“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.” ~Dalai Lama
Imagine this scenario: you are in a grocery store, in the produce section. You see a person with dwarfism looking up at the top shelf and trying to reach something up there (eggplants are usually near the top for some reason, so we will say they are trying to reach an eggplant or two). Do you have a moment of hesitation before approaching to see if you can help? Do you offer to help at all, or do you just keep walking? Alternatively, do you have no idea why I would even ask those questions?
This is not a time to self-judge. It’s about your blink reaction. Hang on to your answer.
Trying to Give Help
If you have that moment of hesitation, or if you keep walking, what are possible reasons why? I would guess some of the following:
- Fear that you will come across as condescending, ignorant, or ableist
- Fear that you will not verbalize your offer to help in an effective manner
- Maybe the person will bite your head off
- Maybe you are even worried that if you help grab that eggplant, you’ll be obligated to follow the person around and help them grab other things, too
Perhaps you have been in such a scenario, decided to offer your assistance, and even though the person was obviously struggling, they shrugged off your offer and said something like, “I got it. Thanks.” Once you get a reaction like this, I would imagine it would tamp down your future motivation to offer help in similar situations.
Let’s talk about why it can be so difficult to help someone with dwarfism.
Trying to Get Help
There are several reasons why, speaking for myself of course because I can’t speak for everyone or anyone, may hesitate in accepting help. Here are a few common ones.
- I like to come across, as all humans do, as “normal.” Sure, scaling a shelf might not epitomize normal, but I am still reaching what I want on my own with no assistance. There is a slight sense of empowerment there that getting help can diminish.
- I don’t like to feel obligated. Perhaps it’s my midwestern sensibility, but if someone goes out of their way to help me, even if it’s just reaching something for me, I feel like it is a debt I can’t pay back. There is not going to be a scenario later where I can reach up for something and grab it for them, for example. Explaining why what they did was such an extraordinary help also seems a bit awkward for just a small act of assistance. No one wants to hear your life story when they hand you that eggplant.
- I’ve been burned when I have asked for help before.
You read that last bullet point correctly. There have been times when I have asked for help and immediately regretted it. While I don’t know how common this is for people with any kind of disability, I would guess it is more common than it should be. Let’s look at a couple of examples.
“Cut their heads off.”
When I was in high school, I had to take Algebra II. I did not really understand why I HAD to take Algebra II because I certainly had not enjoyed Algebra I, but so it goes. I don’t remember how the seating was assigned in the classroom, but I was nearly at the back of the room. As you might imagine, it was hard for me to see the blackboard (perhaps dating myself here) over the heads of my fellow students. Despite the risk of feeling even more self-conscious than I normally did in high school, I decided to take the teacher aside after class one day. “Can I move my seat more to the front? I can’t see very well over everyone’s heads.”
“Just cut their heads off,” he replied. And then he walked away. End of conversation.
I was rather taken aback. This happened some thirty years ago and it is still as fresh in my mind as if it had happened yesterday. Teachers, one thinks, are there to assist. Not only had I been dismissed, I had been dismissed in a rather crass and gratuitously mean way. Why would I expect better from someone not in a position to help me out?
The Grocery Store Experience
Going to the grocery store is one of my least favorite household tasks. Inevitably, at least 25% of what I need is on the highest possible shelf. This might be ice cream, it might be those tiny glass jars of artichokes, or it might be that eggplant I mentioned at the start of this chapter. When people ask me why I don’t ask for help and instead try to mountain climb my way up the freezer, I tell them a few of the comments or responses I’ve gotten in these situations.
- “Good job looking up that high!”
- “I’m so glad I’m actually taller than someone”
- “I bet you hurt your neck looking up there”
The worst experience i have ever had in a grocery store happened in the produce aisle. No, I was not trying to get an eggplant. I actually was reaching for a produce bag, which for some reason that I never have understood has to hang practically from the ceiling. I was reaching when a man approached to my right and said, “Oh you’ve got to be kidding me.” He pulled off a bag and handed it to me, and then he pulled another one and handed it to me. “I only need one,” I said. In rather a menacing tone that is hard to describe he said, “You’ll just end up asking me for another one anyway.”
I legitimately felt threatened, and I asked to be escorted to my car when I was done because I was so scared. This in turn got me many smirks and chortles from the store staff.
The Downside of Not Accepting Help
It’s all well and good to say, “Do me a favor and DO NOT help me.” However, in my mind this has at times devolved into shooting myself in the foot. I’ll give you an example.
When I was in high school, my parents told me that there were scholarships available for people with dwarfism. Maybe I should apply for one. Being in high school I of course did not consider the potential savings that might have given to my parents. I mean, when you’re in high school it’s pretty much about you and yourself. However, I flat out refused to even research the concept. I did not want to touch that kind of scholarship with a ten-foot pole. Why?
Well, there were a couple of reasons. First, it was back to the being self-conscious aspect of having dwarfism. Did I want to go to the awards ceremony at the end of the year and have it announced that I had won a scholarship from Little People of America? I could already hear the snorts and chuckling. The stronger reason, however, was that I wanted no special treatment. Somehow I had gotten it into my head and heart that if I was going to do anything good, I wanted to do it from my own strengths and efforts. I wanted nothing that I would perceive as pity or charity.
Sometimes people with dwarfism, or even just people who are bit shorter than average, are told they have “Napoleon syndrome” if they have an attitude like this. I never had a desire to conquer anybody, but I wanted to achieve as if I was on a level playing field even though I wasn’t. If I was hiking with my Girl Scout troop, I would trample up and down the same hills. I would do all of the same trail building activities, from cutting down trees to using a pulaski to clear roots. What did this get me? Extra sore arms, the occasional sprained ankle, and various other injuries. However, my pride was untarnished. I did not accept any special help. I did not want it. I hated the idea.
A person offering me assistance has to deal with all of my internal dialogue before I can even get to their external offer to help.
How You Can Help
This chapter has been all about the issue of help, and I’ve spent most of the time explaining why you might hesitate to give help to a person with dwarfism and why a person with dwarfism might hesitate to receive it. So, what am I saying here? Should you just walk on by when you see anyone with a disability having a hard time? Of course, the answer is no!
If you see a man or a woman with their arms full and you reach the door first, won’t you hold it open for them? I hope so (although not everyone has attained this skill). You are not likely making a statement with this gesture. It’s common courtesy. My best advice when trying to approach someone with dwarfism is to have that exact same frame of mind. You do not need to provide a preamble about how you have a relative who is also small. You do not need to make any commentary on what I am reaching for or how pleased you are that you can reach something I can’t. All you have to do is say, “Hey, can I help you get something?” I will most likely say with gratitude that you sure can. The only time I might abstain is if I already pretty much have it in my hand. I say thank you. You say no problem. That’s it.
As for bigger issues, like if you know a young person who might be able to benefit from a scholarship specific to their disability, you really have to feel that out based on the individual. I’ve explained what my thinking was back when I was 17 or 18, but not everyone will feel that way. Other people may even be more vehemently against such suggestions. My best advice in these cases is to present the opportunity as assistance, not as a charitable gift or a sign of pity. Maybe you can try to make it utilitarian. “You’ll need adaptations for your car and help with college will leave more money for that expense.”
Unfortunately, the cliche about leading a horse to water but not being able to make it drink applies here. I suppose you could force the issue, but I would imagine that would create a huge sense of resentment on the part of the person you are trying to help.
Above all things, as you would hopefully be with anyone, just be decent as a fellow human being. Nine times out of ten, that will be enough to make me happy and filled with gratitude.