Over the last year or so especially, as Instagram has really taken off, I’ve noticed a phenomenon. Maybe you’ve seen it too. It goes something like this.
You’re scanning your Twitter or Facebook feed and you see an update like, “Out to dinner with my wonderful spouse to celebrate our anniversary.” And then there’s a picture. Then a few minutes later there’s another picture showing the appetizer they got. Then another picture pops up with the updater’s main course and that of their spouse. Then pictures of dessert.
To be honest, these kinds of things really make me sad. They really do. Because what it signifies is that the person who is doing all of that posting is really not focusing on that special person they’re with. Every time you see a tweet or a Facebook update with a picture, that’s a moment where that special someone is sitting there while the updater is looking at his or her phone. It means that the person doing those updates is thinking about the social network more than the person they’re with. If you’re out with a truly special person, I feel like these actions really must be hurtful to that person, especially if it’s an anniversary.
We all love to share these days, and I get that. But I make a conscientious effort to keep my phone buried in my purse when I’m out with someone. I have never (to the best of my knowledge) taken and posted a picture of food while I’ve been out with a friend or a family member. In fact, and you’re going to think this is really wacky, I sometimes go out to eat with a person and don’t even take a picture of us together. Why? Because when I’m out with a person (and I don’t want you all to take this the wrong way) I’m actually wanting to be WITH that person. I love you all but feel certain you can survive a brief absence on my part.
With all of that being said, I have an experiment I want you to try. Are you ready?
The next time you go out to eat with a friend or family member at a restaurant, I want you to keep your phone in your pocket or in your purse. In fact, if no one will likely need to reach you for an hour or so, leave the phone entirely at home. Don’t think about how good that martini would look with a tinted Instagram look to it. Don’t think about how awesome a time you’re having and how you should probably tell your 5,000 closest friends about it. Enjoy the person you’re with. Converse with them without interruption. Enjoy the food not as it looks on your phone, but rather how it tastes in your mouth. Go a whole meal without posting to your networks.
I suspect you will find that you enjoy yourself much more than usual.
If you do this experiment, come back and tell me how it went. Did you survive a whole meal without your phone? Was it fun? I’m looking forward to hearing about it!
Image Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/procsilas/306417902/ via Creative Commons
Whoa, this is a tough experiment to pull haha. I don’t take photos often but I do check my mailbox VERY often. It’s gonna be a tough one to go against lol.
@janwong Well you’re the perfect candidate to try this experiment then, aren’t ya? 🙂
My default state with any of my friends and family in any in-person interaction is “off the record.” Period. When I do stray into stories that include them, I change some of the facts, I spin a little more but mostly, I ASK PERMISSION and they are always free to say no. And no means no.
When the meeting is specifically about social media, everyone is on board with the tweeting and the photos and that is ok. There is a common understanding that it is part of the meeting.
The larger issue is we are losing the art of discretion. Not everything should be made public to people who have no skin in MY game of MY life. That does not detract away from this bullsh*t of “transparency” even as you have all these “experts” saying it does. I want to be able to meet with someone without everyone knowing it. I want to be able to eat a fattening dessert and get away with it. I want to be able to have a business meeting with someone without everyone — including competitors — knowing what I am doing and where I am. If someone tweets I am having lunch or interviewing them without my permission, that is the last time I meet with them. Probably a bit harsh, but that is my price. And it is not negotiable.
@dogwalkblog You are dealing with far more weighty issues of privacy, permission, etc. I remember once a friend of mine posted a picture of me and tagged it. I was feeling like crap that day and definitely looked like I was feeling like crap. I was totally humiliated and asked them to entirely remove the picture. I kept refreshing my page in a torturous way until the picture finally disappeared.
But discretion also works in terms of being sensitive to a person’s feelings while you’re with them. Even before social media took off, texting was becoming a problem. I was hanging with a friend whom I hadn’t seen for a good many years and they spent most of the time texting with a boyfriend they were fighting with. It made me feel insignificant and like my company was not appreciated. Now imagine making your spouse or your kids or your BFF feel that way. Not cool.
@margieclayman I guess it all really just stems from mutual respect. Either way, we are not on a good track…
I’m going to challenge you on this one, Margie. As with most things, it’s a question of moderation. I always try to “be present” in conversations and experiences. At the same time, communal experience is a part of life.
Many years ago I proposed to my wife in a small town on the Italian Riviera. We went to dinner afterwards and were eager to tell people about our exciting news but nobody spoke English. Our only option was navigating the long distance operator on a pay phone. It was actually a source of frustration that here was one of the most exciting moments of our lives and we couldn’t share it with anyone.
This past Saturday I went out to dinner with my wife (long overdue, I might add). As usual, we talked about many important things and many trivial but no less interesting things. In the midst of this, we were delivered some drinks as we sat overlooking a beautiful sunset over the Hudson River. We took a moment to capture it as a picture so that we’d always remember it. And with a simple click on my smartphone, I shared this beautiful moment with friends.
Perhaps instead of thinking of it as a distraction, think of it as a view into someone’s life they wish to share.
@berkson0 I see your point, Alan. But I think as Roof Roof says below, it’s about discretion. Photographing the moment when you get engaged – that makes sense. Photographing every course of your meal? To me, that just seems to dilute the enjoyment of being in the moment WITH the person you are with. Does that make sense?
@margieclayman Of course it does. But you’re overlaying YOUR value system on THEIR experience. Some people like to yell at the movie screen when they watch. I like total silence. I like to Tweet dozens of time per day; some people protect their tweets (or don’t tweet at all). How people choose to express themselves is a part of them; good or ill. What you may see as over-sharing, may be visceral experience for them.
Your post brings out an excellent point that we all need to take time to nurture/nourish our relationships. How we do that is a different story. 🙂
I hear you. And I did just that on Friday. Met a tweep in real life, never touched the phone til I needed to check time cause I had another appointment. Should have worn a watch. That next appointment was dinner with a friend I hadn’t seen for a year. We visited, laughed, ate and as we got ready to leave, snapped a really quick photo to send a few friends saying we had been thinking of them. I thought later I should post on FB so a few more friends…. still haven’t and that’s fine too. I think there is some balance to it though and sometimes will snap a photo when food arrives and maybe tweet it as I leave. Or maybe share something early on & then stay away but I hear what you are saying about updates every 10 minutes. I want to be able to really enjoy the event. I can always share some later.
@Janice aka JPlovesCOTTON That’s part of my point too, Janice. Even if you want to snap some pictures, why not wait to share until you’re home? They’ll still be on your phone. Your Facebook friends will still be there. Once you post stuff then your email starts going off. It seems like a downward spiral attention-wise from there.
Every Friday night my husband and I go out to dinner and our phones stay home..It is fun and we make a joke of it…but really we love it!! Great post Here is the link http://youtu.be/_12ztpeUh3U…our two minds think a like
@JodiOkun That link didn’t work for me, Jodi, but I’m always happy to hear I’m sharing a brain with you 🙂 Thanks!
I love this post, Margie. My hubby is a non-tech guy. He doesn’t own a cell phone (I can hear all the gasps now) and believes I am addicted to my iPhone. He insists that there be no social networking when we are out together, and you know what, that’s OK! It lets me focus on him and forget about all the craziness for a while and just enjoy life the way we used to — you know, before Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and smartphones. I know if it wasn’t for his insistence, I’d probably never take that needed break. THANKS for this post!!!
@NancyCawleyJean Well good for your husband, Nancy 🙂
It is hard to believe that only a few short years ago, it probably would never have occurred to us to take a picture of our meals, even if they were really pretty. It’s dizzying how quickly times change. But that can also be a comfort. If we were able to eat and enjoy each others’ company only a few short years ago, surely we can get there again. I think that now, going through a meal or a meet-up without checking your phone is as much an act of love as saying the words. You know?
It depends on the moment and experience. Sometimes a moment comes where I know I would have taken a picture regardless of whether I knew of social media or not.
What I find most salient and important is the reminder you give to be present with the person you are with. That is something that I cannot and will not argue.
@TheJackB Thanks Jack. That’s what worries me – we’re so worried about our “networks” I fear we aren’t fully engaged with the people sitting right there. That could create a lot of big trouble down the line.
I’ve seen your phone, Margie….just sayin 😉
You are right, and I am guilty of checking in before we eat. Sometimes if the drink is especially unique or the dessert is just over the top awesome, then we will take a picture and share. Of course, I do it with permission from my lovely wife…because she is my #1!
Sometimes we get caught up in the “how awesome is this” moment, and we want to share. Unlike a status update you can do later, a FULL martini glass does not stay there forever with the condensation deliciously dripping off the glass on a hot Friday afternoon!
Having said all of this, I still love your idea. The only time I’m without a smart device is when we go to Mexico!
OK I am guilty but I have to admit I enjoy seeing where my kids are eating in the city. I will make an effort to take fewer pics of my dogs as the kids always complain at how many more pics I have of 4 legged creatures than humanoids! Great Post M!
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