People in the online world often talk about engagement as a light, fluffy, kumbaya sort of thing. But let’s face facts here. Sometimes, interactions with people are not fun. Sometimes we disagree with each other. Sometimes someone says something that really throws you for a loop. Sometimes someone disappoints you, misunderstands you, or lets you down. It’s hard online to figure out how to deal with these situations. Do you defend yourself against every perceived offense? Do you ignore every scenario where your feelings get hurt?
I’ve watched a lot of people ignore some battles and fight others online, and I’ve done the same. I have a few ideas about how you can pick your battles in the online world.
1. Is someone trying to “get a rise” out of you? Sometimes, people like cornering you into a reaction because it means they’re getting attention. Take a step back and try to perceive whether this is the case. The best thing you can do is deny that person the pleasure.
2. Is it really a battle? We’ve talked about this a ton here. Tonality is virtually impossible to read online, especially when you’re first getting to know someone. Maybe something you read as an insult is just them being funny. Make sure that there’s a battle raging before you pick a battle to fight.
3. Will fighting this battle help or hurt your community? Sometimes, battling a person can help other people in your community (for example, if someone is constantly bullying people in your circle of friends). Other times, though, battling a person can make your community look bad. Is it worth it?
4. Will fighting this battle help you solve a problem, or will it cause one? You know from observing other people that sometimes, when you engage in battle, the other person calls on reinforcements, and things can escalate fast, kind of like that fight scene in Anchorman! Do you want to run that risk? Is it important?
5. Are your beliefs, or are you as a person, being hurt? There is a line between business disagreements and personal attacks. If someone is attacking you or someone you care about, and if it seems like battling them will make them stop rather than feed the fire, that decision may come easily to you.
These are just 5 considerations that cross my mind as I choose my battles online. How do you pick your battles? Have you had to implement that strategy online? I’d love to hear from you!
This is post #37 in the Engagement Series. Visit the category page to see what we’ve been talking about so far!
Image by Katinka Haslinger. http://www.sxc.hu/profile/isah
Margie your first line had me laughing and saying oh yes! Totally agree that tonality is very hard in the online world and things which are not meant as insults get read that way very easily.
I find I also take my tone from others and if a discussion is heated get heated myself so perhaps that is number 6 dont be led on!
That’s a great addition, Ali. It’s so easy to jump into the middle of a fracas, especially if people we like are involved, but it seldom is a good idea!
I really think that number 2 is the one I mostly confront myself with. I have been glad many times not to react quickly. Sometimes you read something in a certain way and then when you go back to it you realize it was not as bad.
I usually keep people that are trying to hurt my efforts on a list and every time they do something to hurt my efforts I keep a Tally if I run into any content they have created. I collect the issues via screenshots for example and if the person continues I then make a decision if I should expose that person that is hurting my community, others, or myself. By the time I have to make a decision I have enough time to let it cook in my head.
Number 1 is the most common and I work hard at reading people like that so I don’t give them the satisfaction.
I like your strategy regarding number 2! That’s a really great idea! I find that by the time you work up a big case against someone, you’ve usually lost interest. Kind of a big lesson there, huh? 🙂 Thanks as always, Raul.
Margie,
Ohh I am going to be thinking about this post all day Margie! “Sometimes, people like cornering you into a reaction because it means they’re getting attention.” I am seeing this behavior more and more online and in a community that we both share. Yuck! Thankfully the mean people are few and far between.
I also have strong feelings about the long, drawn out battles hurting the community as a whole. I have witnessed this effect several times and have seen many of my friends leave due to this behavior. No one likes it. At some point, maybe after 3 or 4 tweets in the stream a heated discussion should be taken off the stream. No one likes an angry stream of tweets between two or three people. It is an extremely self-serving activity with no positive benefits to the community. Ego is a strong motivator to many but I would portend that being “right” about everything is not a conversation.
I just read this quote yesterday from the 4 Agreements: “Release the need to be right. When you believe something, you assume you are right and you may even destroy relationships in order to defend your position. Let go of the need to defend your position.” Community is about giving, being positive and supporting one another.
Love your thoughts Social Sistah!
Peggy
I will take that aphorism into my day “Release the need to be right.” That is a great place to stand, with the option of moving your position at any time for the sake of the outcomes.
I don’t often participate in battles online anymore, particularly I thought of Twitter as my “Happy Place” but I met you Margie because of my passion for online safety, and thank you for your wise words of advice. Indeed pick your battles.
The thing I have learned that is most important is that no answer is an answer, Now I must learn to also give everyone another chance. We all are fighting are own battles off as well as online. You just never know what the other person is dealing with. Compassion wins the war, so to speak.
Hello Margie, 🙂
Well said Peggy. Self serving ego based behavior does nobody any favors. Least of all the person with the issue. Not biting. 🙂 “Community is about being positive and supporting each other” #quote
Be Bigger Do Bigger Go Bigger.
Hello Margie, I loves you Lady 🙂
I have learned so far in my 6 decades of tweeting I don’t care about battles. I care about giving, bringing my gifts and helping people.. I am not easily offended, naive or fake. I am real and that’s what you get from me. Every time. Authentic, Soldier of the Light, Heart and Soul
But if you think I am weak, don’t try and play me because I will bring it in force with the light and wrath of the Lord. I don’t take prisoners ever. So I will do my best to avoid a war.and instigate peace.
That’s just how we roll in my hood.
Peace.