CHAPTER TWO: It’s a Matter of a Ruler
Just A Foot
Do you have a ruler nearby? It can be any kind of ruler. Even a tape measure will do the trick. Go ahead and look for one. I will wait here.
Got it? OK. Now, if you do the quickest of searches, you are likely to find that the average height for an American woman this year is 5’4. I am 4’5, which means I am just under a foot smaller than the average woman. Does that sound like a lot? Take a look at that ruler in your hand, or mark 12 inches on whatever measuring device you found. That does not seem like a lot, right? You can hold it between your two hands. A 12-inch ruler can fit inside most small desk or kitchen drawers. When you look at a ruler, it seems crazy that I would write a whole book just because that is the difference that separates me from the average woman. However, here we are.
Now, do me a favor and stand up for a second. Put the top of the ruler at the top of your head and measure whatever the difference is between your height and 4’5. Is it more than a foot? Most likely. Where does the bottom of your ruler or tape measure land? That is where my head would be if I was standing next to you. So, where is that? Perhaps my head would be at your shoulder level. Maybe I would be at your chest. Maybe I’d only be up to your waist. Maybe this is reminiscent of one of your kids at this point.
Here is the really tricky question. You don’t need the ruler for this one. If you were walking with someone who was that height, or if you were asked to pose for a picture at a professional function or at a party, would you feel uncomfortable? Would you feel awkward either on your behalf or on mine? If you are self-conscious because you feel you are too tall (whatever that means), would standing next to someone like me create bad feelings for you?
How You Can Help
There have been a few times in my life when someone has pointedly asked me not to stand beside them or walk beside them because it makes them feel too tall. It makes them self-conscious. Of course, when you are used to being bullied you assume this is a comment about you and your differences, but what you come to realize is that it’s about the person who says those words. Nonetheless, asking a friend not to stand or walk near you is deeply hurtful. Do not let such a surface trait impact your friendship. Love being with your friend for who they are, and let other people think or say what they will – about both of you.
What a Difference 12 Inches Makes
How does this difference of a ruler translate into the real world? You might be surprised. If you want a slight feel, get down on your knees for a second and see how your perspective shifts. If you have a child who is around 12 years old, note what they have access to and what they struggle with. Among the things that are out of reach for me are:
- The top shelf at grocery stores
- High-hanging mirrors at many public restrooms (it is somewhat creepy to look up in a mirror and see no reflection)
- The bottom of my top-loading washing machine
- The top of a butcher or deli counter
- The window at a drive-through restaurant (I can’t reach from my car to the window without opening my door)
- Many fitness machines, especially spin bikes
- My own kitchen cabinets
These are inconveniences and when you are a person with dwarfism, you learn for the most part to get by. At tall counters I go around the side to get someone’s attention. I use a grabbing device to help me reach top shelves at stores. It’s inconvenient, and, of course, climbing shelves or using a long tool to reach something does not help you feel LESS self-conscious.
How You Can Help
I’ve gotten a wide variety of reactions when trying to reach something at a grocery store. One woman complimented me on seeing something so high up when I asked if she could reach it for me. Often a person will help and comment about how I remind them of their tiny aunt or grandmother or wife. One time I was mocked and felt very threatened, just because I asked for help. If you see a small person scaling the shelves or using something to reach a top-shelf item, make their day. Offer to get it for them without comment or judgment. It’s just that simple.
The Blink Reaction
Perhaps the biggest problem I deal with as someone who is smaller than the average person is, sadly, other people. Obviously, people can’t know all of the difficulties inherent in being a ruler smaller when they first look at you. What they react to is what Malcolm Gladwell calls the blink effect. They see me and their brain seems to go into autopilot., “Small.” Small = kid. Small = different. The trouble with being on brain autopilot is that often means your mouth is on autopilot as well. I have been embarrassed many times because peoples’ blink reactions came out of their mouths. One of the most memorable moments occurred when I was in high school, a time very few people have reached the apex of their self-esteem.
I was out on a trip with my speech team. I believe we were headed to the state tournament, as a matter of fact. We had dropped off everything at our hotel and were out to eat dinner. We were standing there all together waiting to be seated, and then it happened. The hostess asked if we’d be needing a kids’ menu. I didn’t even have time to let my face get hot or to have that ever so commonly expressed teen feeling that I was melting into the floor. The tears came hard and fast. I was embarrassed, I was self-conscious, and I had fallen from feeling like kind of a badass at a state tournament to feeling like the same ole smaller than average person I always was. In this particular case, the hostess apologized and apparently she, too, had a good cry because she felt so badly.
Children represent another story. One does not expect them to have the social cues of a fully developed person. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked into a store or by a toddler in a cart only to hear, “Look Mom! Look! A midget!” Or, “Why is she so small?” In these cases, I do not fault the child. However, I pay attention to how the parent reacts in these moments. I depend on adults to act like adults, and that means teaching children that pointing or loudly commenting on someone for whatever reason is not good manners. It’s rude, in fact. Occasionally I will hear a parent admonish their child, but actually this is quite rare. More often, the parent is merely silent. Perhaps they are embarrassed by their child’s behavior, and that is great, but the opportunity must be taken advantage of and used as a time to teach.
How You Can Help
My friends who are parents often ask how I would like for parents to react if their child points or otherwise makes insensitive comments. I am not a parent so I always feel odd offering parenting advice, but I can tell you what makes me happy. If a child has been pointing or asking questions, I like for parents to use the opportunity as a teaching moment. “That is rude.” “It is rude to point at people.” “Everybody looks different. It’s not a big deal.” Anything like that makes me know that you are raising your children to be more sensitive and caring.
Bullying
Finally, of course, there are people who just are cruel, or bored, or acutely insecure about themselves. I have often been followed by taunts of “midget” in a myriad of environments, from a street in a public area to a store to a hall in grad school. When I am with someone while I am being bullied in this way, they too often remain silent. Confrontation is not a pleasant thing, and who wants to go up against a bunch of people? Better just to let it pass. That is understandable, but I would ask you, if you find yourself in such a scenario, to offer quiet comfort to the person you’re with who is being bullied. Grab their hand or put your hand on their shoulder. Ask if they are okay afterward. This goes a long way toward cleansing the palette.
More than any other facet of being a ruler shorter than the average woman, the cruelty of people is certainly the most dangerous and the most damaging. It is true that one can feel self-conscious in certain scenarios, but that self-consciousness rests on a foundation of past bullying. If you’ve never been mocked, it doesn’t occur to you that anyone would even pay attention to what you’re doing. When you are a person with dwarfism, it can feel like there is always a spotlight on you, and you are definitely not feeling butterflies like it’s your big stage debut. You worry that everything about you is attracting negative attention. Do I look too small? Does my purse make me look smaller? What will people think when I have to climb this shelf to reach my favorite cereal? These feelings of anxiety are perpetuated every time someone decides to comment, even if it is a relatively neutral or even positive comment. You are under a microscope wherever you go.
All of that self-consciousness, shielding yourself from harm, worried about what you might face this time…all because of the distance that exists between 5’4 and 4’5. It seems crazy, doesn’t it? However, this is how it is every day for people who are “different” from the norm.