You Are Not Alone

I’ve been regaling pretty much anyone who will listen lately about my adventures in reading the letters of Mary Todd Lincoln. For the last few days I’ve been trudging through Mary’s first year of widowhood. Her letters are filled with wishes that she would die so that she could join her husband. I don’t have the letters she received (she apparently burnt most of the letters she got) but one can imagine her friends trying to cheer her up with reminders of family life and holidays. She would hear none of it. In fact, Mary wrote to one friend whose husband was dying, “I wish I had had the chance to nurse my husband through a long illness. One final word would have meant so much.” Notes about Christmas inspired Mary to write about how miserable her Christmas was going to be. Notes of condolence just seemed like an open invitation for her to go on about how she wanted to die. No one was more alone than she.

If there is one thing I have learned in my time here on Earth, it’s that everybody has a story – at least one. Even the people who seem the happiest have a story they might sit down to tell you during a late-night talk. Everyone has something in their lives that is a tender spot, and it is a spot that can be poked without anyone realizing what they are doing.

When we are in the throes of something painful, whatever it might be, it is very easy to feel isolated and alone. It seems like everybody has the thing we have lost. It seems like everybody is enjoying what we’re lamenting. It seems everybody is taking for granted that which we want most. It was easy for Mary to feel that, having lost two sons and a husband, she was the most cursed woman walking the face of the earth, and yet one of her dear friends had lost six children. Two of her friends, in the course of a year, also lost their husbands. The details were different, but had Mary chosen, she could have come together with those women and learned from them, and they might have learned from her. She might not have felt so alone.

When that tender part of your heart is stabbed (and that can happen SO easily here in the online world, where words are thrown carelessly about), try your hardest to avoid the downward spiral that convinces you that you are alone. You are not alone. And if you are going through something awful just now, as you are reading this, you are not alone. And people are not purposefully trying to make that tender spot bleed.

Do not lock yourself behind a dark veil and closed doors when you go through a hard time. Do not convince yourself you are alone by creating a reality in which you physically are alone. There is not a person who has walked your exact path, but there are people who have walked paths that are very similar. They are walking them now. You may not be able to see them because they might feel alone too, but they are there. Reach out and grab a hand. Reach out and tell a piece of your story. You might be surprised to find how far from alone you really are.

Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/sand_creation/6129983779/ via Creative Commons

 

7 Comments

  1. sharongreenthal on June 26, 2012 at 9:29 am

    That’s such great advice, Margie. We sometimes want to hide away during the rough moments, but staying connected makes things so much easier.

    • margieclayman on June 26, 2012 at 1:52 pm

       @sharongreenthal thanks Sharon. well said! 

  2. GrandmaOnDeck on June 26, 2012 at 9:47 am

    Staying connected during the rough spots is a very timely message for so many, It is also special coming from a youthful heart. It is a good message for seniors who feel isolated at times. It would also be a good thing if nursing homes could hook up facebook so their clients could keep in touch with family.It could easily be under the Activities
    Director’s duties. Thank you Margie.

    • margieclayman on June 26, 2012 at 8:26 pm

       @GrandmaOnDeck That’s a really good idea, Gloria. It could also help people feel more engaged and more interested in sharing. I like the way you think! 

  3. kevjkirkpatrick on June 26, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    This reminded me of the late Dan Quisenberry the great KC Royals reliever and even better human being. He was dying of brain cancer and someone asked him if he ever thought to himself ‘Why me?’ And his response was ‘Why not me? I’ve got just as good a chance to get through this as anyone else…..
    Quiz wasn’t bitter, never complained and must of not felt alone!
    Great post Margie!
     

    • margieclayman on June 26, 2012 at 1:54 pm

       @kevjkirkpatrick That’s a great response. I think sometimes people shelter themselves away because they are wrestling with their sense of entitlement. “I deserve to have…xyz” becomes “Why don’t I have it?” That can be as tough, maybe even tougher, than the actual problem they’re experiencing. Why me implies “Maybe someone else.” And that’s just not nice! 

  4. jabbacrombie on June 27, 2012 at 12:36 am

    Ah, the therapeutic value of writing. It got me through mom’s death. http://wp.me/p1Dq2f-DW

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