Mimi Meredith suggested I check out a post she wrote about refraining from criticism for a whole month. Being an obliging soul, I did, and I must say, her post really has me thinking. I have been maintaining that a lot of the strife we encounter online and in the real world is based on a sense of entitlement. You know, entitlement along the lines of, “I’m entitled to my opinion and yours is stupid.” But Mimi has a bit of a different idea. She thinks that we butt heads with each other a lot because we are so critical of each other.
In a way, this isn’t really our fault. Bloggers tend to end their posts by asking us to weigh in or by asking us what we think. Facebook and Twitter ask us what’s on our minds. We want to answer all of these things honestly, and honestly, a lot of times our first response is to critique.
Now why is that?
Do we default to criticism because it makes us feel like we are really engaging with the content we’re reacting to? After all, one would think you really need to absorb something in order to tear it all to shreds. Do our insecurities make us look for imperfections in other people and then pounce on those imperfections? Maybe we just feel like criticism is a way of being helpful.
Like I said, Mimi’s post got me thinking.
There’s offering criticism and then there’s criticising
Here’s the thing. Offering criticism can be a positive thing if you do it right. If someone sends you a blog post to read, you can deliver your criticism in such a way that it really does come across as helpful. “If you shift these paragraphs I think your point will pop even more.” “I like your word choice but maybe there’s something even stronger you can use.” See? I mean, only the most delicate of people would take offense at such things. If criticism is delivered negatively, however, it can be a real turn-off. If you’re given a post to read and your first response is, “Well, I wouldn’t have written it that way,” the reaction you’ll get back in turn probably will not be delightful.
It’s hard to offer criticism delicately, and it can be harder to take it. I think we’re all a bit out of practice. in an ideal world, criticism would not have negative connotations tied to it at all.
Living critically – Mimi’s definition
What Mimi is talking about is not gentle advice-giving. She defines critical living in three ways.
• Adding commentary that is really not necessary or constructive, but that is contradictory
• Making broad generalizations
• Making pronouncements without really listening
These are problems I’m sure we can all relate to, and probably from the vantage point of giver and receiver. If you’re in the first category, people may say that you just like to hear the sound of your own voice. Sometimes people disagree or offer a contradictory viewpoint just so they can get attention. I’ve noticed this particularly in the online world – few things draw traffic better than an outlandish critical post.
Broad generalizations are also prevalent in the world we live in. It all comes back to that “circles” mentality. “OK,” we say. “One person I saw with glasses on was mean, and therefore all people who wear glasses are mean.”
And as for speaking before listening, well, I call this the panther move. You pounce as soon as someone opens their mouth because you assume they are going to say something you disagree with.
With all of these critical reactions before us, Mimi notes that maybe we need to take a break from that kind of stuff. We need to try to refrain from our critical mentality. If someone says something, maybe we should listen all the way through, and instead of saying that the viewpoint is dumb, maybe we could say, “Huh, that’s an interesting viewpoint I hadn’t thought of before.” Instead of making broad generalizations, we could open our minds and approach people (or companies, or animals, or stores) as individuals.
Kind of freaky, huh?
Well, Mimi challenged herself and her readers to refrain from criticism for a whole month. Could you make it a month without criticizing anyone? I’m skeptical about my own capabilities to make it that long, which makes me realize that despite my best efforts, I am spewing out my own share of negativity into the online and real world ether.
It makes you stop and think, doesn’t it? How can we turn some of that negativity into something a little more positive?
So I’m going to do my best to refrain from criticism for a month. You keep an eye on me and let me know when I stray off track. And if you want to play along, keep me posted on how you’re doing.
Let’s all be a little less critical. During times like these, it could very well be critically important that we send out some positive vibes into the world – online and off.
Image by Gabriel Doyle. http://www.sxc.hu/profile/gabetarian
Sounds like a good challenge, Margie- I’m in.
Cool beans! I think I’ve already lost though =/
I’m in! Along with this, wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone took personal responsibility for their actions? No excuses and no blaming.
that would be different, wouldn’t it?
Oops. See, I lost the challenge again 🙂
Margie! Thanks for listening :)!
The first thing I noticed when I attempted to set aside my role as critic of everything is–I think a lot of critical thoughts. (And truly…from typos on restaurant menus, to politicians, to my spousal unit…there is little that escapes my need to improve, or my minor-adjustment-making compulsion.) For a person who typically finds the good in just about everything, I realized that I nit pick a lot! I just hadn’t tuned into it.
I’ve thought about this as the current debacle in Washington continues to unfold. When I respond to all that negative energy by adding my own–often in my new favorite term I just learned from you–panther mode–I don’t do the situation any good, and I certainly don’t do my own energy any good. A well-written letter offering constructive feedback about what type of behavior, collaboration and civility I expect to see from leaders of the United States might be a better option. (Though the chances of that letter being read or changing behavior are about the same as a member of congress hearing me shouting at the tv!)
I’ve found myself to be quieter in conversations. I less frequently throw in a nasty aside under the guise of humor. Measuring my words has taken more effort than I imagined, but like any exercise, it is building up the muscles of restraint and discretion.
I hope you and your readers will let me know how it works for you. And I greatly appreciate being included in your month-long tribute to responsiveness. I know that’s not what you’ve called it, but I think it’s a testament to your ability to be a really good listener, as well as a great writer!
It’s a great point you’ve raised with this conversation, Mimi.
I was telling my mom recently that lately, when I talk to people on the phone, they will sometimes say, “Are you there?” They’ve been talking, I’ve been listening, but we’re so used to competing for attention it’s weird when someone just listens to us. Kind of a sad state of affairs when it gets to that point, but interesting, too.
Thank you for writing such a thought-provoking post and for encouraging me to piggy-back on it!
I really appreciate criticisms especially because they make me grow and do better next time. When create a post for my blog, I often encourage criticism and critical thinking. I have never received some hurtful comments though. But I do agree that criticism should be constructive and not destructive.
That’s a good point. Not all criticism is bad – a lot of it is about the delivery. I think Mimi is more talking about not being critical (versus offering helpful criticism).
From the Ying/Yang Department:
As there are people who are overly critical in the world, there are also those people who are hypersensitive to engaging feedback, constructive or otherwise. They seem fantastically unable to hold a position or line – constantly modifying it depending on any given variable (environment, influence, etc.).
I know these people exist because I am one in most regards.
One more fine line to tow. As always, thank you for sharing, Margie.
I’m a big fan of Nathan Fillion, not just because he’s a fine actor and goshawful cute, but he seems to be such a nice person. Anyway, one of my favorite quotes of his is this: “It doesn’t cost anything to say something nice, and even less to just shut up altogether.” Maybe a paraphrase of the proverb, “Even a fool, when he is silent, appears wise”, but I always felt his real point was that if our first reaction to someone else, be it their comments, appearance, or otherwise, was to offer something nice, we’d be more affluent all around. I know I can much better afford to praise others when I feel good about myself.
Still, I do have plenty of critical thinking going on, but events conspire (like this post) to remind me to do something about it.
There was an XKCD (?) cartoon a while back…two people, one at the computer:
“Are you coming to bed?”
“I can’t… someone is Wrong on the internet.”
lol…