people to be good to you. Allow people to help you. They are not doing it because they think you “need” it or because they think you’re a loser. They’re doing it because they care.
Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/orinrobertjohn/1421810679/ via Creative Commons
View Margie Clayman's profile
In a lot of ways, it can be a double-edged sword. In my own case my online friends have been there for me since my life began falling apart. It has been my “in person” friends and family that have fallen off the face of the earth.
I try to always thank all of those who have helped me in any way, shape or form. I wish I did not need the help still, but the fact of the matter is that I do. My sense of self has taken an enormous beating from all of the struggles I have been through in the past six months.
Anyway, it can be tough to put it into words, but take it from someone who is currently going through that very struggle that it is both heartwarming and humiliating to have to accept help. There are days that I do not even know how to thank those who have stuck by me.
I am not excusing people who are ungrateful, I am merely offering up a reason why they may be reluctant to acknowledge kindness. In my case (and I will not try to guess what motivates others) it is that sense that I am somehow undeserving of help.
@NancyD68 Nancy, I get it. When things are really bad, worse than people can imagine, you do your best to be thankful but when you are in the weeds up to your neck most of your focus is on how can I get out of this and how I am I going to survive until tomorrow. Those who are going to help you may not be aware of how desperate you are and when they are helping you they need to realize that they are doing so not for themselves or what they can get out of it but they are doing so to help another human who is need. Most of the time when things are that bad we are not willing or able to let others know how bad it really is and it is easy for us to come off as unappreciative when all we are doing is trying to survive.
It’s difficult for me to put this in words but I can definitely empathize because I was where you are about 6 months ago.
I guess all I can say is if you are going to help someone in need please do it without any expectations of how it will be received and do so even if it is not well received at first because the person may not be themselves.
Now if the person is just mean and ungrateful and has always been that way…well that’s another story…
I hope you are able to get to where you need to be and please let us know how we can help you.
@Fierce_living Well said, J. But I think that’s why it’s important during those times to make sure you are noticing the good things. It may not be enough to change anything, but it can be a little fuel that keeps you going, ya know?
@margieclayman True Margie and I can only speak for myself when I state the following…there was about a 2 – 3 week period a little over a year ago when I was at my lowest point and I was so not myself that I probably would have lashed out at anyone who tried to help me. I completely isolated myself from everyone and I was not ready to receive help. For that moment in time I was not rationale and I don’t know that I could have even considered the good things because as far as I was concerned there was nothing good any more, life was over, and I just wanted to end it. It’s very hard to describe to those who have not gone through it and I don’t expect those who haven’t to even remotely understand. Until I personally went through it I had not a clue as to what depression was and how it really does a number on you.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that every situation is different and yes it always best to gracefully accept when someone is showing kindness and offering help…just also be aware that when it is not accepted gracefully and that’s not usually the person’s nature than it’s possible that there is more to the story.
Now that I’m no longer in that state I can look back and appreciate the good that was bestowed upon me at the time and I am glad for those who cared. But at my lowest moment I could not see anything beyond my own misery.
Now that the dead horse is beaten…
@NancyD68 I have a feeling that is probably what plagues a lot of people, Nancy. “God, why am I getting this kindness when I’m….” But again, as I said to Jim below, that’s why it’s particularly important to step back and say, “Hmm, all of these people *I* like are helping me, and I wouldn’t say they are the types who waste their time. So, maybe I’m not so bad.” If you tell yourself that enough, you just might start to believe it, even!
So well said Margie! I find it’s sometimes easier to accept a kindness from an online friend – don’t know why that is. I try very hard to just say thank you and not go into a whole “let me do this for you” speech when someone goes out of their way – I will find a way to repay a kindness soon enough. Being thankful with grace is a tough skill to learn.
@sharongreenthal I think you can learn a lot even from the basic interaction of offering someone a compliment. Do they deflect it away? I know I’m TERRIBLE at taking compliments. I either respond with a joke or an “aw shux” sort of thing. Sometimes i yell at people (in a kind way) for doing the same thing. Take the darned compliment!
It’s the same with help or any other kind of kindness. Sometimes you just want to get through to ao person that they ARE special and that they ARE valued. But alas, these things cannot be rushed.
@margieclayman @sharongreenthal I am sitting in Tucson. Read your post and then thought that this is all about human nature. Giving and receiving. As I once told Lisa Petrilli a couple of years ago: “The one thing I do know about people is that if you are afraid to accept a compliment, you can also be reluctant to give one.” I think the same can be said for kindness…Judy
@JudyHelfand That’s interesting. I find that often the people who are bad at taking compliments are the people who are nicest. They give off this kind of, “Well, shux” attitude when someone thanks them or pays them a compliment, and I’m not sure it always plays right to people.
Well said Margie.Accepting Kindness with Grace couldn ‘t have graced the social media at a better time. Stop and smell the roses by letting people know you appreciated them in all they do. It is in those small acts ofd kindness that help us daily get through life. So share your blessing and let us not forget to be kind and thankful,
@GrandmaOnDeck Thanks Gloria, and well said. Too many people lament that they did not appreciate people enough when they had the chance. There’s a super easy way to remedy that in advance!
I have spent a great deal of time pondering this very question. I practice all the time at being receptive, real, contemplative and grateful when others share their wisdom and hearts with me. I have my own word for this – penetrable. I try to clear a path for people to share themselves with me – to make myself available to touched by another’s attempt to reach me. A very important conversation – thank you!
@qstreet I think penetrable is a great word, Sam. I like that a lot. Just as people are afraid to lower their walls for fear of being hurt, we must be willing and able to lower the walls to let kindness in. Yes indeed.