About a year ago, my friend Karima-Catherine Goundiam brought to my attention an article from the Wall Street Journal. The article was called, “Where are all the senior level women?” To say that the article fried my friddle (there’s a saying for you) would be an understatement. The underlying belief in this article and many others is that women are absent from senior management positions in large part because (and I’ll quote this particular article), “As women age, their desire to move to the next level dissipates faster than men’s.”
Other articles note that women allegedly lose their desire to “move to the next level” because their desire to stay home with the kids outdoes anything having to do with work. There is also the “ticking biological clock” that so many speak of. Take as an example this 2008 article that suggests that women should have babies in their twenties because “you can have a career any time you want.”
Granted, there are a ton of women out there who DO definitely prefer to put family first. Even if they have had a lot of success in their professional lives, a lot of women strongly believe that once they have kids, their place is with them. However, I am not sure this is enough to explain why there aren’t more women in CEO or other high level positions.
Where the dads come in
All of that being said, these types of articles that indicate that women are more willing than men to put family first also are perpetuating stereotypes about men, and this often goes overlooked. I have been fortunate to meet or learn about a lot of men who want nothing more than to be with their children as much as possible. They have often put plans on hold or have hauled over their professional lives so that they can be at home more. Many of these men are struggling with society’s odd attitudes about men who are more ambitious about fatherhood than they may be about getting that corner office, just like society has odd attitudes about women who are more ambitious about the corner office than they are about families.
In the struggle on the part of many women to equalize the playing field, the stereotyping that men are now having to fight often gets overlooked. I think this statement from Scott Stratten (aka @unmarketing) is very telling:
I think we’ve lost our way on what a “man” is. We need to go back to a man meaning someone who held doors open for others, who didn’t mind picking up the tab instead of calculating % of bill on their iPhone, and someone that isn’t afraid to show emotion. I guess I want “gentlemen” to return to the front lines. from Digital Dads
There is an increasingly loud voice amongst men indicating that not all men prefer professional success over success at home. Men like Brandon Duncan, CC Chapman, and Bruce Sallan vocalize this perspective on a regular basis. This isn’t to say that these men aren’t desirous of success, of course. It just means that given the choice, an increasingly large number of men are feeling like they need to make clear that they love their families as much as women do.
With all of that in mind, articles that indicate that there aren’t more senior level women because “women care about families more” not only pigeon-hole women. They also pigeon-hole men. Men and women are finding themselves constantly having to swim against society’s pre-determined “normal” to find happiness, and that is not a winning situation for anyone, right?
What are your thoughts about this issue? Are men facing just as many ramifications of sexism as women? If you are a man, do you feel that you are looked down upon if you place your family as your first priority? If you are a woman, do you agree that men are being pigeon-holed based on outdated societal expectations?
I’d love to hear your opinions!
Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cimmyt/5247766968/ via Creative Commons
There is a long list of examples that I could share here. We could talk about how the moms look cross eyed at the dads at the park. Strange men are treated by many women as someone to fear.
Sometimes when I am alone with my kids at the park I see the moms watching me with looks that are less than friendly. Or to take it a different direction I have had more than a few offer to “help’ me do something child related.
Read through the mom blogs and you’ll see regular comments from moms about their husbands that suggest that our parenting skills aren’t quite right. Many of them will say that they know that they treat their husbands “differently.”
I wouldn’t characterize this as being consistent throughout but there is definitely a belief among some women that the power to give birth bestows magical parenting powers upon them. It is not true at all, but it is there.
@TheJackB That’s really frustrating that you have to deal with that kind of crap. One would think that women, who so often are at the receiving end of stereotyping and sexism, would not dole out the same treatment, but I guess that is my Utopian self getting the best of me yet again.
Of course, a lot of the ads that we see on the television don’t help with this mode of thinking. How many ads portray the woman as the domestic diva while the husband/father is a bumbling idiot? It’s a pretty tired program, and yet it keeps on playing.
Hmmm….
After my wife finished her 6 months of maternity leave I raised our son and then the trauma began with a new daughter. But as scared as I was I loved it. The kids were great and as they got ready for school they went to Daddy school. I had worksheets for them, we did crafts, they learned to read and now with a 13 and 11 year old with great grades and an eagerness to participate in leadership programs I feel pretty good. The bride and I made a choice that worked for us even though I had friends that looked at me weird because I was home with the kids getting my job done in between the kids needs or at night. I don’t care what they think anymore it was all worth it and being home for them when they come home from school everyday has been priceless. Snacks, talks, goofy TV shows, being there for them:) Kids deal with a lot and it’s been nice for them to have someone they can count on.
@TomKostiuk That *should* be what it’s all about, right? Whether it’s your mom or your dad or an aunt or an uncle or a grandparent, kids should have someone reliable in their lives, who is there when they need something. It is getting increasingly hard for parents to be able to be home when the kids get home from school, and I’m sure the pressure is getting increasingly tough for parents who aren’t able to do that. It’s great that you and your wife were able to work things out so that one of you could always be around. Sounds like a great deal, if you ask me 🙂
I actually believe women finally have all the choices available to them. Men still get funny looks if they choose or have to be the stay at home parent. I’m glad the playing field is more level as far as careers. Whether women have a stronger gut to come back home when there are kids, I won’t argue…I tend to think women are more nurturing inherently than men, but that is a stereotype of which there was any number of exceptions.
Ted Rubin said something to me after I moderated a panel at BlogWorldLA. The panel was about Dad stereotypes and my panelists were great dad bloggers and dads. Ted said, and I’m paraphrasing, “Stop whining and just get on with it.”
I think we dads doth protest too much. Opportunities abound for all of us. Yes, we are currently living in rough economic times but “This Too Shall Pass.”
Great blog, MC…thx for including me on that great list of great dads!
Oops, typo…”of which there are…”
@BruceSallan1 Can’t argue with what Ted said. I sometimes wonder if some of our fellow dad bloggers are really offended or if it is just a good excuse for a blog post.
It is not just in the career field that men are getting the short end of the family stick. Have you seen what happens to men in family court? During a divorce, the female invariably gets full custody; he gets child support and every other weekend. If he can’t afford to pay it, he goes to jail.
In a domestic violence scenario, men are frequently hauled off to jail even if they didn’t start it or raise a hand. There is a myth that “someone has to go to jail.” and police feel it is better to leave the kids with the mothers – so off the dad goes to jail for a crime he may not have even committed – and his reputation is tarnished without any evidence of foul play. The men I know want to have a bigger part in the lives of their children, but they are prevented from doing so by archaic beliefs that kids are better off with the mom being home (Golden Uterus Syndrome) and by stereo-types that men have to be the bread winners.
Great post. Thanks for sharing.
@FreeNClearStuff Very glad you decided to weigh in here. Your perspective is extremely valuable. I like the “Golden Uterus Syndrome” concept…I wonder if women use that to play against each other too. Who is the biggest domestic diva here?
@margieclayman They most definitely do use it against each other as well – Some mothers will tell kids not to listen to the step-mother (even though they are in her care) because she’s not their mother or treat a man’s children from a second marriage like second class children compared to her own. Also, if you’ve ever observed young mothers on a playground, you have no doubt witnessed “Mom-atician” or competition between moms. Jenny Larson (The Blogess) has a hilarious video on YouTube called “Judgement – Your Soaking In It” that completely illustrates it. If you aren’t offended by some foul language, and want a great laugh, check it out.
What I have to say to you has to do with you – and not the subject per se.
Is there something that I can do for you, Margie? Something that would give you joy for a moment? I would like to hear you speak joyfully (about anything) every now and then. Because I believe you do want to speak from joy! And if I can help, just tell me, and I’ll do whatever I can.
Because you matter.
@Faryna Aw, sorry my blog posts bum you out, Stan. I have plenty of joy, but thank you 🙂 I just talk about serious stuff here for the most part.