A few years ago, I had the opportunity to present a pretty big, fairly complicated idea to a few people. I was really excited and really passionate about the idea, so I started talking and presenting in full force. As I got to what I really felt was the kicker of the presentation, one of the people in the room started to laugh. It wasn’t a giggle or a guffaw. It was more one of those laughs when you see a little toddler trying to spell words with blocks. I stopped what I was doing and asked what was funny (I guess I was pretty ticked off), and the person said, “No, no, I just think this is great.”
I continued with my presentation, but I wonder to this day if the same presentation, presented by a man, would have garnered the same kind of response. Somehow, I doubt it.
The performing dog syndrome
When I was pursuing my Masters in History, I worked on a thesis that focused on a woman named Phillis Wheatley. She was a slave in Boston just before the American Revolution, but almost from the time she arrived in the colonies, it was discovered that she had an amazing gift for language. She learned English and Latin in months and started writing poetry shortly thereafter. As a woman, not to mention as an African woman, Wheatley became quite the sensation. People would come and watch her write because no one believed that such a “creature” could create poetry in the classical style the way she did (they totally missed the double meaning present in her poems, but that’s a different story). There was never a question about whether her poetry was good or whether it even had a meaning. It was just implausible that she was able to write anything at all.
In modern times, she likely would have been part of a circus act or something similar, as sad as that is to believe.
Have times changed much?
How do you define patronizing?
Often times, when a woman claims that she is being spoken to in a patronizing or condescending manner, the reaction is a roll of the eyes. “Oh, it must be her special time again,” you may hear. However, one also finds that being patronized is something women endure (or at least perceive) quite often. Take, for example, the reaction Joy-Ann Reid had to Mitt Romney handing a poor African American woman a wad of cash while he was on the campaign trail. To her, the act was pure propaganda, and for a man that made a $10,000 bet on stage, handing a poor person a cool fifty-dollar bill seemed more insulting to her than anything good.
It should be noted that the recipient of the $50, however, was entirely thankful. Perhaps patronizing behavior is only in the eye of the beholder.
Patronizing behavior in the business world
It seems like the patronization of women is most often pointed to in the business environment these days. Take, for example, this letter to the editor from June 2011 in which the author notes that a column was patronizing because it indicated there were “too many choices for women to deal with if they wanted to become entrepreneurs.” This article about Sharp Skirts CEO Carla Thompson is also interesting. Thompson apparently has shrugged off a lot of events, Oprah, and Forbes Magazine because whenever she tries to talk business, the subject inevitably turns to fashion or work/life balance or the latest hairstyle. Thompson wonders why women can’t just talk business like the men do. Maybe even with the men. Now wouldn’t that be crazy.
Why does this pattern of behavior exist? Do people think that women prefer to talk about these subjects rather than boring old business? Or is there a darker meaning, like maybe thinking that women just can’t grasp those big words, little acronyms, and complex numbers?
Another question to put out there – how come the strongest group of women in the online world is the “mommy bloggers?” There’s nothing wrong with that, but where are the “women business bloggers?” Where are the “mommy New York Times Best Sellers” authors?
There seems to be a gap there. Is it coincidental or is it comfortable? Is it just okay for women to be super smart about diapers, or can we expand our horizons without getting a chortle or a big condescending smile?
Now it’s your turn
What have been your experiences with this issue? Have you been the recipient of patronizing behavior? Have you been accused of being patronizing when you didn’t think you were even approaching that mode of conversation?
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/xinex/536918685/ via Creative Commons
Hmmm…. Why would ANYONE only want to talk about business. I think that as women we are ‘allowed’ to have a more well rounded life; I get paid to speak about marketing, and often by men’s groups. I’ve been actually pondering the converse of this…. Have you seen this post bouncing around? around: http://kellyoxford.tumblr.com/post/14958669440/nurse-reveals-top-5-regrets-of-the-dying I don’t know if it’s fake, but I’m SURE it’s main points are authentic…. It’s the one time in my life I have sympathy for men in the Business World; ALL they’re expected to do is talk about Business. See, Oprah is one of my great role models because she is the SUPREME business woman without feeling the need to do an imitation of Margaret Thatcher.
@AmyMccTobin Hi Amy,
I agree talking about nothing but business would get super boring for anybody. I think Thompson’s point is that business meetings that involve women or business publications geared towards women often dance around solid business principles in order to talk about how women should dress or how they should do their hair. Thompson notes that Forbes Magazine did a whole section targeting women that was about Halloween costumes or something like that. Very squarely not business related in a environment where business was the expectation.
That’s the difference.
Margie – excellent food for thought.
As a feminist, I lean toward working on less gender-based perspectives but it’s hard to ignore the realities that you address. I’m endlessly amazed how different meetings and projects go when there is a mixture of men and women involved. It’s been my experience:
-When it’s men only, the tone seems super-competitive with lots of sword play and jostling.
-When it’s a mix of men and women, the tone is more collaborative and team oriented.
-When I’m the only man involved, it can be downright frightening until we get to know one another as people – then it works beautifully.
-No clue what a women only environment would be like but can imagine it to be productive and more balanced on the whole – but I will never know.
Sadly, I’ve seen patronizing going on toward women and it’s often quite subtle and culture based. My current and previous careers have allowed me to interact with people around the world. From my experience, it’s the US business world that can be over-center and uptight about the men and women working together – mostly from being too careful and not looking at the person as a person (versus a woman or man).
Of course there are lots of opportunities to grow more inclusive through gender-free language and equal treatment and having continued dialogue such as this will only help.
@PaulKonrardy Very interesting, Paul. Now that you mention it, I don’t think I’ve ever been in an all-women meeting in person. Most of my meetings tend to be co-ed.
Just out of curiosity, do you see any patterns in how men react when they note that one man is patronizing a woman? Or maybe a better question, what are the most effective ways you’ve seen in terms of a woman dealing professionally with a patronizing man OR woman?
@margieclayman Fun questions to answer.”…how men react when they note that one man is patronizing a woman?”Mostly squirming and avoidance. Sometimes, though, the patronizer is pulled aside after the encounter by a leadership position and the two have a one-on-one to address the behavior. I’ve seen that be very effective in curbing that behavior in future encounters. However, when it’s happening, men I’ve observed mostly just sweat it out and pray the meeting will move to the next subject.
“…most effective ways you’ve seen in terms of a woman dealing professionally with a patronizing man OR woman?”
However anecdotal, I once worked in an organization that had a predominantly female membership but predominantly male leadership (Flight Attendant Union). When a man would speak inappropriately toward a woman, the members (mostly female and some male) would speak up and shine the light on that inappropriate behavior – calling it out for what it was. It was wonderful to see the group making the rules cooperatively. In a more traditional business setting, I’ve seen a more restrained version of this happen – mostly after the fact behind closed doors.
Love this topic, Margie.
This is a cute little post, Margie. Are you by any chance a “Mommy Blogger?”
@dougricesmbiz *thwack* 🙂
Is Mommy Blogger a patronizing term.
@TheJackB That’s an interesting question. People talk about how powerful this part of the online world is, and yet the word “mommy” seems kind of…babyish, right? So what is going on there?
@margieclayman FWIW, I have seen women discuss this online and the response isn’t always negative. I imagine that it has to do with the tone and how it is said.
I realize it is not the same, but I am a dad blogger and never worry about what people think.
Hi @margieclayman
To me, it is all about respect (or lack therein as the case may be) As I get older, I find that my tolerance for disrespect is getting less and less. The eye rolling, the “isn’t she cute”, the assumptions that one can’t do something well because of gender, race, culture is just inexcusable to me. One of my biggest pet peeves in life has been the blaming of women’s responses to things on hormones…and, WE WOMEN DO IT OURSELVES SOMETIMES!!! Awful! I am not going to apologize for or share my biological chemistry concerns. I will treat you (anyone) with respect….all I ask is that you (anyone) treat me with respect as well…regardless of my age, gender, race or culture. It’s how we should live…respectfully.
Okay, I’m done ranting…thank you for the platform 😉
Claudia
@SocialMediaDDS Very true, dear lady. Women can be just as patronizing as men can, and it makes me horribly sad when I see it because you *know* the woman has got to know better.
When I was in high school, I was told that I couldn’t be on the varsity Academic Challenge team because “girls aren’t competitive enough.” And that was from a woman coach. Who was very competitive.
Go fig.
@SocialMediaDDS @margieclayman Very good rant!
Very interesting and thought provoking. I have seen patronizing between opposite genders and between same genders. Meaning, men to women, women to men, men to men and women to women. Plus, in work and social environments. As @SocialMediaDDS has expressed its about respect for and to one another?
I grew up being told two different things; each from a different gender.. 1) You can’t or shouldn’t do or say something because you are female. 2) Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do something because of who you are. The later statement was told to me by a male. Guess which road I took…. 🙂
We need to respect one another as individuals.
@dabarlow @SocialMediaDDS That’s pretty much as simple as it is. Respect other people. And yet so many people have such a hard time with that concept. Weird, huh?
No siree. I have absolutely nothing to add. (MY head never stopped moving up and down the entire time i read this post! TWICE!)
I am a woman, yes. Yes I have been on the receiving end of that from patronizing comments to outright sexual harassment. And, why yes! I do believe it was solely because I am a woman!
No, it’s not acceptable, and yes, I believe it should be dealt with harshly and immediately. No matter what sex is involved.
ok, NOW I have nothing more to add! (well, I couldn’t just IGNORE the questions you ended with!)
@girlygrizzly OK. Good. Glad you had nothing else to add, and yet everything else to add 🙂 Your comments are one of my favorite things about blogging.
Great great topic Margie. I see this behavior a lot during Twitter chats, although the magnitude of the offence(s) are far less than the examples you used. There’s certain people who will throw out a tweet or two talking big game about why said chat is so great, yet they never actually seem to participate. Maybe that’s more attention whoring than patronizing, but either way they’re pandoring for the camera.
@SociallyGenius I think that that is a bit different than patronizing, although it depends on what the person tweets. Maybe they feel that using the hashtag gives it more credibility because THEY are so awesome. Now that would be patronizing for sure.