This week is going to be more about me asking you questions than me going off on a rant. I am legitimately curious as to whether some of the things I’ve experienced and/or heard hold true for everybody or if my own particular experience is just plain weird (note, I’m not inviting people to confirm if *I* am weird. We already know the answer to that).
So, normally when you think about sites like Twitter or Facebook, you think about the great big wide public domain, right? Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of your peers and colleagues. However, most social platforms have a way around this. On Twitter you can “direct message” people so that you are just talking to them. On Facebook there is a similar messaging system.
In my experience, and this is just my experience, the primary users of these more private messaging systems or women. Women tend to direct message me for the following reasons:
1. To share a post they have written (I don’t know that I’ve ever gotten a direct message from a man for these purposes)
2. To complain about another person (I think I have only gotten 3 direct messages from men in this category)
I myself tend to use direct messages or Facebook messages if I want to converse in a way that might not fit with how I converse on the wide open platform. If I want to share a funny observation, verbalize a complaint, or just check on someone who seems to not be doing well, I tend to use the private messaging system for whatever platform I’m on.
How does your community work? Do you see direct messages pretty frequently from both men and women? Do you feel that men and women use private messaging with different motivations? Does my experience sound pretty typical to yours or do you experience something different?
Using direct messages for abuse
Beyond this question, there is also the sad fact that some people opt to use private messages to bully other people. I have only heard women verbalize this kind of situation so I am wondering if men experience it too. Believe it or not, I have heard women say that they have received, via direct message, very inappropriate messages regarding their appearance or messages with not so subtle sexual undertones. With all of the talk about bullying, I find it disconcerting that there could be so much abuse going on where people can’t step in to intercede. I find myself wondering how much of this goes on beyond our ability to see, and how many people simply delete these messages, feel hurt, and do nothing because it is all behind the privacy curtain.
If you or someone you know has ever received these kinds of damaging private messages, I can only encourage you, whether man or woman, to vocalize your concerns. Just because it was a private message does not reduce the impact it can have on a person.
So now it’s your turn
What is your experience with the underground, behind the curtain, “private” sector of the online world? Do you notice different behaviors between men and women? How so?
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Image Credit:Â http://www.flickr.com/photos/stargardener/6127906816/ via Creative Commons
Great points. Yes I do see a difference. Men do not play those games, they ask straight forward questions. I tend ot get more DM’s from men but I think it is because we talk business, we do not want everyone to see our convos.
Now I am thinking, hey I am usually in that role, making others think ;)0 Thanks
@prosperitygal happy to get those hamsters moving. You do the same for me many a’time 🙂
Margie, I will be sharing a post I’ve written with you by DM at the next available opportunity. That is inequality we can easily rectify.
I just skimmed through my DM’s, so to add a guy’s perspective, they are relatively balanced between men and women. That said, most are a note that isn’t, for whatever reason, appropriate for public or for a very specific purpose (business, transactional, scheduling followups, stats, etc).
@Wittlake Well thanks for checking, Eric! Interesting how much private messaging has replaced email, isn’t it?
@margieclayman Yes, and yet I got your reply notification by email. I wish we could get rid of email, but alas, not quite yet.
Hmmmm, I honestly thought the bullying was left in high school. Perhaps I don’t experience it because I wouldn’t put up with it?? My direct messages on Twitter and Facebook are equally distributed when it comes to business, but for the fun “stuff”, it’s obviously slanted toward women (me being a woman and all). I am interested in others responses!
@inawemarketing Do you think that women feel more secure joking around with other women online? Do you not feel there is as much comfort in men and women joking around online?
@margieclayman That’s tough to answer. I’m married and try to protect that at all costs, so while I have male friends there’s a distinct line – those men will pick up the phone and call when they need something – or reply openly. So in most cases direct messages from men come in the way of business.
I just sent you a DM with my comments about this post 🙂
Ok, not really but I have gotten DM comments on posts I’ve published, mostly from people who want to comment but don’t necessarily want to be bullied back because of their comment. I’ve sent a few DMs because I wanted to comment on a post but I just didn’t want to invite trolls onto a post, especially if it was a sensitive subject. (I think I even sent you one once) I use DMs when I discover a typo or grammar mistake as a shoulder tap and whisper to the author. I’ve DMed specific people who have influenced or inspired a particular post (again, you have been on that list!) Mostly DMs for are a really lazy way to send email.
But I’m almost always oblivious on gender though. It does not surprise me that women send DMs to bully other women. And that is something I probably should have just DMed you on 🙂
@dogwalkblog Nah, it’s all part of the conversation.
I also have been the grammar police via DM. I know people who will do that in the public stream, seemingly just to show the world that they know grammar well. I don’t really need that kind of an ego boost, so I’m good keeping it on the down-low 🙂
Thanks, Roof Roof.
The majority of my DMs are still the auto-variety. Otherwise, it is when I have a rapid and personal interchange with a good online friend. Same goes for Facebook messaging. Getting back in touch, getting an update on a personal matter, or just sharing offbeat humor on spur of the moment.
Most of the interaction is guys, although I have a few lady friends who love the Denver Broncos 😉
@dbvickery I am really concerned about your obsession with Denver. I think we’re going to have to have an intervention during this here off-season :)Thanks for sharing, Brian. As always, I appreciate it!
I had not of heard of this before today. When my Facebook profile was still public I got one strange message from someone who friend requested me. That was about the extent of it. All DM’s of been of the auto variety about checking out some service or website. I don’t even get DM’s to share posts, they are usually replies and I don’t mind that stuff being public.
I will echo your words that if you are bullied or receive an upsetting message to tell someone. You can block people as well. It won’t undo the harm, but you won’t receive a message again from that person.
@susansilver Thanks Susan. That’s my main concern, really. What kind of nasty stuff is going on behind “closed doors?” I’ve certainly seen people spread gossip and rumors via private message – who knows how many people those messages get shared with. And that’s another scary thing – there’s really no such thing as “private.” If you send a communication to someone, it can be shared, with or without your knowledge. Best to keep it civil, non?
I get direct messages from men all the time in my “circle” on Twitter. My thought of reasoning on this is because many of the people I talk with on Twitter are educators. Educators are by nature, VERY social–even the men. On Facebook however, it is usually women that message me. -And it’s usually to ask how I’m doing, or ask about another mutual friend/family member. But on LinkedIn-again, a lot of those in education- equal # of men and women message me. Hmm…what do you make of this Ms. Margie?
I am on the same page with you about messaging on Twitter. I use this means if it’s something I want to discuss that doesn’t relate to the general conversations or if I want to give more personal info.
As far as the bullying goes, what?! Adults bully in these mediums? –Or did you mean kids? What happened to the old adage “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?”
@tracyschutz Sad isn’t it? That fully grown-up, allegedly professional people bully each other in private? Kind of gross, huh?
Maybe in certain tight circles direct messaging is more common. I guess my question would be, why not share what you are discussing in public to get more people involved? Unless, of course, it’s stuff you only want to share with your colleagues. I would love to see the conversation about education online grow. 🙂
I probably do get more private messages (on both FB and Twitter) from women than men but, surprisingly, I know quite a few men that utilize the private messaging systems. For me, the primary reason that I engage in private messaging is because the topic is only relevant to the person that the message is directed to. If I am ever unsure about posting something on a person’s wall, I always err on the side of caution and send a message…I never want to unnecessarily make anyone uncomfortable and so, often a quick DM or FB message is the best way to go.
Claudia
@SocialMediaDDS Yeah, I’ve used DMs or messages that way as well. And I have received messages of those kinds too. I guess there is no defined pattern here though, which answers my question. My experience appears to be rather atypical (and I am OK with that!) 🙂