I want to talk to you today about something that is not easy to talk about. But I think it needs to come out into the open. See, I noticed something about myself last week. It came on the heels of a female friend of mine intimating that she was dumb. She happens to be one of the most capable and smart women I know, but there she was in a thread saying “Oh man, I feel like I’m so dumb.” I snapped at her and told her she should NEVER talk about herself that way. It was ridiculous. But guess what? It made me realize that I do the same thing. All the time. And I’ve noticed a lot of other women do, too. Even if we don’t call ourselves stupid, we mask our intelligence online. A lot.
This is not really just a social media problem for me. I used to get in big arguments with a friend of mine in college – a guy. He is one of those people who likes to use at least one new big word every day. He has an amazing memory and flaunts it. He asks people questions in regular conversation that they very likely won’t know the answers to, and he answers them. I told him that I didn’t really feel the need to strut my stuff, as it were. I have always said I like the Abraham Lincoln approach – I like to talk without effect. I like to be a chameleon and adjust my references and my tonality depending upon with whom I’m talking. I have never felt the need, in every day conversation, to have little markers that point to intelligence.
None of this changed when I started tweeting and blogging. I tried to create a persona when I first started on Twitter and it failed miserably for me. I am most comfortable simply being who I am. HOWEVER, and maybe you can relate to this, a big part of who I am is self-deprecating. Social Media has seemed to magnify this characteristic of mine, or at least I have noticed it more readily. Smart? Me? Aw no no no. Not compared to that person. And that person. No, I’m just a shlub, barely holding on.
Except I’m not. And neither are you.
Noticing this pattern has been kind of like learning a new word. Once I noticed and acknowledged it, I started to see it everywhere. Not just with me but with other people too, and most especially, predominantly, in other women. I’ve been trying to figure out how I fell into such a bad habit. I’ve been trying to figure out why I tend to fall into this pattern more readily when I’m talking to men versus women.
Guess what? I’m sexist.
The only answer I can come up with is that there is something deeply programmed within me that tells me to bow to the intellect of men. I get intimidated. It’s true. If engaged in a high-level conversation that is dominated by men, I feel more pressure to over-perform. I never want to be the resident bimbo, nor do I want to say anything that invites that comparison. So instead of risking that, I revert to self-deprecation. There. See? You can’t call me stupid because I beat you to the punch. In the face of the all boys club, I’d rather hustle and not risk humiliation versus simply letting my brain go.
Pretty sad, huh?
But I have a feeling I’m not alone in this regard.
This is not a permission slip to become a braggart
I’m not saying, by the way, that women should move to the other end of the spectrum. I don’t intend to change the way I blog or tweet or…Facebook. I am who I am, as Popeye might say. I don’t intend to humblebrag or regular brag. I find those things highly unattractive in any gender. But there is a difference between embracing your power and tearing yourself down. Many women I see in the online space, including me, opt for the latter. We would rather, it seems, open the door to insult rather than step up and say, “Um, hi. We’re here too.”
Is it any wonder that sometimes women don’t get taken seriously enough? I think not. If we can’t take ourselves seriously, surely no one else should.
What do you think? I hope women AND men will weigh in on this. Do men find that women often tear themselves down? What’s your read on that?
Let’s talk about this.
Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/basilisksam/6516766343/ via Creative Commons
I have this problem, too, even though I’m a dude. It’s not that I think I’m stupid. It’s that I don’t really know how to act when people give me compliments, so I usually respond with some self-deprecating joke about my inadequacies. I guess I just don’t want to come across as arrogant. If I’m going to be honest, I guess self-deprecation is a kind of false humility. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t actually think I’m that smart. But nor do I think I’m stupid. I’m just curious and eager to learn. I wonder if this resonates with anyone else?
@douglaserice Welcome to the club of self-deprecation. I’m working on it, too. I don’t respond well to compliments. I have to resist the urge to shrug them off and instead say “thank you” and leave it at that.
I don’t know if my self-deprecation is false humility. I think it’s ego-driven and perhaps is due to an inability to perceive myself correctly. I also know my self-deprecation is a defense of sorts, maybe against my perfectionism. I think if I can laugh something off, it won’t hurt as much.
That’s a great point – I think self-deprecation in response to a compliment is actually a different issue (one I also struggle with). I am made primarily of humble pie and have not learned how to just accept that some people like to say nice things. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it’s because I would rather not risk coming off as a braggart so I go the other way. But I think some people get offended when you don’t take a compliment well. @Erin F. @douglaserice
@margieclayman @douglaserice I think so, too. I try to put myself in the other person’s shoes. He or she has gone to the trouble to give me a gift, and I’m acting like I don’t want it or appreciate it. That has to hurt.
Good points, as always Margie.
No, its not a social media only issue, it is a societal issue. For women, we are often taught as girls to try not to overshadow our male counterparts. We then embrace this behavior as normal, and ultimately work hard not to overshadow anyone. We all do it, and the we are mortified that someone thinks that we are not smart.
Like Doug, I am genuinely curious and always have been. Does this sometimes eclipse what other people want to know or are interested in? Yes, of course.
But we each have to find that middle ground where we learn to be comfortable with who we are/ who we wish to become, and being humble. The fact that we wish to be humble should not make us appear to be stupid, and it should not boost anyone else’s ego at our expense.
When we can tear down the societal falsehoods that we have learned to embrace, we can approach some level of feeling that the sexes are similar in their intelligence, gifts and talents, if not truly equal.
When we each learn who we are, and accept it, we can learn to communicate without feeling the need to use self-deprecating language to get by.
@Martina McGowan Well said. It’s all about that grey area (again). The line between bragging and simply embracing your power. Big difference, and it makes a big difference (I think) which you opt to do.
I have to say that I tend to do the same. Usually I get other people telling me I was to hard on myself etc.
I think that when you want to put the spotlight on others as you do often we go to far and even throw some dirt our way to make other’s shine.
Not sure if it is a woman’s thing but I know I call myself dumb all the time.
Thinking you are stupid makes you humble and shrinks your ego. If people say you are smart, they are all liars.