Playing with Hate
In what could best be described as a moment of rubbernecking, I decided to watch LeBron James’ acceptance speech after receiving the MPV award for the Finals, and then I also watched one of his post-game interviews after the Miami Heat put a finish to the Thunder. I hate to say it (I’m from LeBron’s hometown and still strongly dislike the way he treated Northeast Ohio) but LeBron actually said something pretty profound. When asked what the difference was between last year and this year, he said that last year he had played with hate, with a desire to prove something to everyone. This year he got back to his own game.
I can kind of relate to this. In seventh grade, after taking many years of bullying, I decided that I was going to get straight As for the rest of my academic career, not because I wanted to learn a lot but rather because I wanted to make everyone regret that they had treated such a smart person so poorly. This of course did not work. It was only when I re-found my love of learning did my grades start to go up.
It’s easy to feel like playing with hate can be productive. It can seem like it motivates you. It can make you feel like you have a purpose, right? “I’m gonna show these jerks.”
If someone shoots at your foot, you will jump. If they keep shooting at your foot, you will keep jumping. Is this the best way to start a cardio program? Probably not. With every jump, you are not striving towards anything except getting out of the way of the bullet.
Similarly, playing with hate is not really striving towards anything. Rather, you are letting the pain other people have caused you (whatever that may be) make you jump. You might move up and down and side to side, but one way you will not move is forward. You are letting external powers control you, and here’s the really sad thing – even if you reach your first set of goals, you will not get the fulfillment you are expecting. Why? You are not doing these things for yourself. You are doing these things to try to silence others. And they will not be moved.
Paradoxically, the single best way to “get back” at people is to just stay on your own path. People get frustrated when they find their cruelty or mockery cannot make an impact on you. So long as they have any sort of power over you, even if you feel you’re using it for good, they are winning the war.
Just ask King James. He stopped playing with hate this year and he finally got his ring. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Do you?
Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lydiashiningbrightly/4418033668/ via Creative Commons
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With all the hate and cruelty that we witnessed this week, I find this post timely and inspiring. The low road is a dead end like a rotary with no exits, the high road keeps you on the path to personal well-being with numerous opportunities to choose from along the way.
Thank you.
@annelizhannan Wow, very well said. Thank you for sharing!
I particularly liked what you said, “It can seem like it motivates you” and to tell you the truth, it does. Well, one can always choose to allow hate to grow or to convert these negative energy into something positive instead. Either way, it is ‘motivated’ by hate – we just choose what we want to do with the feelings 🙂
@janwong I see your point to an extent. Every garden benefits from having a little manure in the soil. But ultimately, striving towards a goal to “prove something” will leave you feeling flat in the end. People who try to get you down will not acknowledge your victory to you. You’ll most likely not have that great “Booyah” moment, as I like to call it. Just as they dont’ want to give that kind of power to you, it’s best not to give so much power to them.
Living in cause, not in effect. David Rich over at http://www.davidjrich.com says this all the time to me.. and lives it every day… he is a very frustrating man 🙂
@dogwalkblog Hah. People who remind you of inconvenient truths are so hard to love 🙂 Just ask Al Gore.
Good point Margie. Same theory applies to Revenge. It’s a shallow victory when achieved and worse, leaves you lower than you were before. Rising above these emotions requires a lot of faith….faith in yourself (besides something bigger than yourself).
@samfiorella Great point, Sam, and really, striving to achieve something “to show them” is a close cousin of revenge. It’s easy to think it’s something else because you may be trying to use your energy for good, but the malicious intent is still there. You want people to feel bad or guilty or whatever else. It’s not a great goal.
Love this Margie..Stay on your own path..best advice..it really works
@JodiOkun Thanks Jodi!
Haters gonna hate. You can’t change that yet and yes it can be a very powerful motivator. I agree with Janwong that the best way to use the hate to your advantage is to change the negative to positive and as you stated Margie walk your own path.
How did you get so frickin wise anyways?
@Fierce_Chat The school of hard knocks is the best teacher I know of 🙂
Margie, a therapist of mine told me often “Don’t let anger be your battery pack.” it took me 20 years to assimilate this, I try to put this into action for daily frustrations. Good for LeBron, learning this at a much younger age than I did.l
@barryrsilver Thanks Barry. LIke I said, he was quite profound!
I love it! Ignore the haters and they’ll go away!
@douglaserice They do get restless after a short while of being unfed 🙂
Someone once said to me, “You need to get your degree to show so and so they were wrong about you.” Well, I don’t really care what so and so thinks about me or anything else I do. I feel like it’s so important to love yourself, and stay focused on what is going to make you feel fulfilled as a person. It only matters what you think about your choices.
Another thing I noticed is that people talk about you the most when you are doing something that sets you apart. Something that makes you more successful than they are. And in response, they envy you. They try to belittle your efforts and make you seem smaller than you really are. Because they are envious. In an odd sort of way, they are paying you a compliment.
@CCelli73 Boy, if you can take an insult as a compliment in the heat of the moment, I’d say you’re well on your way to spiritual enlightenment! I’m not *quite* there yet, but you do raise a good point. Often people who attack are really attacking themselves and not you. That can be hard to believe sometimes, however!
Depends upon the person, Margie. I used hatred to drive my performance up until about 18 years old. I went from a kid that was barely passing, and social services starting to get involved, to a straight-A’s valedictorian. Most of it was to prove someone wrong.
Then I met my wife, and realized there are other styles of play that are acceptable ;).
Here is an interesting thought. When you play with hate, and achieve your goal, you can have an empty feeling. You made it, and you really do not know how to celebrate…or how to establish new goals. In contrast, playing to the best of your abilities while making others around you better – and celebrating victories with people you love – provides a healthy lifestyle that allows you to build upon your goals/successes.
@dbvickery Very well said, Brian. When you win because of hate, you’re left to celebrate a hateful feeling. Celebrating a vindictive victory is not really all that fun because your ultimate dream – seeing people fall down at your feet and say, “OMG I was so wrong about you!” is likely not going to happen. So, if that doesn’t happen and you didn’t try to win for yourself, what is left? It’s a big risk to take.
Glad your wife set you straight 🙂
@margieclayman The wife is *always* setting me straight. I should call her – the ReCalibrator!