I had rather an extraordinary conversation with a friend recently. What brought it about was unfortunately an unpleasant communique I had gotten from another friend. I was venting and lamenting to this friend of mine and she took me on a three-step journey that I realized could be applied to any situation where there are feelings of hurt or anger. I found it quite helpful in that particular situation, so I thought I would share the process in case you are wanting and/or needing to forgive someone these days.
Step 1: Ownership
The first thing you need to do is take a step back and say, “OK, does this person have a valid point?” This can be extremely hard to do when you yourself are feeling hurt. The natural reaction is always going to be, “Geeze, I certainly did not deserve THAT!” In fact, if someone asks you something like, “Well, did you do something to cause that reaction” you might actually end up lashing out at that person, right? Humans don’t like to think we’ve done anything wrong. Ever. Even so, it’s extremely important to step back and evaluate your actions or your words from the vantage point of another person. Did you do something that could be perceived as mean even if you didn’t intend it that way, or is this person reacting in a way that doesn’t make any sense? If you can’t determine this for yourself, find a trusted person who can look at the whole situation with an outsider’s perspective and see what they say. You might find that your effort to give results in you actually apologizing.
Step 2: Acknowledge that you might not know the full story
I often think of this story: A man and his three kids are at a shoe store. The kids are running around like wild banshees and they are irritating the store customers and the store employees. Someone finally goes up to the man and in a frustrated tone says something like, “You really need to get a hold of your kids. They’re behaving very poorly.” The man responds, “I know, I know. We just left the hospital. Their mom passed away and I really don’t know what to do right now.”
If someone lashes out at you for seemingly no reason, or if they react to something you did but the reaction seems a bit over the top, pause before you immediately retort in anger or in hurt. Maybe there’s something going on with that person that you don’t know about. Maybe, without realizing it, you said something that opened up an old wound. Human beings are covered in these invisible traps. You could mention something in passing and it could totally throw a person into turmoil for reasons you can’t even begin to comprehend. If you know the person well enough, and if the time seems right, perhaps make sure that there isn’t something else going on that is causing them to be off-balance. In this case, your path to forgiveness could result in helping someone out.
Step 3: Remember that failing to forgive only adds weight to your shoulders
Maybe someone has done something that for you hedges on the level of betrayal. Maybe they have cut you to the core. You don’t feel you deserved it and frankly you don’t care if they’re “Going through something.” You have no interest in letting them off free and clear with your forgiveness.
This might seem logical – if you are mad at someone right now maybe you’re saying “Amen.” But here’s the problem, and unfortunately it’s something people often have to learn the hard way. Forgiveness frees YOU. It in most cases probably impacts you more than it impacts the person you’re forgiving, oddly enough. By saying, “I forgive you,” and by really trying to mean it, what you are actually doing is saying, “I’m not going to carry around the results of this exchange. I’m going to leave it by the side of the road and move on.” If you don’t forgive, the event will just keep eating away at you. You’ll keep analyzing it. Maybe it will change in your head over the span of days/weeks/months/years until it becomes all-consuming.
In the worst case scenario, you will lose that person you’re mad at before things can get resolved. At that point, all you may be left with is the bad feelings about them until you can work it out, and then it is too late. Life is uncertain and too short to take such risks, don’t you think?
None of this is easy, of course, and in the online world it is all too easy to fight back before thinking. Those fingers of ours can start typing before we even realize we have a keyboard at our fingertips. But I have found that these three steps in recent times have helped me prevent relatively small events from snowballing out of control. I hope they serve you in a similar fashion.
Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/8185675@N07/3633152013/ via Creative Commons
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Yes and each day sometimes it will seem easier than others to stay in this mode of comprehension. There are so many great people teaching different methods of forgiveness, we can just pick one that resonates with us then “do the work”
@prosperitygal Quite true, Michele. Forgiveness is a tricky creature and it’s a path only the heart can walk. The first step, really, may be just saying, “I want to travel on this path.”
What neighborhood you hangin’ in? Who could be mad at you? If someone gets mad at me I just put the kung fu grip on them.
Carrying anger and resentment around can be a heavy load indeed; I chose not to because that is the one thing I can control. It’s not quite that simple at times, but the sooner you can let it go the better; that much I do know.
@bdorman264 When I was a little kid my mom introduced me to the William Blake tree about letting the poisonous tree grow in your garden. It’s not really worth it to let things fester and simmer in your soul. The person you’re mad at may not even be aware that you’re doing all of those spiritual calisthenics, so you’re only stretching out your own self. Kind of silly if you think about it.
@bdorman264 William Blake poem – about a tree – is what I meant to say 🙂
I enjoyed this post from @lizstrass awhile back and kind of along the aame line 🙂
http://www.successful-blog.com/1/the-top-10-ways-to-start-living-your-life/
On a personal note I always keep in mind that “Acceptance and Love Is ALWAYS the Answer” 🙂
I forgive you Margie.
You are probably thinking what in the heck did I do to you that requires forgiveness. Well back when I was a social media baby and going through things that have done in many that are stronger than me you took me to task several times when I was being disruptive on the Tweet Diner.
Of course you had no idea in the world the craziness that was going on in my world…but instead of taking time to get to know me you chastised me several times. You did it in private, which was gracious, but it still hurt. I was hoping to get to know you and others at a deeper level and was probably crying out for attention too but I couldn’t understand..I mean here I am this great guy and I keep getting chewed out for just being myself.
I decided to just move onto other things and it all worked out for the best in the end but it was still tough and I thought you could have done more than just chew my ass…but that’s your personality and I’m sure you were going through things that I was clueless on.
Since those days I feel like I have grown through at least 3 lifetimes. I am now contracting with a medical device company in the O.C. They put me up in an awesome hotel during the week while I am down there and I am working with the most amazing people. I am hoping that this opens doors to some other opportunities and before you know I’ll be back on track with where I need to be in my career.
At my deepest darkest moment I was probably literally a matter of weeks away from offing myself. The depression and my lack of ability to see a future were more than overwhelming. I attribute my salvation a great deal to social media and now am happy to report that the depression is 100% gone without medication or therapy. I know that I am unusual in that sense but I believe the source of my depression was due to my inability to foresee a future for myself.
How do I know the depression is cured?
1. I have re-engaged with 99% of my former friends
2. I am back into photography…one of my great loves
3. I am also back into music, which I loved before but gave up during my bout w/ depression
4. I am making strong contributions at work
5. Am engaged at work and helping others to further their careers.
6. That sense of doom and gloom and that blackness that accompanies depression is 100% gone.
7. Doesn’t mean I don’t have down days…just deal with them in a healthy manner now.
So yes Margie I forgive you. You had no idea what was going on in my world and you were just being yourself.
Everything you say in this post is important and I’m glad to see you are growing as well.
@Fierce_Chat Hi Jim,
I am sorry that my behavior made you feel that way. As I told you at the time, I was trying to protect you – you were doing things that I knew would rub people the wrong way, and I thought it would be better (since you were a social media baby at the time) to take you aside and warn you that people might attack you for what you were doing. I am sorry my tonality seemed mean to you and that you have carried that around with you this long.
I hope you also remember the many times you confided in me and I offered you support, the many times I helped you promote your chat and other things. I am glad that you forgive me, but I hope upon reflection you also remember some of the good things I did along the way. Maybe that will come with time.
@margieclayman Margie,
Of course I remember all of that but that wasn’t the point of your post 🙂 You are a great person and that’s why I wanted to get to know you better. I didn’t really “Carry” it around with me your post just prompted me to think about it and put it into perspective.
@Fierce_Chat Congratulations on what you’ve accomplished and best wishes in your continued progress.
I have been trying to embrace #2. Parents who lose control of their kids – as you’ve pointed out in your example. People who park in handicapped spaces who appear to be physically healthy, etc. There was a tweet from a now-suspended parody Will Smith account that had a good message: ” Never underestimate the pain of a person, because in all honesty, everyone is struggling. Some people are better hiding it than others.”
@BeckyPittman It definitely can take a lot of patience. Many deep breaths are often needed 🙂
Fierce_Chat – great to hear that things are going better for you these days 🙂
A lot of us have been through some difficult times in our lifetime. A few months back I posted on Twitter “My Mom’s onher death bed, My brother is in a psychiatric ward and I’m Gay – what else don’t You want to talk about?!”
I’m here to tell you Jim that what you wrote is definitely not Margie’s personality and/or her being herself – it is your perception/reaction at the time you were going through what you were going through nothing more/nothing less.
I’ve been around awhile – age wise – and one of the things I say to folks almost on a daily basis is “The more people I know – The more I know people” hence why I don’t know your personality yet and why I won’t know whether or not you are being yourself right now because I’m just starting to know you now – Margie on the other hand I’ve gotten to know for a few years now – why I can say the above.
I have had two close friends and a number of acquaintances commit suicide over the past couple of years. Many, many years ago I would have felt guilty/responsible for how they felt and ultimately what they did – some even said I was mean to them and didn’t understand. What I have learned is that I’m just not that powerful – as is nobody else.
Wishing you love and light Jim and getting to know you better 🙂
@CateTV Everything you say is dead on. Retreading my post it came across stronger than I intended. Margie’s heart was in a good place but at that moment we didn’t connect and yes it was totally because of where my head was at the time. I was crying out for attention and being very assertive in her chat. I meant well but just came on too strong and was not in a place to take constructive criticism. At that time I also wasn’t sharing what was going on with me. What I meant by Margie was being herself was that she’s a tell like it it is person. Nothing wrong with that it just I was not in my right mind so I didn’t take it as it was meant.
And you are right when people aren’t I’m their right mind there is not much you can do for them except maybe listen.
@Fierce_Chat Thanks Jim. That makes me feel much better!
@CateTV Thanks Cate. I thought you 2 knew each other – happy introductions 🙂
I do the best I can to support people in the online world, but where tonality and intonation are unknowns, perhaps it doesn’t always come across in the best way. I hope you know that everything I did, @Fierce_Chat , was out of friendship and concern.
Since the facebook thread was deleted I wanted to share with you Marjorie my last comment:
Marjorie you have the opportunity to look at this differently than you stated above ( his pitting his words against yours etc…) Someone was completely open ( which is refreshing in a day where folks put on a face) with you and shared the value they found in your actions. The difference I see is you are responding to his feelings he expressed – which more folks need to be honest about. I do not engage in whether anyone;s feelings are “on target” because you cannot diminish how someone feels it is their feelings. You can choose to see the value of the actions you took and he thanked you for and be satisfied 😉
Forgiveness is a sign of a spiritually well person. I wish I was better at this. I try. In the end, we all screw up. That’s why we need to forget about our glass houses!
@geoffliving True that!
Amen! Not sure how easy the steps are as they take courage but you are right on Margie!
@kevjkirkpatrick Easy is always relative – by person and by situation!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post Margie. Not letting things go will absolutely weigh you down. I think people believe if they forgive someone that means they also have to trust and let them back in. Sometimes you forgive but take steps to distance yourself from a hurtful or mean spirited person.
I would add one more consideration to all of this. None of us are perfect. Would you want others to never forgive you, or say you’ve reached the 10 mistake limit?
@NicoleFende Great point, Nicole. “Forgive, but don’t forget” is something I need to work on. I tend to try to take things right back to normal, and what that teaches the person is that they can do anything they want and they’ll get back into your good graces. Not so good!