Remember when you would go up to your mom or dad when you were a kid, and you’d say something like, “My finger really hurts when I bend it this way!” You would be expecting some sympathy. Maybe a cookie. Instead, you’d hear, “Well, I guess you’d better not bend your finger that way then.”
This post – it’s going to be kind of like that.
Let’s turn your thinking inside out
A lot of bloggers in Social Media, including yours truly, talk about how to create and exceed expectations for yourself. There is a lot of talk about goals. There is a lot of talk about metrics and benchmarking.
There’s something I’ve noticed though, and maybe you’ve noticed it too. A lot of the problems that people bump into online are actually caused by expectations we have of other people, and their willingness (or not) to live up to those expectations. So let me ask you some questions. And let’s talk about it.
What do you expect your followers to do when you tweet out your own post? Do you expect that they will retweet your tweet? Do you expect that they will click the link and read your post? Do you expect them to read the post and comment on it? Do you expect them to do everything above?
What do you expect a person to do after you have tweeted out their blog post?
What do you expect a blogger to do if you comment on his or her post?
If you think about these questions, you probably have some sort of answer for them. I know I do. When you think about that a bit more, what we’re really saying is that we have a lot of expectations that we place on people. Often, these expectations are not verbalized. Sometimes we don’t even realize we have these expectations. But suddenly, when our expectations are not exceeded, or when we feel discouraged because people aren’t doing what we expect, we may act out, throw a fit, lash out, or otherwise lose our online cool. That’s not a good thing.
The bad news
OK, I’m a bad news kind of person, so let me lay some hard truths on you first.
1. People do not dwell inside your head. They do not saturate themselves in your thoughts and feelings.
2. People do not keep track of everything you say, blog, tweet, or write. A quick reference to something you said six years ago today may not register with some people.
3. People cannot know what you expect unless you tell them.
4. Even if they know what you want – people may not do it. People are silly that way.
The good news
Now here is the good news. We can get our expectations under control so that we don’t end up feeling like we’re running into a brick wall.
If you have expectations of people, you first need to come clean with yourself. If you expect people to comment on your blog posts, you need to admit that to yourself. If you expect a blogger to respond to your comment, you need to be honest with yourself and say so.
Then, you need to come to terms with those expectations and determine which ones are realistic and which ones will just lead you to disillusionment.
There are some common expectations that I see evidence of on a regular basis, and they almost always lead to frustration. So, if you carry these expectations with you, it may be time to rethink things a bit. There are a few expectations people carry that I think almost always lead to frustration or disappointment. For example:
Do you expect that irritating patterns of behavior will cease if you always draw attention to those that present that behavior?
Do you expect that people will continue to build you up if you never build up other people?
Do you expect that a blogger who receives 75 comments per post will always be able to answer you?
Do you expect that a request for a significant amount of time will always be met just as you wish?
It might be hard to admit that we carry these expectations. We might not be proud of them. But we need to identify them. And we need to address them.
So, what do you expect?
When you sign into Twitter, or when you write a blog post, do people walk in knowing what your expectations are? Do you know what your expectations are for each action that you send out? Are you paving the way to frustration for yourself and others, or are your expectations more aligned with your end-goal?
Let me know what you come up with in the comments.
And no, I don’t expect you to. I just am glad if you do.
Love it.
I totally agree, I think we all have expectations and it’s definitely a good thing if we come to terms with our own expectations first. It will help reduce disappointment and if you actually make it clear to people what you want in some way, they may actually do it!
They just may. But if they do it by chance, you’re just setting yourself up in a house made o’cards. And that is just not a good idea!
Thank you 🙂
What a terrific post! (We should expect no less of you.) In social media, as in life, one’s expectations should be kept to a minimum. As Jonathan Swift said, “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
Thanks, Bob. Much appreciated. That Swift guy…he was a smart one. 🙂
Ooooooohhhh, good one.
What I like about this is that is DEFINITELY does not just apply to social media world, but real-life relationships, too. No, people do not dwell inside our minds. Good one. I’ll try to remember that the next time I stare at hubby long and hard hoping he’ll take the overflowing garbage out. Now, off to Twitter to make sure I’m doing for others what I hope (expect?) they would do for me.
So true. In real life, as online, most of us are not mind readers 🙂 I think a lot of the advice that marriage counselors give out is based on the premise that you actually need to communicate. Even if it seems obvious, people can’t read your mind and say, “Oh, this is ticking her/him off.”
Sad but true 🙂
Hey Margie,
This post helped me take another look at “Call to action”. You said it best here “People cannot know what you expect unless you tell them.”
I’ve found that I assume my readers will “kinda get” that I’m in the business of social media coaching. I hope they understand that I’m building a community “on purpose and with purpose”. I assume that they know that I need their feedback, retweets, and comments.
I fail when I do this.
On the flip side their is something attractive, bold, and powerful to setting expectations and making sure the are met. Saying what you want. Doing something. Shipping something. Holding readers accountable to you and themselves. Somehow I think this is what blogging is all about.
You’ve got me thinking…
Well, this is a very high compliment indeed!
I think it’s true though. We make an awful lot of assumptions, not just about other people but about ourselves. Some of us may say, “Oh, I’m not here to make money.” But then we feel down, for some reason, when we don’t make money. Others of us say, “Oh, I don’t care about the number of Twitter followers I have.” But for reasons we can’t pinpoint, we feel unfulfilled when we don’t have as many followers as the next person.
Being honest about what you expect helps you realize if you are on the track you want to be on and if you are aiming for the right goals. Call it a gut check, I guess 🙂
True that 🙂
Margie
Having talked about this with you on the phone about what we want people to do when we post a blog the first answer is to read it. Of course we want people to read it. But as we talked about and you so well discussed here, we want people to share it which is why we install the share buttons. We also want people to comment which is why we install a commenting service. By doing this we assume that people will do what we are asking – but are we really asking? I mean if I post it should be understood that hey if you like this post, share it around with others so they benefit from it too. Sometimes that is not always understood. Same goes with subscribe. Heck the button is there really BIG but yet sometimes when we but a blurb down at the bottom of the post (love the way Tom Martin does his) we suddenly get people to subscribe. We have to ask. We have to tell.
I have no real expectations these days. Ok, ok, yes I do have a few – that the sun will shine here in the desert every day; that my car will start each time I turn the key, that I will see your smiling face each day on twitter and FB, that my son will come in each morning and greet me with a hug and kiss and push me over on the bed so that he can come in and snuggle for a minute or 2. Outside of that, I do not have any as it is not that I do not want to be disappointed. No, I want expectations but then I would have to be more vocal and right now I am comfortably numb in my world of silence.
What expectations do you have Margie? Just curious.
Hmm, what are my expectations?
I expect people to understand the quid pro quo nature of the online world to some extent.
I expect people to be civil – always. (often a brick wall there 🙂 )
I expect people to tell me when they’ve done something great.
I expect people to come find me when times are tough.
I expect people to accentuate the positive as often as possible (I work hard to do this).
More big life stuff, but it works for the online world, too 🙂
Thank you for your great comment, but I don’t think you are doing me or anyone else any favors by shrouding yourself in a world of silence. I don’t believe it for a second, anyway 🙂
Hmmm. Hadn’t thought of this in this way. I guess when I sit down to write, I have a simple hope – that my readers (and I have a very specific segment of them in mind) might be inspired to do something a little differently in the future.
Am I demanding? Maybe just a bit. Is this wrong or right? Not so sure. If just one of them makes a small change and improves his/her business, it was a success.
This is a great post. I’ll think about this some more.
@jwsokol
Thanks Jason. I think hope and expectation are different, and goals and expectation are different. If you hope that what you are doing achieves a certain goal, that’s something to strive for. Expecting people to react in the exact way you want is where it gets dangerous.
Thanks 🙂