Are you a fan of Arrested Development? I sure am. If you aren’t familiar, Arrested Development lasted 3 seasons on Fox. It is about a super rich family that’s totally dysfunctional and becomes even more dysfunctional when the dad is arrested by the SEC for illegal doings at the family-owned company. There are a lot of delicious moments in the series that could really be used to illustrate things about the world of social media, but I’m just going to talk about one today.
The two oldest brothers, GOB (stands for George Oscar Bluth, played by Will Arnett) and Michael (played by the still cute Justin Bateman) had had a huge argument. Michael came to realize he needed his brother’s help with something. He runs into GOB and says, “Oh, I’m so sorry about our argument. You’re a really great brother and you deserve more respect.” Michael then pauses for about 5 seconds. Then he says, “I need a favor.”
GOB responds, “Well, that was subtle.”
This interaction, unfortunately, captures almost precisely (minus the “brother” stuff) some experiences I’ve had online lately.
Give to get, but wait a minute (at least) for the getting part
If you’ve been in the online world for 2-3 minutes, you’ve probably heard something like “give to get.” When I first was starting out last year, this was like the social media mantra. Promote others more than yourself. Give more than you get. And so on. The problem is that people have started taking this kind of….literally.
Here’s the thing. Getting compliments, retweets, or other nice things online is something we all enjoy. However, if you are too quick on the draw after doing something nice for someone, a few things happen. A few bad things. For example:
• You lose your credibility with that person
• Your compliment or complimentary action becomes null and devoid of meaning
• The person (if it’s me) will likely feel disinclined to do whatever you want because, let’s face it, no one likes to feel like they are being completely manipulated.
But…what about give to get?
The truth is that the give to get dance is a delicate one. It’s one that requires some common sense and a light touch. Let me see if I can break it down for you a bit more.
Do NOT:
Send an email that seems like it is really personal on the surface and then end it with, “by the way, here’s a post I’d like you to tweet out.”
Do:
Keep your actual friendly relationships with people separate from the favors you want them to do. If you are really friends with them, they are likely to catch up on your blog, and your kind email will motivate them to support you.
Do NOT:
A favorite trick, I’ve noticed, is to say something super nice on “Follow Friday” on Twitter and then direct message me about a post you have written. Literally, within seconds of typing the “I appreciate you for,” you send a DM asking for the “get.” This makes me feel very icky.
Do:
If you want to say something nice about someone, say it. If you are only saying it because you’ve written a post that you think is your masterpiece, forego the note of appreciation and ask for the favor from that person. If you only wait a brief pulse before asking for the favor, you’re taking all of the meaning out of your beautiful statement anyway. Better to preserve your authenticity, right?
Do NOT:
Don’t leave comments on peoples’ blogs just so that you can plug your own post and ask them to retweet it. I am a firm believer in the idea that blog promotion should come from a place of genuine feeling and authenticity. If you like my blog post and you want to comment on it, I will tell you how much I appreciate it. I will try my best to visit your blog when I can. If you use my blog to guilt me into visiting your blog, you’ll turn me off the whole concept.
Do:
Use commenting or blog promotion to build a relationship with the blogger. If the relationship becomes a genuine thing, that blogger will want to check out what you’re writing anyway. You might have to wait a few minutes or maybe even a few weeks, but it’ll happen, and it will mean more to you in the end because the blogger would be reading your work with no sense of obligation.
The concept of transparency online is really important. However, if it is transparently obvious that you are just doing nice things so you can get nice things, it’s going to backfire on you. One thing people are quick to pick up on is when they are being used. It can create really bad feelings about you, which is really sad. I don’t want that to happen to you, so I hope this post helps.
Does this make sense to you? What would you add?
This is post #95 in The Engagement Series. I hope you enjoyed it!
Image by Thomas van den Berg. http://www.sxc.hu/profile/thomasje
Margie,
Another one to the list is people that add you to these daily summaries of news. I know of one twitter that does not even like me but still keeps some of my efforts and mentions me often so it looks like she is doing me a favor.
I really don’t get her approach and it annoys me that she takes this approach towards acting like she is engaging really bothers me.
I agree with you completely be genuine be transparent it will get you a lot further.
yeah…a lot of that is automated though, so I’m not sure how much of that is really malicious…that can get annoying though, no doubt 🙂
Well said. Too many people seem to forget that the social niceties that exist in the real world apply here too. If you build relationships with people it is much easier to ask for a favor or for help. No one wants to feel like they are being used but that is how much of his comes across.
Great point, Jack. It’s as if the rules are different here because you can’t look someone eye to eye. OH, by the way, I’d appreciate it if you tweeted about this new post of mine! ;D
well said, Jack. Although I’m starting to think maybe people don’t know how to be nice in the real world, too, which could explain a lot 🙂
I know I’m probably still a naive newbie, but my focus isn’t “give to get,” it’s “just give.” I read, comment, share, chat, and learn. And I have a lot of fun doing all of these things. I don’t share anything out of obligation–I share because I want to. No expectations here–I’m just building real friendships.
I’m of the same mindset Marianne and always have been. It’s more fun this way.
You have it right, Marianne. The idea is that if you give a lot, good things will happen for you. A lot of people, I think, take (took) “give to get” a bit too literally though 🙂
Another ‘hit the nail on the head’ post, Margie. I have seen so many little jabs in the last few weeks talking about this. Sure, I have (on occasion) asked for people to look at something, check the placement of this or that, and I have asked for help a couple of times, but I always felt kind of ‘ick’ doing it. I can’t imagine how gutsy someone would have to be to just come right out with it, but disguising it.
I just can’t do it. I’d rather not ask for anything and suffer the consequence of slow growth. I don’t think it’s worth the negatives.
Hey BD,
I think there are ways to ask for favors that aren’t disgusting or gutsy. I tend to find that asking favors on behalf of others, for example, goes a lot better than asking favors on your own behalf. Or if you are really sending an important message, it’s okay to contact a few people. Be honest about why you’re contacting them and if they don’t act or if they take awhile to respond….leave it!
Another excellent post, Margie. When I first started using SM about two years ago, I was gung ho on the give, give, give and it felt disingenuous to me from the beginning but, there was a tacit message that this is how things are done. It wasn’t until I started actually meeting some of these people I was “following” in real life that I actually began to put some thought in my “gives”. I am a fierce and loyal fan…if I like a blog, a product or a company, I really “like” them…and I will promote them, their concept and their product willingly and without any expectations for returned favors….ever. I have never liked the feeling that I should give just so I could get. I figure, I’ll get my “gets” when they are deserved and when that happens, I will know it is genuine and not because it’s obligatory.
Thank you for another thoughtful and compelling post….Claudia
Hi Claudia,
I agree with you. That’s a huge deal for me. If you get a comment from me or if you get a tweet from me, you know it’s because I read your post, I liked it (or didn’t) and I wanted to let you know. It’s why I hesitate to use services like Triberr (even though you can turn the automation off if you like). I want you to always know that you are getting my honest opinion. I hope for the same from folks.
Great post as always, Margie! I think what irks me the most are mentions with links: “@you httplinkhere.com”. I think that’s worse than asking for a favor. Also, I find it amazing to see how so many people still rely on auto DMs to promote their site especially when they say “thanks for connecting”. That sure does not seem like connecting to me.
Hi, sir.
Yes, those are kind of in your face, aren’t they? But then again, at least it’s honest 🙂
Excellent post Margie – you’ve been reading my mind! I also agree with the comments above.
I do what I do (read & promote posts, RT, etc) because I want to, with no expectation of a return. That makes me real. People know if I share something of interest that I mean it. That’s just how I am.
Yep – great minds, eh? 🙂