You can only control your own destiny
When we think of Abraham Lincoln, we think of a man who is idolized not only by Americans but by people from all around the world. Because we idolize him so, it seems easy to visualize everyone during the Civil War (well, okay, everyone in the North) idolizing him. In fact, though, few things could be further from the truth. Abraham Lincoln, after barely winning the Presidency in 1860, was in fact despised and ridiculed by most people he encountered.
How can a man whom so few admire evolve into one of the most beloved historical figures in the world? Circumstance is certainly one aid. Would Lincoln have been such a great President if he had not encountered all of the events of the Civil War? Would he have been remembered as such a great man if the war had not forced him to issue the Emancipation Proclamation?
But there is another side to this man’s long-lasting fame too, I think. It can be summed up by a short line that appears in Team of Rivals.
Lincoln never wrote a letter while angry.
The temptation of intrigue
It should be kept in mind that if Abraham Lincoln had wanted to write angry letters, he certainly had a ton of opportunities. General George McClellan battled with General Winfield Scott, eventually forcing Scott to retire. General Henry W. Halleck gave in to his own envy and fired U.S. Grant after the battle of Shiloh, which Grant won (although at a terrible cost). Lincoln himself was often driven nuts by General McClellan’s claims that more men were needed, even though the Army of the Potomac almost always far outnumbered the Confederate Army in battle. Lincoln’s cabinet members tried to out-maneuver each other and Lincoln himself.
Yes indeed. Lincoln could have written many many many angry letters. But he did not.
Compassion with Smarts
When I see 2 friends of mine fighting, I always want to make peace. I want to get to the root of the problem and help both of them see each other as I see them. This means that often, when there is a battle raging, I run towards rather than away. This is at my own peril.
Abraham Lincoln was an extraordinarily compassionate man, but he knew that he could not insert himself in the middle of two warring parties, including the North and the South. He did not have the time or the desire to play petty games with people. He did not feel the urge to complain openly about anyone, at least so far as history shows us. While I’m sure that Lincoln would have loved to burn McClellan and many other people in effigy, he did not. He kept his eyes focused on his goals, which were to preserve the Union and somehow keep the Northern part of that Union together. That was it.
While Washington and the whole nation was filled with rancor, Lincoln did not bet his destiny by taking sides except in one instance – he took the side of the Union and never left it. Turned out to be a pretty good bet in the end.
What can we learn?
Would Abraham Lincoln be thought of as a less decent man today if we had some letters cussing out McClellan or remarking how Clement Vallandigham, leader of the Northern opposition to Lincoln, looked kind of stupid? I don’t know. Maybe his successes would have still overshadowed the all too human trait of getting involved in people stuff.
But why risk it?
In the online world, there is intrigue around every corner. There are always people disagreeing with each other. There are always people doing things and saying things you disagree with. Why risk getting involved? Why risk hurting your own reputation? Why let others control your destiny?
Why write a letter when angry?
What do you think?
This is post #63 in The Engagement Series and marks the final post in the Team of Rivals sub-series. I highly recommend the book to you – I’d love to talk with you about it if you get it!
Image by Mark Anderson. http://www.sxc.hu/profile/4score
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I think there’s a hybrid solution to this:
Write a letter, unaddressed and without a recipient and sit on it for 48 hours. Write it so that you’re getting your thoughts out. It’s okay to be angry, and it’s definitely okay to have reasons your angry.
Then go back and read it, figure out what made you mad and approach the situation with grace and patience. You may even forget who it was about. The point is that you got it off your chest somewhere, which is important…my two cents.
Definitely a good solution. Just make sure you rip it up really really well 🙂 It is a good way to vent though! 🙂
I agree with you Chase, great strategy, write things down, sit on for a few days, then review not only the letter, but your feelings about the whole thing. The most important thing here is to keep in mind; that nothing is worth being ‘that upset’. Like they say: “It’s like drinking the poison and expecting your enemy to die” ….it won’t happen!
We must move on, we must learn to be tolerant; it makes us “the greater person” and it eases the pain this disappointment has brought us.
Sometimes we think these lessons are learned only when we are kids; but as adults we need this type of posts to remind us to take the lesser traveled road!
Reminders are definitely good sometimes!! Thanks for the comment, m’friend!
Great post! And very important learning, especially in the day of mobile messaging and email, when people can instantaneously send “letters” in anger or frustration. I find myself coaching people daily on the importance of the right type of communication, having a cooling off period before pressing send, and ensuring that you’ve re-read what you’ve written before sending.
Thanks for posting!
Exactly right. The power of instant communication is also the danger of instant communication. As soon as you type in the online world, it’s out there. It takes a lot of discipline to go back and read what you have written before you hit “publish” or “send” or “tweet,” but boy, that extra second sure can be a lifesaver!
Thanks for your comment, Pamela! Keep fighting the good fight 🙂
I agree with Chase… Ok Margie you made me feel guilty because I sort of complained today on my blog. but I did sit on it for a few days before I decided that I had to write about the situation.
I think that it is admirable how Lincoln approached things and that is the reason his sacrifices left a legacy. On my side it is very difficult for me to not complain although I try to do it in a very constructive way.
Well, as I said on Twitter, if I was in your shoes I’d have complained about that too. I think your blog post is different from an angry letter. It’s analytical and calmly stated and raises a lot of important questions. That’s far different from “Oh man you stink and your face looks like roadkill!”
Hi Margie
I agree 100%. Kudos to you for saying it! It’s all to easy to rant and rave rather than take the time to say what you want to say. I’m pretty good at ranting but on my blog I decided before I launched that it would not be a place for rants, or any kind of negativity, no matter how much I sugar-coated it. I wanted my blog to be a feel-good place with positive energy.
Here is another method Chase – write it and write it and write it again until all the anger is gone and then write it again. It works! 🙂
Lori
Great idea, Lori! That seems to be the prevailing view. Like I said to Chase, just make sure you don’t lose track of those drafts 🙂
I do my best to avoid rants and raves online despite the greatest of temptations at times. I always tell people that I just imagine clients reading whatever I say out here. That keeps me on my best behavior 🙂
Looks like Chase took over your post, Margie! I too agree with this and have heard this advice before (a link from here as well, if memory serves.) People do disagree. They fight. In the end, it’s a matter of acting out of passion or acting out of consciousness. No one will ever deny another the right to be angry or disagree, but you have to have the mental and intestinal fortitude to deal with it appropriately.
I did not know this about Lincoln (never been a history buff) but he was in an important position. Had he acted out of passion, the second and third order effects could have been devistating. Great lesson, Margie. Thank you for discussing this.
Intestinal fortitude indeed. Chase made a great point – if you aren’t going to write angry letters, you’d better have a favorite exercise or a really nice punching bag! It’s not healthy to keep frustration all bottled up and sometimes that can just lead to you writing the angry letter anyway. One must just try to always think about the future. How will this action make me feel 2 days from now when my anger has subsided? Will I be utterly humiliated?
Its *extremely* difficult. But it’s worth it.
Dear Margie –
Great post. You constantly amaze how you come up with new ideas almost every day.
And good ideas.
Like the idea never to mail a letter you wrote when you are angry.
Another important one –
Never make a telephone call when you’ve had a martini.
Thanks so much, Corinne. I really appreciate that!
Yeah, drunk dialing can also be very very bad. Good call 🙂
I once got really angry and wrote a blistering letter. I read it to a friend and he was like “DO NOT send that letter.” I reread it, and sure enough, it was way too strongly worded. I deleted it. The other person apologized a short time after I deleted the letter too.:)
Thank God for delete buttons! I also try not to rant in my blog either, I do sometimes post things that may challenge some readers, but I try to keep it free of negativity. That really does accomplish nothing at the end of the day anyway.
I loved this post Margie, and the comments were really great too
“Restraint of pen, tongue and keyboard” are words I hear from my friends and they hear from me depending on the day 🙂
Great post and convo! Anger is a quick, trigger response and I’ve taken Chase’s approach many times. It’s an excellent exercise and helps organize your thoughts, rather than venting out of emotion which often results in regret.
This is a valuable lesson I learned in the career I had prior to farming. I was in retail managment as a store manager. Dealing with upset customers (especially ones who actually are wrong, or are trying to pull one over on the store) it never helped for me to get angry. That’s what they want. To get you out of your comfort zone we you’ll do something out of character that will bite you later. I wrote a lot of emails during those six years, mostly to buyers, and some I just deleted and never sent. Emails, texts, tweets, and blogs can all be taken out of context since they are being read and not heard. The reader may read your writings with a different tone than you intended. I always try to keep this in mind now that I am blogging and tweeting myself. In fact, I wrote a blog post the other day and spent a good deal of time on it. I read it before posting and it seemed forced and didn’t sound like me. Even though I really wanted to talk about something, I felt better just deleting. It’s always good to let something simmer a bit before you shout it to the world.