When Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd were in the early days of their courtship, they were part of a group in Springfield that was known as the Coterie. Apparently one of the members of this group was a guy who was a real character, so much so that Mary wrote up a funny rhyme and submitted it to a newspaper. Much to her surprise, as well as Lincoln’s, the poem got published. Even more surprising, the man the poem was about contacted the newspaper publisher demanding to know who had written this insulting piece. Lincoln took the blame and was promptly challenged to a sword duel, if you can believe that. Luckily a friend intervened and nobody was hurt. Abe and Mary decided the whole thing was so embarrassing they’d never talk about it again.
In the online world, it’s really easy to say something preachy or something funny at another person’s expense. We get a big reaction when we’re funny. We spark good conversations when we use a specific example to prove our points. Sometimes that specific example is something another person has done, wrong or right. When we are using another person to show how NOT to do something, we approach it like the Lincolns. We don’t exactly say who we’re talking about, right? We insinuate things. We leave little clues. But most of the time, no names are given. We stir up a mess of wasps and because we didn’t mention a name, we feel like we kept the person relatively anonymous.
I know this because I have done this myself. I have written posts or tweets or Facebook updates about something someone did or about something someone did NOT do, but I didn’t use their names or links to their websites or anything like that. I figured I could vent or make a point and because I wasn’t using a name, there was no harm. However, I think I have been lucky. It would be easy for someone like that friend of the Lincolns to suddenly challenge me and ask why I was bad-mouthing them. And it could happen to you, too.
In life, whether online or offline, I think we need to take more care in saying only what we can say with great conviction. If you TRULY believe that someone’s website is crap and you want to use them as an example of what not to do, don’t just quote some of the parts that you think are horrendous. Name them. First of all, it’s easy enough for people to search for the quotes you copied and figure it out anyway, but also, if you are so certain what they are doing is wrong, you should not be afraid to name them. If you don’t feel strongly enough about it to be bold, then perhaps you are feeling a sting of conscience. Obliquely referencing a person or a company is the online version of talking behind someone’s back. If you can’t say it directly to them, perhaps the best move is to refrain.
I am not saying that people should do more call-outs or that people should be MORE mean. But I guess I would say that in this era of Google and Twitter search and Facebook search, you never really can hide the identity of someone you’re raking over the coals, right? People can figure it out. People can alert them. If that makes your palms sweaty, perhaps you should refrain. Perhaps you do not really believe strongly what it is you were going to say. Perhaps you were just looking for a reaction. There are better ways to get one.
Don’t you think?
Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/clover_1/5461216707/ via Creative Commons
Nice post. I think we need to take more care in saying only what we can say with great conviction. Thanks for sharing.
@margaret14 Thanks Margaret.
I agree with you on this Margie but think that often the perceived repercussions of naming names and being specific about someone are potentially too scary for some to fathom. Sure, there’s something to be said about being confident and sure in your convictions but it seems that people are deathly afraid of sullying their reputations in this day and age even if criticism is justified.
On the other hand, since I have dove deeper into the social world, I notice that only the quality bloggers and pundits, the ones really worth reading are not afraid to call someone or something out when needed. These seem to be the ones to follow, to embrace, and to learn from.
@John_Trader1 Agreed, John. I’m not really trying to encourage people to do the call-out. I guess I would just say if you aren’t willing to say something to someone’s face (and the online equivalent is letting them know you’re saying what you’re saying), then perhaps you should refrain. Think of another way to present the information, or take a big breath and analyze why you are wanting to rake them over the coals. The answer might surprise you!
So true. I think we sometime leave our manners at the keyboard, and behave very differently online than we would IRL. It’s easy and it’s (practically) anonymous. Poor analogy, but its a little like picking your nose in your car. You imagine no one is looking, and you won’t be found out, but there are windows all around.
@bakeforme I think that’s a GREAT analogy. To build on that, perhaps it’s like picking your nose in the car and you figure the people who are okay with you no matter what are the only ones who will see it. But then you notice your boss drive by. Oops.
I’ve been thinking a lot on anonymity, in its various Internet incarnations. The calling out, I’m very mixed on just b/c I’m not wild about naming names, going after people. I’m for advocating a stance or position – on a practice, on an issue. Then as @John_Trader1 mentioned, there are always assumptions when you drop names: link bait, rabble rousing, trying to trade on someone else’s stature for your own benefit.
Which is not to say I haven’t been tempted; instead I opt for the lateral, opaque references. But I am very careful to 1) make it truly oblique 2) make it about the practice, not the person and 3) usually endeavor to write it as a ‘how not’ and include the tips of what to do instead. Now copying someone’s writing, using it directly w/ out attribution? And for the purpose of criticizing? No, I like to think I wouldn’t do that. That said, I’ve seen the ‘exceptions’ too; when it is the fact that it is “So-and-So” doing something, it is them, their stature and status that makes it ‘news’ or blog worthy. Even so, mileage may vary on whether or not it was appropriate to ‘call out’ someone by name and usually, it’ll depend on the topic.
What about brands? I wrote about an event recently, didn’t name the brand not wanting to ‘seem’ however one seems when we name names. Not sure if that was a mistake, but then they weren’t the point. The point was to do it right, no matter who you are.
Back to the references. There have been times I’ve thought ‘this could be aimed at me’ then realized, no one’s paying any attention to me and it’s not all about me and I need to get over myself, kinda like almost any TV character I’ve ever watched. 😉 But then – that’s all perception and projection isn’t it? Even if it stings, IDK – I’d somehow try to see past that. If someone’s gonna give me their professional opinion for free, what I’m doing wrong with my website, maybe I might learn from it. FWIW.
@3HatsComm Well said Davina.
@3HatsComm You raise so many great questions here!
I wrote a post awhile back about a post I saw on Hubspot. I thought there was a lot of misleading content there, so I linked to the post, remained as nice as I could given the critique I was offering, and someone from the site came over and offered their side of the argument. I did not belittle the post, I simply said that certain things did not add up. Some things I was corrected on, and I was fine with that. It ended up (I think) being a good conversation.
I think there is a difference in offering criticism versus “calling someone out.” I did not say that Hubspot was a bunch of d-bags or whatever. I took the argument they made and piece by piece explained what I disagreed with and why. If you write a post about how dumb someone is or how much they sold out, that’s clearly not in the interest of trying to start a dialogue. I think that line is blurry for a lot of people on both the receiving and the giving end of the spectrum.
I think we are all hyper-sensitive to any sort of criticism. It can really sting online because we’re putting *ourselves* on the line anytime we do anything. But sometimes things are true that we don’t like, and accepting those things can really help us grow.
All of that being said, I keep going back to a simple truth. If you say something online, you should be ready to say that exact same thing to that person’s face, because let’s face it, the chances are pretty good they’ll find out anyway. If you are okay with them finding out, then even referencing them obliquely can be fine. If you don’t want to cause a ruckus or if conflict worries you, maybe finding another way to make your point would be advisable.
@margieclayman Such an interesting idea.. and I still can’t decide on naming names. I mean we’re in the Success business, the Opinion business – most of us consulting types out here. So posts of ‘This Person is Wrong’ – are attacks, but also a more natural part of the debate – though I’d still prefer ‘this IDEA is wrong and this is what may work better’ posts.
I have a post in my head – kind of the opposite of calling people out. Happened over a couple of weeks, a few A-list blogs – all writing things I had covered, saying more or less the same. I was tempted to write “see, I’m just as smart as so-and-so”, do a little ‘she said, I said, he said, I said.” But at the end of the day, it seems too self serving, too much like trading on their status, too much like I’m whining. IDK.
Agree w/ you about saying to someone’s face; I’ve obliquely called people (who do certain practices) d-bags, but it’s something I’m trying to get away from – the name calling and all that. I’m sensitive myself, should think before I hit ‘post’ – as always.
@3HatsComm I always come down on those issues this way. If I am out here as a consultant, I ultimately want people to feel that they can come to me with questions or concerns. I don’t want them to go visit other people whom I idolize and I also don’t want them to worry that I’ll call them out in a blog post if they ask me a “dumb” question.
I guess if you wouldn’t bring it up at a client meeting, and you’re using social media to reach clients, don’t bring it up online either. That’s kind of how I play it anyway.