The Curse of Seeking Acceptance
When I was in maybe sixth grade or so, I would always take the bus over to my mom & dad’s office (little did I know I’d be working there some 20 years down the road, but that’s a different story). One day, we had a substitute bus driver. For whatever reason, this bus driver was just the butt of all jokes for my whole ride on the bus. I have no memory if it was a man or a woman, I have no recollection of what they looked like. What I do remember is that when I got off the bus that day, I turned around and raised my middle finger at the bus driver. Who knows what I was thinking would happen as a result, but most probably I saw an opportunity to try to gain acceptance among my peers. Flicking off an adult was certainly not like me (hence, in my head, cool). It was edgy, it was mean, and it was in line with how everyone else was feeling and acting at the time.
My walk from where I was dropped off to the actual office was probably about 100 feet. By the time I actually stepped inside my mom’s office I was in tears. I felt wretched, and in fact, as you can tell (since this was now a LONG time ago), the memory has not dimmed all that much. I am still ashamed of it. Also, not shockingly, I did not become homecoming queen in the aftermath of this action. Nobody came up to me the next day and said, “Wow, you’re cooler than I thought. Let’s be friends.” It was a cruel and wasted effort that was empty of meaning. I am sure the bus driver thought of me as another ungrateful, snotty kid.
This event came to mind in the wake of the story about bus monitor Karen Klein. Karen, like the bus driver I flicked off, was just trying to do her job, but she was met with hatred and abuse from a bunch of kids she was trying to look out for. Those kids probably also were participating so that they could gain acceptance. One day, they may deeply regret their actions, and they will even have video footage of that black mark on their personalities. Thank goodness YouTube wasn’t born yet when I was a kid.
Online and offline, we are often presented with an opportunity to tear someone else down as a way of (seeming) to tie ourselves closer to someone else. If there is a group that often picks at a person, our brains tell us that also picking on that person will make us a part of that group. There are three things you need to ask yourself when these situations arise.
1. Is the acceptance of these people worth abusing someone else for?
2. Will you be accepted by these people if you pick on that person?
3. If you are accepted to some extent, will you be happy?
My gamble as a kid clearly did not pay off. In the online world, it’s even easier to do the equivalent of flipping the bird. You can ridicule people, lambaste people, gossip, or even lie about others in order to try to make headway with others. Ask yourself those three questions. If you end up regretting your action, it will be a regret that will stay with you for a LONG time. You can take my word for it.
Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/yourdon/3550794139/ via Creative Commons
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I’ve often wondered why people tear people down. Where does it come from?If it happened to you it would hurt. So why do we need to hurt others.
@GrandmaOnDeck It seems like common sense, doesn’t it? And yet almost all of us fail at this one at one point or another.
I think I am becoming more of a cynic in my old age, but I wonder how many people take the time to think about what they did. We know that many don’t think before they act, but I really wonder how many look back with regret at past actions.
I mention this because I think a lot of people have fallen into a habit of not paying attention to things that don’t touch them. That is not to say that we should or need to remember everything we do, but that sometimes things happen and if there are no consequences it just disappears in the memory banks.
It is part of why I think certain bad habits can develop.
@TheJackB I am sure people go to great lengths to avoid thinking about things they are ashamed of. As we often hear, liars first must lie to themselves, and it’s so easy to do. I would highly prefer not to have this recollection floating about in my brain, but alas, I clearly still feel bad about it, so around it stays.
In the online world, I think we also underestimate how long a life our words can have. There’s this whole “You say it in the Twitter stream and it lasts for 3 minutes” mentality, but that’s not necessarily true. People remember and people can go find stuff if they think they remember. It’s not as safe as you might think!
It is indeed a long busride home, Margie.
Most of us have done things that we thought were going to get us “in.” Online it does seem quite easy for some to go for the jugular rather than offering a helping hand. No, these things do not pay off in the long run, “they” will not accept you as one of them. There is an old adage which will not come to my aging mind right now, but basically, “if people will gossip with you, they will gossip about you.”
I agree to some extent with TheJack B in the comments. Most people don’t take the time to think about things they think will not touch them. And, rather than seeking what is right and their own approval, they waste much of their lives seeking approval as far up the food chain as they can rise.
However, whether we wish to acknowledge it or not, everything does touch us, and they show who we really are. The things we do, say, write, etc. all demonstrate what our true heart, character and motives are.
Good post, as always. You always make me think…
@Martina McGowan Yep, my mom preaches that one often. “If they’re willing to badmouth TO you, they’re just as likely to badmouth you when you’re not around.” It’s a behavior, not really a relationship mechanism. Leopards aren’t chameleons – they don’t change their spots based on who they’re talking to. At least not most of the time.
Glad you liked the post. Thank you!
@margieclayman Yes it is a behavior that is likely not to change. I think we grew up in the same house 🙂
Margie, is “Flicked off” what girls did? Or is that an Buckeye colloquialism? The boys where I am from always referred to this as “Flipping off”? Flicking was what we did with a green booger! (I love using that word now that I see Bill D has made it cool) At any rate your post brought back a few bus memories of a couple of the great people who drove us and knew me by name. There also was the group think bullying that went on too frequently in my hood. I like you was small and became the target at times. I think it taught me empathy although sometimes I wish I stood up more for the bullied! Trying to now!
OK, I’m with Kev…it’s Flip Off and Flick Boogers. Barring that, this is an excellent introspective, Margie. I especially like how your own sense of remorse was almost crippling by the time you walked 100 feet. That is what makes you…”you”.
Unfortunately, you stand in the minority. We all experimented with walking the edge as we were growing up. Then most of us grew up and became reasonably tame contributors to society. I do think this generation is even edgier…and has less remorse after each act. Let’s see how that plays out from a sociological point of view.
@dbvickery You could be right. I think kids today are growing up in a society that is more connected but also more distant, somehow. It’s hard to believe that these people you talk to online are actual living beings. It’s easy to be “brave” or “edgy” when you think there aren’t any real consequences. Interesting indeed.
@margieclayman Thus, cyber-bullying now runs rampant…